Utter Perfection
by LunaNotLoony
Summary: Lily's seventh year was one of the worst- and the best. She nearly killed herself, her two best friends drifted away from her, and she became aware of Voldemort. But there was one saving point, one thing which would make herself look back on this year with a smile, and that was James Potter- the boy she used to hate.
1. Last Day Till Christmas

**First draft- utter perfection**

I hunch over my essay, hesitating as I scan my work for errors. I have _not_ finished working on it, but James Potter must have decided that I had, because he collapsed in the chair next to me, smirking.

"Potter, go away," I said simply. "I've got work to finish."

"Oh... can't it wait?" he said dismissively, and I groan.

"It's called studying," I snapped. "It's something I do, and you, sadly, don't."

"Well, do you want to come to a party?" Potter said eagerly. "You know, a marauder, party... in classroom three at-."

"No, I do not," I said, and continued to work.

"It'll be fun..."

"No."

"Well, if you do want to come, it's in classroom three at midnight. An end of term, Christmas thing, you know."

"I'll tell Professor McGonagall about that in a minute," I said, and laugh at the look on Potter's face. Honestly, he looked appalled. You'd think, after knowing me for six and a bit years, he would stop telling me exactly where he's going to hold his stupid marauder parties, but, being a complete idiot, he has this mad idea I will be entranced with his parties like the rest of the school, and fall over myself thanking him.

"Damn it, Lily... you can't..." he moaned, and I giggled.

"Aren't you Head Boy?" I remind him.

"It's the last day of term!" Potter said. "Lighten up, Lily-."

"Thank you, James, that's a brilliant idea," a playful voice said from behind me, and I turned to see one of my best friends, Nathan Chang, closely followed by my other best friend, Ariadne McKenzie.

"Oh, hey, Nathan, Ariadne," James said, nodding. He had a strange, almost disappointed look, which immediately made me wonder what he had really wanted in coming over to me. He might have been planning to prank me- I wouldn't put it past him.

"Go away, guys..." I said, waving my hand distractedly, and trying to continue with my essay. I couldn't let thoughts of suspicion or annoyance get in the way of writing up a well-worded, concise conclusion.

I should have known though, with Nathan and Ariadne as my friends, and Potter so obsessed with winding me up.

"Not going to happen..." Potter sang out.

"For God's sake," I moaned, trying as best as I could to block them out.

_In conclusion, the only defence to an unforgivable curse is to block it with solids such as metal, stone or..._

A ripped piece of a forget-me-not petal floated genially onto my page, and I turned to see Aria absent-mindedly shredding a bunch of flowers, perched on the edge of my chair.

"Aria!" I snapped, brushing the petal away.

"Oh... yes?" she asked sweetly, peering down at me, through her slightly grubby, blue-ribbed glasses. They seemed like magnifying glasses, and under them, her eyes were like huge, dusty blue jewels, which make her look as weird as ever.

Nathan gave a snort of laughter, and slapped on the back, grinning.

"Ouch," Ariadne said, a second after the slap had echoed away. "That hurt."

"Why did you only say 'ouch' like a minute after I slapped you then?" Nathan challenged.

"I was in shock after the force of the slap," Aria replied, with dignity.

"You mean, it didn't hurt, but you wanted to tell me to stop hitting you on the back?"

"Anyway, why did you slap me in the first place?"

"I was congratulating you, actually, on the successfully annoying Lily- and now she's not working she's listening to us!"

"I am _not!_" I said, and quickly returned to my essay, just as Potter flopped against me, jerking my arm, and sending ink all over my perfectly written out essay- until that point.

"You!" I cried, prodding him hard in the chest. "What was that for, Potter?"

"I didn't mean to..." he said, shamefaced.  
"Brilliant, James, now she can't work on it!" Nathan said.

"Shut up!" I snapped, rounding on him. "Actually, because of Potter, I will have to spend the rest of the afternoon re-copying it out, and if you think there's half a chance that your precious marauder party will still be on after this, you're wrong, Potter!"

"Oh, damn, I thought you'd forgotten about that," Potter said. "Though you aren't really going to tell, are you?" he begged.

"I certainly am going to," I replied fiercely. "As Head Girl, it is my duty to tell! And, as Head Boy, you should be stopping these things, Potter!"

"It's the last day of term though," Potter said. "Minnie Mouse-."

"You mean Professor McGonagall?"

"Yes, her... is practically allowing us to have it, I swear she saw me handing out invites! Anyway," he pressed on. "You aren't just punishing me, you're punishing everyone who's coming- including Olly Thomas," he finished, spitting put the name, as if it was poisonous.

"Oh!" I said, blushing bright red at the name. "Well.. I don't know- no, I should report it..."

"Then, sorry, Lil-."

"Sorry?" I barked, plunging my hand into my bag for my wand but too late.

"Perficus Totalus!" Nathan burst out laughing, Potter looked mildly embarrassed, and Aria giggled slightly, though she shot me a sympathetic look.

"You should free her," she said quietly, before beginning to giggle again.

"Grrr," I tried to say, and failed. _Potter, I hate you. Grrrr._

_######################################_

"I can't believe you guys!" I fumed, glowering at my so-called friends. "You just let Potter body-lock me! For half an hour!"

"Umm... Lily, there's a party," Aria said.

"Which I will _not_ be attending!" I yelled.

"No?" Aria said, her voice ringing out like a bell.

"No!"

"Nathan, drag her..." Aria said, smiling at Nathan over my head.

"You will not," I snapped. "That's twenty points from Gryffindor, Aria! Yes, I can do that, I'm Head Girl, remember?"

"Twenty points to Gryffindor," Remus said dully, strolling to stand by us.

"You're a prefect!" I hissed, swinging round and scowling at him. "How can you support this behaviour?"

"Lily, it isn't against the rules," Remus said, smiling.

"The party, or body-binding me for half an hour?" I asked.

"The party," he replied, with a laugh. "I think James felt a bit guilty about breaking the rules as Head Boy, so he went and asked McGonagall whether we could have a last day of term party, and as it was almost Christmas, she agreed."

"Potter? Guilty?" I snorted. It's so obvious that Remus is lying- I know Potter, and he's so immature he'd never even think to ask permission. Ever. Though Remus doesn't normally lie to me, when he get nervous, he starts stuttering, so I can tell. Over the last few years, I've began to think that maybe Remus is okay, since he _was _appointed as a prefect, even if he is a marauder, but I haven't had the same hopes about Potter yet, Head Boy or not.

"Yeah, James was," Remus said, and he didn't stutter one bit. "I know it sounds odd, but I think your lectures are starting to hit home, and he's trying to grow up. Honestly," he added, seeing my dubious face.

"Well... maybe," I said. "So the party is strictly legal?"

"Um.. pretty much," Remus replied.

"Pretty much?" I said, clocking in on his shifty expression.

"Yeah, it's mostly legal... though I don't know whether all the firewhiskey-."

"HA!" I said, grinning. This sounds pathetic, but I'm not sure I want Potter to grow up. I'm used to him now, in his normal, utterly immature, pathetically in love with me state... he's part of Hogwarts, and it would just be weird if he changed. Though I wouldn't mind if he skipped the (ultra-embarrassing) declarations of love.

"Reee-mus!" Nathan said, looking furious. "Look what you've done! You've given Lily an excuse now to miss the party! Idiot!"

"Not really," Remus said. "You're seventeen, right? Yeah I remember James celebrating your birthday, so it's not like-."

"I'm not coming," I said sharply. "I've wasted nearly forty minutes now being body-bound and then begged to go to a marauder party, you do know I have revision, right?"

Aria suddenly burst out laughing, and I turned on her, eyes narrowed. "Yes, Aria?"

"Oh... you just seemed really funny, acting like you'd rather revise than go to a party... but then you've never actually been to a party, so you don't know the joys of one, do you?"

"Never!" Remus said, in surprise. "Loner!"

"I'm not a loner!" I said. "And I have been to a party- when I was ten, I had parties at my house, OK, so you're scoffing, but I've been to marauder parties to..."

"Yeah, I remember, actually," Aria said, nodding. "She has."

"Really?" Nathan said, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah..." Aria replied, fiddling with her long black hair. "When Lily came with Slughorn to stop the party, remember?"

There was a shout of laughter, from Nathan and Remus, and I scowled.

"That's not true..."

"Yeah, it is," Aria replied, sounding far brisker than normal. "So you better change that, I mean, might as well go to an allowed party since you're a stickler for rules, than us drag you to one against school rules."

"Yeah, like you could!" I snapped, and then grinned widely, to show I was joking.

"You really think we'd let you never go to a party in your school years? That would just be sad..."

"I'm not sad," I said. "Fine, I'll come."

Nathan gave a cheer, and slapped me on the back. "How'd you do that, Ari?" he asked, smirking at Aria over my head.

"You saw," Aria replied, with a shrug and a smirk identical to Nathan's. "I've perfected the art of persuasion over the years, and with Lily as a friend, I need it."

"I can hear you, you know," I said.

"I must say, I'm impressed," Nathan said, ignoring me. "You're really clever like that, Ari."

Their eyes met across the room, and Aria blushed slightly, a huge grin on her face. "Like that? So not in any other way?" she quibbled, raising an eyebrow.

"No.. you're clever in loads of ways," Nathan said, and Aria shifted back and forth, looking uneasy- and I felt like I was eavesdropping on something private too, it made me rather uncomfortable.

"Well, uh hum," I cleared my throat loudly. "I'll just leave you two, and uh.. bye."

"I'll go too," Remus chimed in, and went out a door across from me, and I left by another door, easing it shut, so not to make a bang. As I left, I heard Aria say, 'are you winding me up?', before the door slid shut.

The first thing I saw made my heart stop. Or rather the first person I saw. Olly Thomas. He was lounging against the wall, sipping a butterbeer. Dammit, that boy is hot. He has floppy brown hair, intelligent dark eyes,and a constant grin. He's the only other person from Hogwarts who wants to be an auror, like I do- that's how I know him, from auror training sessions together.

The second thing I saw made my heart flop straight back down into my chest, and begin beating dejectedly again. Melissa Mai-Pettison, was leaning against the wall beside him, her hand entwined with his, chatting merrily to him. If Melissa wasn't so cheerful and kind, the sort who makes you start sniggering within moments of sitting down by you, the sort who says, 'hey, stop bitching about her, bitch 'bout me if you can't bitch 'bout anyone else', when the rumour mills are churning out lies that make girls gang together and hiss about her faults, the sort you just can't help liking, I'd hate her. Ever since I first noticed Olly, when he helped me up when I tripped over in a duel, they've been dating... I don't know how long before, I never really talk to any other house than Gryffindor, particularly not after the Snape fiasco.

"Hi," I said dully, walking up to them, and determinedly not looking at their hands.

"Hey!" Melissa said, grinning at me, even though we were barely on speaking terms. "The party is the meaning of mad, you know, James is refusing to start till you arrive, and everyone else is growling at him just to put on the music!"  
I laughed.

"So," Melissa said. "What's up with you? Doing anything for Christmas?"

"Not really," I replied. "Actually, I'm staying here for the holidays. I want to be an auror, you see, and I can't go home for two weeks if I'm going to get the grades."

"Same!" Melissa said eagerly. "Gosh, I was worried that none of my friends would be staying! I really want to see my little sister Jan again, but I can't, I'll send her letters, though... but I'm planning to go into magical creature development, and I was offered a course on centaurs this holidays, so that wins. Olly's going home, though."

"Yeah, I am," Olly said, and I was glad of an excuse to look at him. "Studying for NEWTs are so draining... I need a break."

"Cool," I replied, immediately awkward. Did it make me a geek that I found the NEWT course really fun? Maybe... "It's about half and half and half, er, I mean, it's about half and half staying and leaving this year," I gabbled, trying just to say something to fill the gap.

"Yeah, you're right actually," Melissa butted in, and I was forced to look away from Olly's marble white face. "I know that Annabell, David, Johnny, and Noor are all staying."

"Aria and Nathan are too, yeah," I said, but I had a feeling they were only staying to keep me company... I had told them about Petunia looking down at me whenever I went home, and that I meant to stay... They were great friends, Aria and Nathan.

"James Potter is too, I heard," Olly added, with a smirk. "Sorry, Lily."

"Seriously?" I groaned. "Oh, that's just great."

"You might fall in love with him," Melissa teased.

"No way," I replied, derisively.

"Well, I need to be off, you know," Olly said, checking his watch, and I felt my heart drop, even though I knew he had girlfriend, that he didn't fancy me at all.

"Yeah, bye," I said, deflating, and headed for classroom three, where the party was to be held. But something- horror movie fascination maybe- made me twist round as I opened the door, just to look at Olly one more time, and I saw that he and Melissa were inches apart... and then their lips were together, and I ran from the scene, unable to block the kiss from my mind.

I wish I could hate Melissa, I really do. She's clever, top of the class, a Ravenclaw prefect, and just really _nice_. I can't hate her, because she didn't know how much it hurt when I saw her kissing Olly Thomas... She didn't know that I fancied him like mad.

**A/N: yes, Melissa's in Ravenclaw, not Hufflepuff. I actually thought very carefully about this- Melissa's in Ravenclaw because she values learning over family, to a point. She wants to stay at Hogwarts and learn, rather than see her sister. That sounds horrible, but really, Melissa is a very nice character. Lily's evaluation of her is spot-on. (Olly's in Hufflepuff, though.)**

#####################################

I slipped through the door of the classroom, and discovered that the party's in full swing, whatever Melissa said, which peeved me a bit. In the end, I decided to go, just so Potter wasn't too hurt- not that he deserves it, but it would just be mean not to come- but then it turned out he hardly noticed me. Within a couple of minutes, I've decided that I wasn't really missing anything, studying instead of partying.

Black stumbled past me, towing along with him a giggling pink-faced girl. A group of girls, wearing shorts skirts and plum-red lipstick are flirting and batting their eyelids at a tall, tanned boy with wild blond hair, his shirt completely disregarded. Normally, I might have googled him, just a bit, but he seems a man-whore, with that pathetic gang of gigglers. I catch a glance of Remus and Pettigrew chatting by the punch table, and notice a Gryffindor boy drinking vodka. There's constant, deafeningly loud music, which a couple of girls are swaying to, and a couple is pinned snogging against a wall.

I inch towards the punch table, then change my mind, seeing the vodka boy again... I don't want to drink vodka at all, and end up standing around aimlessly, nobody paying the slightest bit of attention to me. I probably shouldn't be dressed in ripped jeans and a fluffy white jumper.

After a few minutes, Melissa appears, hand in hand with Olly, and they begin to slow dance. The music is just so _loud_, and hardly anyone's actually dancing to it... would anyone care if I just turned it down, and maybe picked a slightly nicer piece as well?

A few minutes later, I'm standing twisting the knobs, and there's a crowd around me, hissing to 'leave it alone, bitch.' I ignore them, but whenever I move away again, they adjust it once more to it's deafening state.

"JUST LEAVE IT, OK?" I yell. "IT'S TOO LOUD, LOOK I HAVE TO SHOUT FOR YOU TO HEAR ME!"  
"OH, IS TOO LOUD?" the girl shrieked back, sarcasm etched in every word. "THEN, MAYBE YOU SHOULD GET OUT, PUSSY!"

"Hey, _calm down!_" Someone catches my arm, and I turn see none other than Potter smirking at me, his hazel eyes alight.

"No, I will no-."

"Lily, can I talk to you? Please?" Potter asked, not letting go of me arm.

I hesitated, glaring at him, but he looks so eager, so begging, I haven't really got the heart to push him off, just for once. Besides, I've hardly got anything better to do... well, I have, but I'm here in this stupid marauder party now, and it _would_ be kind of sad if I never went to a party.

"Fine, Potter," I sighed, but shake his arm off. "What?"

"Privately?" he added, and I gave another sigh. Not that I really want to be here, so...

"_Fine!_" I growl, and walk briskly from the room, Potter trailing after me.

**A/N: So here's the first chapter- I wrote the first bit earlier and accidentally published it, sorry... And I know I should update 'watching' or 'best hope', but I've been planning this for ages, thinking I'd write it once those two were finished... but I was too impatient! Anyway, please REVIEW!**


	2. Crushing on Annabell Jones

"So, what do you want, anyway, Potter?" I asked, slamming the door behind me, and collapsing into a chair.

"Er... well," he cleared his throat and looked around nervously. I rolled my eyes.

"Yes?"

"Er...," he said again.

"Get on with it."

"Can you help me?" Potter blurted out.

"Depends what the help is," I replied. "If you're asking me to make an unforgivable vow to always do your homework I'm afraid it'll have to be a 'no'-."

"No, nothing like that," Potter interrupted, ignoring the heavy sarcasm in my words. "But... well, Lily, you see, I fancy-."

"Great," I snapped. "I know you fancy me like hell, or at least you say you do. For the millionth time, Potter, no, I will not go out with you!"

Potter went bright red, swallowed and shook his head.

"Um, no, Lily," he muttered. "I, er, fancy Annabell Jones."

"What?" I said.

"Yeah," he said, seeming to gain confidence. "I'm over you. I mean, you'll never date me, so I might as well give up. I fancy Annabell so much, Lily, and yeah."

"Oh," I said blankly, then laughed nervously. "So... you're really over me?"

"Yeah."

"Oh," I said again. Of all the things I expected him to say, this wasn't it. For God's sake, Potter had fancied me since second year- well, that was the time when he first asked me out! And he'd been asking me out, and blushing whenever I looked at him for as long as I could remember, really. Yet... this year, he had grown up a bit, started reducing the date offers considerably. I hadn't found a nasty prickly red rose in my bed for at least a month.

Suddenly, I felt my cheeks burning. "Oh, god, Potter, sorry!" I said. "That was really bitchy, just now, saying you fancied me... er, it was just I was used to you asking me out! But, anyway!" I pressed on quickly, and felt, to my immense relief that my cheeks had cooled down again. "You fancy Annabell Jones? That's awesome!"

He looked at me, his brown eyes intent, then sighed audibly. "It is?"

"Yeah, I mean, me and you we were _never _going to happen in a million years! I reckon it was lust that I didn't fall over flirting when you came near that made you like me in the first place, right, Potter?"

"No!" he cried, then seemed to deflate under my surprised look. "I mean, yeah, I really fancy- uh, fancied you- but well, yeah, I just accepted that... it was never going to happen." His voice sounded defensive and there was a finality in the way he quoted my words back to me.

"Yeah," I said, to fill the silence. "Are- are you all right? Did I somehow offend you?"

Potter laughed, but it sounded completely insincere. "No, you didn't," he replied dully.

"So what's the matter?"

"Nothing."  
"Yes, something _is_ the matter," I said, growing impatient.

"Drop it."

"No- what _is _it?"  
"Drop it."

"Tell me."

"Nothing, for God's sake!"  
"'Nothing' made you sound totally miserable, Potter."

He laughed again, and this time it sounded really bitter. "Lily, it's just- well-."

"Yes?"

"And you call me impatient! But... I fancy Annabell a lot, Lily."

"Yeah, that's really good," I said earnestly. I honestly did feel quite sorry for Annabell but who knows, maybe she'd like having Potter sprinkle confetti on her at every opportunity! But I had to encourage him, maybe now he'll leave me alone... it will be weird if he does though, nice but very weird. Potter's valentines are like a (rather unpleasant) part of Hogwarts for me now. After about five years of them, I've grown to accept them- and Potter fancying me was flattering, I had to admit. Sure, I didn't like the way he showed it, and I really hated the arrogant toerag, but still, to think that someone thought I was kind of pretty, was a compliment. Yes, I knew most of it was just that he liked that I didn't fancy him on sight, but he must of thought I was quite pretty... and now, he didn't. "So you wanted me to help you?" I prompted him.

"Er... yeah, how do I get her to fall for me?" he asked.

I couldn't help sniggering at that.

"Oh, Potter, you're utterly clueless, aren't you?" I laughed. "You can't make her fall for you, if it isn't meant to be, really. Like you could try anything to make me fall for you for the rest of eternity, but I wouldn't ever even think about dating you, just because you aren't my type- no offence, but you aren't! If she really isn't at all interested in all, then you'd do best not to waste another five years... sorry, I'm being bitchy...but just act natural around her, smile, joke, compliment her, and after a bit ask her out, and if she says 'no', then, well, sorry, Potter, but you'll have to leave it there. If she really doesn't fancy you, you can't do anything about it. But it's quite likely she will!"  
That, I thought, was pretty much genius. I've set Annabell up so he won't harass her for half a decade before randomly deciding another girl's prettier- I think I'm prettier than Annabell, actually- I sound really boastful, but it's true, I know it is- but I value learning over looks anyway. I really think Potter's going to listen to me though- he has a small, intent frown on his face, like he really cares about what I'm saying.

"Right..." Potter said. "But... should I... I dunno... leave a love note or something?"

Or maybe he's too stupid to understand. One or the other.

"Er... fine, yeah, that's a good idea," I said, trying to stop myself groaning. This is so selfish... poor Annabell... but I can't just let Potter get over her, and start stalking me again! And Annabell might like it! She might! "So why are you asking me, anyway?" I asked.

"I don't want to make the same mistake I made with you," he jerked out. "So, Lily, can you help me write the love notes?"

Oh. My. God. Potter.

"No!" I snap. "I mean, the whole point of love letters is that they should be personal, and true! I can't help you write them!"

"Please, Lily," he begged.

Just. Kill. Me. Now.

"No!" I yell. "For God's sake, Potter! I seriously have not got the time to mess around with you writing love notes."

"But-."

"I have a life, Potter, and you are _not_ part of it! I also do something called studying, you know! For N.E. , and auror courses! And if you think-."

"You know," Potter replied with a smirk. "It's really cute that you say N.E.W.T instead of newts like everyone else. And you look cute when you're angry too."

Deep. Breaths. Deep. Breaths.

"I THOUGHT YOU FANCIED ANNABELL?" I shrieked.

"Oh, her," Potter said. "Yes, I do."  
"Good," I said.

"So you'll help me write love letters?" Potter asked.

I hesitated. If I said 'no', Potter might fall for me again... and if I said 'yes', I'd waste loads of time when I could be studying for auror tests, and I'd have to hang round Potter... urgh.

"Fine, I will," my mouth said.

What?

####################################

"Aria! Aria!" I rush towards her, relief seeping through me as I see my best friend leaning against the wall. I'm back in the party, because I've decided the party is marginally better than listening to Potter repeating, 'you will?' and 'promise' non stop. For the last few minutes, I've been hovering in the dance floor, watching interestedly, as people stumbled around, throwing up, and snogging drunkenly. I've pretty much given up trying to lead the thrower-upers to the bathroom, because the last puked on me, which wasn't the most pleasant experience. Besides, none of them seem to really want to come anyway.

"Hello, Lily," Aria said, very solemnly.

"Hi. Can we leave? I've been to a party now, and I've decided they're overrated."

"Yes," Aria said, simply, staring coldly into the distance. Following her gaze, I saw Nathan, his hazel brown curls rumpled, passionately snogging dainty blonde girl... Potter's great crush, Annabell Jones.

"Wow," I said. "Nathan and Annabell."

"Yes," she said, suddenly looking angrier than I've ever seen her. "What a _creep!_ Everyone knows Annabell is the biggest slut-."  
"She's all right," I interrupt. And, honestly, she is.

Aria ignored me. "If Nathan thinks he can go near me again, he's got another think coming!"

"He's drunk," I remind her.

"Drunk! Yeah, right," Aria snapped, sounding far snippier than normal. "Just watch!"

She stormed up to the Nathan and Annabell, and, without preamble, stamped hard on Nathan's toe. While he was swearing in pain, she stood back, arms crossed, glaring defiantly at him.

"What the fuck, Ari?" he yelled

She stood, her dramatic black hair swept over her shoulder, her blue eyes flashing behind her glasses which made them bigger than ever, her pale skin changing colour as the disco lights flashed, refusing to speak until every eye was on her.

"You pathetic, pathetic excuse of a man, Nathan," she said slowly and clearly, so everyone could hear, and swung her hand back and a slap resounded across the hall.

"OW! Ari!"

"Don't- call me- Ari!" she growled, dropping her voice again. "Good_bye_, Nathan."

Nathan was left standing shell-shocked, rubbing his cheek where she had hit him, swearing under his breath. Aria strode across the hall, towards me, eyes still blazing.

"Wow, Aria," I muttered.

"That a compliment?"

"No."

She laughed, and turned to look at me. "He didn't slur one bit, Lily, did you hear?"

"Er... yeah," I said.

"Not drunk."

"Um.. no."

"Right, then," Aria tossed her hair over her shoulder and said, loud enough for Nathan, who was still gaping after her to hear, "he deserved it."

I sighed.

"Aria, calm," I said.

"I think," she replied. "We've seen enough of this party, no?

"Definitely."

"Come on, then."

I came on, glancing behind me as Nathan zoomed up to us. "Ari! And Lily, don't take her side in this-."

Take her side. Honestly. Why did she always have to take sides? Couldn't she just be both of their friends? Couldn't they keep their arguments _to themselves_?

"-Lily, she's totally overreacting, you know. We're not even together, and this is a party for God's sake, don't I have the right to do whatever we want? And, Lily, she can't tell me what to... and she stamped on me! Godsake, Lily, she stamped on my and she's actually pretty heavy, you know... weighs an elephant, and what right does she have to-."

"-Lily... do you hear something squeaking. Must be a mouse. It likes you though, doesn't it? Keeps saying 'Lily', eh? Though it seems to like Annabell too."

"What the hell? Can't you just man up, Ari, and let us talk this out, or are you stupid to understand that?"

"Ari? Know who Ari is, Lily? Never heard of her myself."

"Oh, whatever, Aria. Is that OK? Or shall I call you 'Ariadne'?"

"Ariadne will do fine, thank you."

"Oh... you're a goddess now. Shall I bow to your feet, before you turn me into a rat?"

"I won't need to do that, will I, Lily? Nathan is a rat."

"Bow to the goddess, Lily... bow, before she kills you."

"FOR GOD'S SAKE, SHUT UP!" I yelled.

"What?" both of them said together.

"Right..." I took a deep breathe. "Can you just stop snapping at each other's throats for one minute?"

There's a pause, where they glance at each other, a bit shamefaced, than Aria smiled and said, "sorry, for being kind of bitchy."

"Sorry for, er," Nathan glanced at me, and I shrugged.

"Snogging Annabell?" Aria suggested.

"Why should I be?"

Grrrrrrrrr...

I decide to leave them arguing for now, simply because I cannot bear another second of it. I push the door shut as I leave classroom three, and wearily begin to climb the stairs to the dormitory. I honestly haven't drunk a sip of firewhiskey the whole time, but I can barely stand._.. Olly Thomas... the party... James fancying Annabell...Aria and Nathan bickering again... Olly Thomas... the party... James fancying Annabell... him being over me... why?... am I boring?... stupid?... fat?... Olly Thomas... and Melissa... why doesn't Olly like me?... am I boring?... stupid?... fat?... Aria and Nathan bickering... God, am I tired..._

My head spinning, remembering the day, I drift off into the realms of sleep.

**A/N: Please review! Thank you Kiawrn for reviewing- I think the new summery 'can't eat' stuff will tell where this story is going, though, now.**

"So, what do you want, anyway, Potter?" I asked, slamming the door behind me, and collapsing into a chair.

"Er... well," he cleared his throat and looked around nervously. I rolled my eyes.

"Yes?"

"Er...," he said again.

"Get on with it."

"Can you help me?" Potter blurted out.

"Depends what the help is," I replied. "If you're asking me to make an unforgivable vow to always do your homework I'm afraid it'll have to be a 'no'-."

"No, nothing like that," Potter interrupted, ignoring the heavy sarcasm in my words. "But... well, Lily, you see, I fancy-."

"Great," I snapped. "I know you fancy me like hell, or at least you say you do. For the millionth time, Potter, no, I will not go out with you!"

Potter went bright red, swallowed and shook his head.

"Um, no, Lily," he muttered. "I, er, fancy Annabell Jones."

"What?" I said.

"Yeah," he said, seeming to gain confidence. "I'm over you. I mean, you'll never date me, so I might as well give up. I fancy Annabell so much, Lily, and yeah."

"Oh," I said blankly, then laughed nervously. "So... you're really over me?"

"Yeah."

"Oh," I said again. Of all the things I expected him to say, this wasn't it. For God's sake, Potter had fancied me since second year- well, that was the time when he first asked me out! And he'd been asking me out, and blushing whenever I looked at him for as long as I could remember, really. Yet... this year, he had grown up a bit, started reducing the date offers considerably. I hadn't found a nasty prickly red rose in my bed for at least a month.

Suddenly, I felt my cheeks burning. "Oh, god, Potter, sorry!" I said. "That was really bitchy, just now, saying you fancied me... er, it was just I was used to you asking me out! But, anyway!" I pressed on quickly, and felt, to my immense relief that my cheeks had cooled down again. "You fancy Annabell Jones? That's awesome!"

He looked at me, his brown eyes intent, then sighed audibly. "It is?"

"Yeah, I mean, me and you we were _never _going to happen in a million years! I reckon it was lust that I didn't fall over flirting when you came near that made you like me in the first place, right, Potter?"

"No!" he cried, then seemed to deflate under my surprised look. "I mean, yeah, I really fancy- uh, fancied you- but well, yeah, I just accepted that... it was never going to happen." His voice sounded defensive and there was a finality in the way he quoted my words back to me.

"Yeah," I said, to fill the silence. "Are- are you all right? Did I somehow offend you?"

Potter laughed, but it sounded completely insincere. "No, you didn't," he replied dully.

"So what's the matter?"

"Nothing."  
"Yes, something _is_ the matter," I said, growing impatient.

"Drop it."

"No- what _is _it?"  
"Drop it."

"Tell me."

"Nothing, for God's sake!"  
"'Nothing' made you sound totally miserable, Potter."

He laughed again, and this time it sounded really bitter. "Lily, it's just- well-."

"Yes?"

"And you call me impatient! But... I fancy Annabell a lot, Lily."

"Yeah, that's really good," I said earnestly. I honestly did feel quite sorry for Annabell but who knows, maybe she'd like having Potter sprinkle confetti on her at every opportunity! But I had to encourage him, maybe now he'll leave me alone... it will be weird if he does though, nice but very weird. Potter's valentines are like a (rather unpleasant) part of Hogwarts for me now. After about five years of them, I've grown to accept them- and Potter fancying me was flattering, I had to admit. Sure, I didn't like the way he showed it, and I really hated the arrogant toerag, but still, to think that someone thought I was kind of pretty, was a compliment. Yes, I knew most of it was just that he liked that I didn't fancy him on sight, but he must of thought I was quite pretty... and now, he didn't. "So you wanted me to help you?" I prompted him.

"Er... yeah, how do I get her to fall for me?" he asked.

I couldn't help sniggering at that.

"Oh, Potter, you're utterly clueless, aren't you?" I laughed. "You can't make her fall for you, if it isn't meant to be, really. Like you could try anything to make me fall for you for the rest of eternity, but I wouldn't ever even think about dating you, just because you aren't my type- no offence, but you aren't! If she really isn't at all interested in all, then you'd do best not to waste another five years... sorry, I'm being bitchy...but just act natural around her, smile, joke, compliment her, and after a bit ask her out, and if she says 'no', then, well, sorry, Potter, but you'll have to leave it there. If she really doesn't fancy you, you can't do anything about it. But it's quite likely she will!"  
That, I thought, was pretty much genius. I've set Annabell up so he won't harass her for half a decade before randomly deciding another girl's prettier- I think I'm prettier than Annabell, actually- I sound really boastful, but it's true, I know it is- but I value learning over looks anyway. I really think Potter's going to listen to me though- he has a small, intent frown on his face, like he really cares about what I'm saying.

"Right..." Potter said. "But... should I... I dunno... leave a love note or something?"

Or maybe he's too stupid to understand. One or the other.

"Er... fine, yeah, that's a good idea," I said, trying to stop myself groaning. This is so selfish... poor Annabell... but I can't just let Potter get over her, and start stalking me again! And Annabell might like it! She might! "So why are you asking me, anyway?" I asked.

"I don't want to make the same mistake I made with you," he jerked out. "So, Lily, can you help me write the love notes?"

Oh. My. God. Potter.

"No!" I snap. "I mean, the whole point of love letters is that they should be personal, and true! I can't help you write them!"

"Please, Lily," he begged.

Just. Kill. Me. Now.

"No!" I yell. "For God's sake, Potter! I seriously have not got the time to mess around with you writing love notes."

"But-."

"I have a life, Potter, and you are _not_ part of it! I also do something called studying, you know! For N.E. , and auror courses! And if you think-."

"You know," Potter replied with a smirk. "It's really cute that you say N.E.W.T instead of newts like everyone else. And you look cute when you're angry too."

Deep. Breaths. Deep. Breaths.

"I THOUGHT YOU FANCIED ANNABELL?" I shrieked.

"Oh, her," Potter said. "Yes, I do."  
"Good," I said.

"So you'll help me write love letters?" Potter asked.

I hesitated. If I said 'no', Potter might fall for me again... and if I said 'yes', I'd waste loads of time when I could be studying for auror tests, and I'd have to hang round Potter... urgh.

"Fine, I will," my mouth said.

What?

####################################

"Aria! Aria!" I rush towards her, relief seeping through me as I see my best friend leaning against the wall. I'm back in the party, because I've decided the party is marginally better than listening to Potter repeating, 'you will?' and 'promise' non stop. For the last few minutes, I've been hovering in the dance floor, watching interestedly, as people stumbled around, throwing up, and snogging drunkenly. I've pretty much given up trying to lead the thrower-upers to the bathroom, because the last puked on me, which wasn't the most pleasant experience. Besides, none of them seem to really want to come anyway.

"Hello, Lily," Aria said, very solemnly.

"Hi. Can we leave? I've been to a party now, and I've decided they're overrated."

"Yes," Aria said, simply, staring coldly into the distance. Following her gaze, I saw Nathan, his hazel brown curls rumpled, passionately snogging dainty blonde girl... Potter's great crush, Annabell Jones.

"Wow," I said. "Nathan and Annabell."

"Yes," she said, suddenly looking angrier than I've ever seen her. "What a _creep!_ Everyone knows Annabell is the biggest slut-."  
"She's all right," I interrupt. And, honestly, she is.

Aria ignored me. "If Nathan thinks he can go near me again, he's got another think coming!"

"He's drunk," I remind her.

"Drunk! Yeah, right," Aria snapped, sounding far snippier than normal. "Just watch!"

She stormed up to the Nathan and Annabell, and, without preamble, stamped hard on Nathan's toe. While he was swearing in pain, she stood back, arms crossed, glaring defiantly at him.

"What the fuck, Ari?" he yelled

She stood, her dramatic black hair swept over her shoulder, her blue eyes flashing behind her glasses which made them bigger than ever, her pale skin changing colour as the disco lights flashed, refusing to speak until every eye was on her.

"You pathetic, pathetic excuse of a man, Nathan," she said slowly and clearly, so everyone could hear, and swung her hand back and a slap resounded across the hall.

"OW! Ari!"

"Don't- call me- Ari!" she growled, dropping her voice again. "Good_bye_, Nathan."

Nathan was left standing shell-shocked, rubbing his cheek where she had hit him, swearing under his breath. Aria strode across the hall, towards me, eyes still blazing.

"Wow, Aria," I muttered.

"That a compliment?"

"No."

She laughed, and turned to look at me. "He didn't slur one bit, Lily, did you hear?"

"Er... yeah," I said.

"Not drunk."

"Um.. no."

"Right, then," Aria tossed her hair over her shoulder and said, loud enough for Nathan, who was still gaping after her to hear, "he deserved it."

I sighed.

"Aria, calm," I said.

"I think," she replied. "We've seen enough of this party, no?

"Definitely."

"Come on, then."

I came on, glancing behind me as Nathan zoomed up to us. "Ari! And Lily, don't take her side in this-."

Take her side. Honestly. Why did she always have to take sides? Couldn't she just be both of their friends? Couldn't they keep their arguments _to themselves_?

"-Lily, she's totally overreacting, you know. We're not even together, and this is a party for God's sake, don't I have the right to do whatever we want? And, Lily, she can't tell me what to... and she stamped on me! Godsake, Lily, she stamped on my and she's actually pretty heavy, you know... weighs an elephant, and what right does she have to-."

"-Lily... do you hear something squeaking. Must be a mouse. It likes you though, doesn't it? Keeps saying 'Lily', eh? Though it seems to like Annabell too."

"What the hell? Can't you just man up, Ari, and let us talk this out, or are you stupid to understand that?"

"Ari? Know who Ari is, Lily? Never heard of her myself."

"Oh, whatever, Aria. Is that OK? Or shall I call you 'Ariadne'?"

"Ariadne will do fine, thank you."

"Oh... you're a goddess now. Shall I bow to your feet, before you turn me into a rat?"

"I won't need to do that, will I, Lily? Nathan is a rat."

"Bow to the goddess, Lily... bow, before she kills you."

"FOR GOD'S SAKE, SHUT UP!" I yelled.

"What?" both of them said together.

"Right..." I took a deep breathe. "Can you just stop snapping at each other's throats for one minute?"

There's a pause, where they glance at each other, a bit shamefaced, than Aria smiled and said, "sorry, for being kind of bitchy."

"Sorry for, er," Nathan glanced at me, and I shrugged.

"Snogging Annabell?" Aria suggested.

"Why should I be?"

Grrrrrrrrr...

I decide to leave them arguing for now, simply because I cannot bear another second of it. I push the door shut as I leave classroom three, and wearily begin to climb the stairs to the dormitory. I honestly haven't drunk a sip of firewhiskey the whole time, but I can barely stand._.. Olly Thomas... the party... James fancying Annabell...Aria and Nathan bickering again... Olly Thomas... the party... James fancying Annabell... him being over me... why?... am I boring?... stupid?... _fat?_... Olly Thomas... and Melissa... why doesn't Olly like me?... am I boring?... stupid?... fat?... Aria and Nathan bickering... God, am I tired..._

My head spinning, remembering the day, I drift off into the realms of sleep.

**A/N: Please review! Thank you Kiarwyn for reviewing- I think the new summery 'can't eat' stuff will tell where this story is going, though now!**


	3. Portkeys and Potter

Aria, Annabell and Helen were still sleeping, when I woke up, pushed off the covers and quickly put some clothes, and pin my Head Girl badge to my chest. There were just two girls missing from our dormitory this Christmas! Incredible. Normally, practically everyone goes home, but I guess seventh years have to study. I certainly did, anyway- or rather, not study, talk to McGonagall. My auror course.

I had wanted to be an auror, for a long, long time. When I first got a bulky book on choosing your career from the library in second year, and taken the test at the end it told me I'd do best as a potioneer, but I didn't believe it one bit. My old best friend was the one who truly liked potions, well, I had, but they were, oh, I don't know, boring. And now me and Severus are finished, completely finished, there's no way I'm spending to long in the dungeons. Ever time I stir I potion, I end up on the edge of tears, remember Severus, and all that could have been. I love him, I did, but I guess he didn't love me, not truly. We were great friends, and one word, and that's all gone...

Yeah right.

It wasn't one word which decided our friendship, not at all. Severus had been spending time with Mulciber and Avery, started practising dark spell, whispering insults to non-Slytherins, for almost a year. Our first row came when I docked a point from Slytherin after Mulciber sneered at me- and Severus didn't stand up for me. We yelled, and after that our friendship fell apart.

I wish... it hadn't.

I wish... I still had a special friend, because Nathan and Aria are best friends, and sometimes I feel like a hanger-oner.

I wish... he had been Gryffindor.

Oh my God. I just wished he was Gryffindor, and that went against everything I knew about myself, the girl who believes houses don't matter, and that saying 'Slytherins are gits' is as bad a throwing 'mudblood' at me. I can't believe myself. What a hypocrite. I argued with Potter so much about houses, and how not to judge by a house, and now... I disgust myself. Honestly, no wonder Potter doesn't fancy me anymore. I'm a hypocrite, an angry, rude, shouting hypocrite.

_And you're ugly,_ a voice says in my head. _You have ugly red hair, and you can't do sport, you're fat._

I'm not. I try to keep repeating that in my mind, like mantra, but it fades and the niggling, bitter thoughts butt in instead. To distract myself, I leave quickly, pushing the door behind me, making sure I don't wake the others. I'm going to talk to McGonagall, I'm going to be an auror.

Ten minutes later, I'm standing outside the door to McGonagall's room, my hair tied back with a bright yellow hair ribbon, not one red strand displaced. I rap my knuckles against the door, a harsh, echoing sound. While I wait for McGonagall to answer, I smooth down my robes, and glance at the glass. My reflection flickers back at me, a bright eyed girl, the lamps reflected in my polished black shoes, a clean white blouse, creased black school trousers, and my Head Girl badge glistening, pinned to the hem of my robes.

"Come in," McGonagall calls, and I push open the door.

"Ah, Lily Evans," she said, a smile breaking over her lips. I'm the sort of girl who makes teachers smile, and I'm proud of it. I am. "What is it?"

"Professor," I replied eagerly. "I hoped to sign up for an auror course this Christmas. You know I did my N.E. earlier this year, and they were accepted by the auror office. They see no reason why I shouldn't start training straight away. So can I have a portkey arranged every morning in the holidays- and I can continue going in term in spare periods, if that could be arranged?"

"Lily..." McGonagall looks reproachful. She calls me Lily, even though I'm her student. She has ever since I became Head Girl. "You surely don't want to start _now._ You work hard enough as it is, and Olly Thomas- you know him, the other-."

"Yes, I do." Of course I know him. How could I not? My heart stops whenever I see him.

"Well, Thomas is planning to start in March."

"Yes... But he hasn't done all his N.E. yet, has he? There's no point in me wasting the rest of the year, McGonagall. No offence."

She laughed. "Fine then, Lily. But you simply can't start now. Auror training... it's very draining, and you simply must have a rest for Christmas. You should have gone home."

I shook my head, disappointed. "I prefer it here, Professor." _Because I can do something productive, like studying._ "My sister isn't very sweet towards me. You could say she hates me." It felt weird to say it out loud, to a teacher, but it practically common fact in our neighbourhood, so why shouldn't it be here? I wondered what Petunia would say though, if she heard.

McGonagall smiled again. "But, Lily, I insist that you have a break. Have fun with Chang and McKenzie. It is Christmas, after all."  
"I want to make a difference," I said quietly. "I want to stop Lord Voldemort-."  
"Good heavens, Lily!"

"Sorry, Professor. It's only a name though, no offence."

She looked down on me, through her spectacles, with an expression rather like pride. "Albus Dumbledore often said that too."

"Thank you," I said, because I wasn't sure what else to say. "But I want to stop Voldemort from destroying too many lives, and being an auror is the only way I know. I want to help as soon as I can... please let me, Professor."

I looked up, and saw there were tears shimmering in McGonagall's eyes. "There are other ways," she said, sounding far less brisk than normal.

"But it's the way I've chosen," I said. It was the only way for me. The way to fight, and to show that I was more, more than a mudblood. "Professor."

"Well..." McGonagall hesitated, and rubbed her eyes slightly. "It's a dangerous path, Lily, but-."

"I just want to make a difference, stuff the danger," I replied, then gasped as I realised what I'd said, but to my immense relief, McGonagall was laughing.

"You will, and you have," she said, with a smile, but I swear there were tears still in her eyes.

A pause, where I looked at the floor, surprised at myself.

"I'll try," I said, my voice cracking. "But- this auror course, Professor-."

"Yes, Lily, you can start now, if it means so much to you." Her voice was sharp again, which was a relief really.

"Thank you."

###################

It's arranged that I'll go to McGonagall's office at ten each morning to collect a portkey to the ministry, and she tells me to come back at that time, as it's only half seven now. Since I only half-jokingly was made to promise not to 'prepare' in the meantime, I walk past the library, and return to the common room again.

A few chairs have been filled now, though it had been completely empty when I left. A second year boy is reading by the fire... and Potter and Black are sprawled on one of the armchairs, laughing together. I decided my best bet is to politely ignore them. But they, it seems, haven't got the common curtsey to ignore me back.

"Hey, Lily!" Potter called out, and I gritted my teeth. Under the impression that I hadn't heard, despite being just across the room from him, he yelled, "Oy, Lil!"

"Hello, Potter, Black," I said coolly, and made to traipse upstairs.

"You're looking quite gorgeous in that top, Lil!" Potter said. The cheek of him! And he doesn't even fancy me! That's depressing... he doesn't fancy me, but he still yells compliments at me, like before, I can't help wondering if he ever fancied me. He just wanted to prove he could get any girl, but then he fell for Annabell. If he doesn't fancy me he can't mean it... so all those comments on me being pretty must have been lies, all of them.

Unless, no, my top is not dirty, or anything. So he was lying all the time. That hurt more than I would have though.

"Don't you like Annabell?" I said.

"Oh... yeah, but you do look cute."

I roll my eyes. He's probably trying to saying I look like I'm dressed in a bin bag. Maybe he was laughing at me the whole time.

"You fancy Annabell Jones?" interrupted Sirius.

"Er- this is, you know, the- well, yes I do," James said.

"Oh, I see," Sirius replied.

I don't see, and I also don't see the point of listening to those two idiots, and start to walk away but-

"Hey, Lily, didn't you promise to help me?"

"No," I muttered, under my breathe.

"Yeah, you did! To help me get Annabell to fall for me!"

"No," I snapped. _You did promise, though, _the cold bitter voice says in my head. _Are you going back out, like a coward. _I don't have the time, I think, but the bitter voice is laughing. _Of course you do... you've got till ten, but you're going to back out. You're pathetic... _I'm not, I'm not, I'm not.

"Fine!" I whirled round on the spot to face them, hands on hips. "I will! Later..."

"Now?"

"Later, Potter, or are you too dumb to understand that word?"

"Oooh, Prongs, that was harsh," Black laughed.

"Why are you two staying, anyhow?" I asked grudgingly.

"Why shouldn't we?" Potter said, with a smirk.

"You don't seem the type to stay at school to study," I said, starting to feel a bit embarrassed. Maybe I'm going over the top. "A mean, uh, Remus and Pettigrew are the more the sort, well-"

"Hey, Prongs, Lily-Dily's blushing!" Padfoot laughed, and my cheeks burnt bright red.

"Shut up," I said, and ran out of the common room.

Aria had woken up, and was standing a few steps up, talking, uh, arguing with Nathan. I caught the gist of their conversation..

"Annabell Jones, Nathan? Honestly, even drunk, I wouldn't go near her..."  
"No, I didn't realise you were a lesbian. Duh."

"But Annabell Jones? She's just-."

… before I rolled my eyes, and walked, head lowered, back to the common room, hoping that somehow Potter and Black wouldn't notice me. As they both burst out sniggering, as I came in, I gave up quite quickly on that idea.

"Can't you bear to stay away from us?" Potter called out.

"I think I can manage," I said.

"You love me really," Potter said.

"Yes, and how are things in world 'I wish'?" I said sarcastically, and Potter laughed.

"Nice comeback, Lily!" he said, with a grin.  
"Oh, shut up."

"No, I'm serious-."  
"-no, that's me!"

Mine and Potter's eyes met, and I rolled my eyes. "He always says that," Potter said, shrugging. "If you hang around Padfoot as long as I have you get used to it."

I realised I was grinning, despite myself.

"He means," Black said smoothly. "That you get used to my brilliance, handsomeness and-."

"If that makes you sleep at night," I interrupted, and Black pouted.

"You're not bad at comeback, you know, Lily," Potter said. "And yes, I'm serious- Sirius, don't say it!"

I burst out laughing, and Potter pulled out a seat, and slapped the cushion, in case I didn't realise it was for me.

"Thank you," Black said, and moved from his seat to Potter's.

"Well, sit down," Potter said, pulling out the seat that Black had been on two second previously.

"Er..." I blinked at him. Were my arch-enemies asking me to sit down, and not seeming to be doing it to wind me up? "No, I'm busy, bye," I choked out, and backed away. Potter probably only wanted to ask me about Annabell anyway.

"Hey! What, did I somehow offend you?" Potter said, and I could hear the surprise and disappointment in his voice.

"No, no, you didn't," I said, but my voice was drowned as the Fat Lady began a torrent of complaints on how I'd woken her up and only been in for a few seconds. "Sorry," I said to her.

Before the portrait hole swung shut and all sound was blocked, I heard Potter calling out, "Lily? Lily?" and for a second, I almost swung round to tell I wasn't really extra-angry or anything, but then I remembered my pride... and after all it's Potter! James Potter!

But he really seemed to care.

It was all an act though, because I knew for fact the girl he really cared about was Annabell Jones- I was just a stepping stone.

I began to walk hurriedly away, but as I turned a corner, I heard the portrait hole swing open again, and heard Potter call out again, "Lily?". I'd turned a corner now though, and he didn't know which way I'd gone.

##############################

I went to library, it's a safe-house, away from Potter, Black, Aria and Nathan's constant bickering, and life. Soon, I had vanished myself into a novel- pride and prejudice- and I was crying, smiling, living in a different world. Time flies so fast when your head's in a book. It had seemed only minutes since I sat down, but looking up at the clock, I saw it was already ten to ten. Placing pride and prejudice back on the shelf, I set out to McGonagall's room, ready to take the portkey.

**And it's me. Nagging/Author, then: Okay, so this whole chapter screams filler, but it seemed a good place to stop, and the next chapter will be longer. So (here comes the nagging author N/A bit) please, ****_please, _****review. I've only had one review on this story (thank you kiarwyn!), which is a bit discouraging. I'm trying really hard with this story, and it's great to get feedback- yes, I take criticism, though please don't flame, no one likes being told their story completely sucks.**


	4. Such fun, is auror training

"Uh, the name's Evans, Lily Evans," I said, to the receptionist. "I'm here for auror training."

"Evans," the receptionist witch repeats, sounding bored. "Evans... Evans... yes, here you are. Go through the there, take the second door to the right, then the third left and you'll be in the hall. Merry Christmas."

"Thank you, merry Christmas," I parroted back to her, and went through the door she indicated, taking care to walk at a "normal" speed, as if she would be watching me. Second right... third left... I count the doors, then push the last one open, and find myself in a rather shabby hall. There's an old wizard ticking names off from a register, and snobbish looking, blond boy strutting round in circles,. I can tell at a glance that he's several years older than me.

The register wizard zooms over to me, and asks me my name and address.  
"Right," he finished. "You're one of the first here, they'll be thirteen more arriving presently."

"Er.. good," I said, and sat down on a hard bench running across the wall, picked out a DADA book, and began to read. A few minutes later, I was aware that the horse-faced boy had sat down by me.

"Hi," I said pleasantly smiling at him.

"Hey," he drawled. "Who are ya?"

"I'm Lily," I said brightly. "And you?"

"Caius Gillian," he said. "I don't remember ever seeing ya around Hogwarts."

"We would have been in different years," I said. "I'm in my seventh year right now."

"You're still at school?" he drawled, raising a white blond eyebrow. "Dear, dear, I don't know if you'll really be able cope... it might be too hard for a school-kid."

"I'll manage," I said.

He shrugged. "If you say so."

He had a lazy way of speaking, lengthening the vowels, in a conceited drawl. I instantly disliked him. "I've already taken my N.E. ," I said coolly. "I got outstandings in everything but history and herbology- there I got exceeds expectations, so I don't have to bother studying, you see, and I do have experience in defense... I did a course in sixth year."

"There's no need to boast," he snapped, but I felt sure that he was rather impressed.

"At least I have something to boast about," I shot back.

"Since you started boasting in the first place," he said. "I got outstanding in every subject- every one- and I was responsible for the capture of Theodore Nott, the death eater, I passed valuable information to the ministry on the death eater for sixth months, before being detected in my hiding place, and risking my life in a sprint to safety. Due to my dueling skills, I did survive."

Wow.

"What a shame," I snapped.

He laughed. "How mature. Just what I'd expect from a school-kid."

The more quietly cutting and sarcastic he became, the more childish and angry I became.

"Oh, fuck off, loser," I said, and he raised an eyebrow.

"Really restrained, aren't you, Evans. Civil, like."

"Fuck- yourself!"

"Lily Evans!"

In my anger, my voice had risen, and I realised to my acute embarrassment, that the register wizard was standing over us, looking down at me with a look of surprise and disappointment.

"You may," he said, his voice like ice. "Be the youngest on the course, but that does not excuse your childish, unrequited cursing. Please restrain from using such language around here, if you wish to continue."

Face burning, I muttered an apology.

"And apologise to Caius."

"Sorry," I hissed, furious at the superior smirk on his face.

"I accept," he said pompously. "After all, Cameron-" I assumed this was the register-wizards name. "She is just a school-child."

I ground my teeth together. I had never thought I would find anyone I would hate quite as much as I hated Potter, but this Caius Gillian was putting my belief to the test. What. A. Jerk.

Luckily, I was spared anymore correspondence with Gillian when four more arrived at that moment, and he went off to talk to them. Probably telling them what a loser I am, I thought huffily, as I grabbed my book up again and continued to read.

###################

"Everyone here?" someone barked, and I dropped my book. I wouldn't say I'm someone who's freaked out easily, but god damn it, anyone would be freaked out by the man, if you could call it that, limping towards me. His face looked like it had chiseled from wood, by someone who had only the faintest idea how a face should look. A huge, chuck of his nose of missing, leaving only a dark hole, and every inch of him was thick with long dark scars and cuts running across it, slitting his face into numerous sections, and as he walked his leg chucked dully against the floor. "Frightened?"

"Er.. no, sir," I said, picking up my book, and swallowing. He examined me with his small, beady black eyes, and shrugged.

"It's Moody," he said to the room. His voice was course, like his rough skin and grizzled hair, and like a growl. "Alaster Moody."

No one spoke.

"Partners!" he yelled suddenly. "We're not wasting time faffing around with any more introductions. Partners, now."

And nobody moved.

"Well, then," he growled. "I'll partner you. Alphabetical order. Lily Evans- and Caius Gillian, Andy Hardi – and-."

He didn't get further than that. Both me and Gillian gave a yell of anger.

"Sir!" I said, jumping off the bench. "I'm sorry, but I have an objection. Me and, uh, Gillian, would both do better not working together-."

"You're Lily Evans?" he barked.

"Er... yeah," I said, backing away. So maybe that wasn't the best move.

"Well, Evans, you know, if you're dueling some death eater, do you think you can bow out in the middle, eh?"

"Er.. no, sir," I said, scowling.

"Think they'll be polite, and tell you to go home and cry on your Mummy's shoulder, eh, eh?"

"No, sir, sorry."

"So you're not going to now! You're going to play it like this is a duel to the death! Do you want to duel someone who will play meek, because death eaters won't! I'm doing you a favour, giving you a real duel! Got a be prepared. CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" he bellowed, and everyone jumped.

"Y-yes, sir," I said. So we were going to be dueling. That's just great. At least I'd be able to smash that slimy git's face in. I'm the best at dueling in the school, and I wouldn't mind taking Gillian on. At all.

He was smirking at me now, totally enjoying my discomfort. I scowled back, and made a mental note to kick him in the balls when I got a chance.

"You take him on, or you get out of here, and don't bother coming back!"

"I'll take him," I said, and with silent defiance went to stand by Gillian, drawing my wand.

Moody continued to pair the group, then barked, "So, I want to see you duel! Now!"

Me and Gillian turned and glowered at each other, then, very slowly, I lowered my head, in a sort of bow.

"Furnunculus!" Gillian yelled, before I had time to raise my head, and I gave a shriek of pain of boils broke out over my face.

"You- cheat-" I spluttered. "You- have- to- bow!"  
I raised my wand, but a silent burst of light broke from his wand, hitting me on my arm, and I instinctively rose my arm to my mouth where a large, shiny red burn. Another flash of light crashed into my chest, like an invisible shield, knocking me backwards. I could hear Gillian laughing, and as I rolled over I saw leaning back against the wall casually shooting hexing at me. One hit me, and my legs snapped together... leg-locker, and he whipped his wand through the air making fur cover one leg, and it hurt... and a wave of spells smashed against me, my wand had slid through my fingers and I couldn't reach it...

Then it was over.

I was curled up on the floor, the whole group watching on, interested, and no more hexes were flying from Gillian's wand. Moody was watching too... and he was supposed to be our trainer!

"You lost," Gillian drawled, slightly louder than he needed to, just so everyone could hear. "Admit that you can't duel for toffee."

I looked into his pale, triumphant face, and real hatred rushed through me. Somehow, one hand closed around my wand, and clung to it. With a burst of strength, I threw myself upwards, silently hexing him, and was thrown back, not expecting the refusal to back down.

Then I was knocked back again, and from far away a voice said, "that was a mistake."

I was swung back against the wall, trying harder than ever to throw a hex but completely unable to think of one. I was twisted, suddenly in mid-air, as though I struggled, I was being turned upside down. My robes fell back, and the hall laughed.

"Nice knickers, Evans."

They were the pink princess ones... I tried to pull up my robes again, but they fell between my fingers, before I crumpled to the floor.

"STOP!"

Finally... Moody was taking charge.

"Once you've won, don't keep fighting! It's over." Moody was telling him. "Anyway, thanks, Evans, for that demonstration of how not to duel. Get up."

I scrambled to my feet, angrier than ever. "He cheated!" I accused. "He hexed me when I bowed."

"Will death eaters bow, Evans?" Moody growled.

I didn't reply. "They won't, so you don't either!" he said.

"It was common courtesy in starting a duel," I said, loudly and clearly.

"And death eater will have common courtesy, will they girlie?"

"I like to think," I said, all common sense deserting me. "That I am a cut above death eaters- although Gillian clearly isn't."

There was a silence.

"If you want airs and manners, Evans," Moody barked. "You shouldn't try to be an auror. In fact, I'm starting to wonder whether it's the right path for you. I think you might do best to leave."

Gillian laughed.

"_No!"_ my voice rose to a yell. "I'm doing this, Moody, whatever you say, you can't kick me out!"

I noticed that Gillian's face fell, and that gave me strength. Moody laughed now, a raspy laugh, like he'd grown out of the habit of laughing at all.

"I'll revive that," he said. "You've got some grit. You could have run away crying, but you stayed. Who knows?" Now Gillian looked bitter. Ha.

"You not getting me running out crying," I said, starting to smile at the compliment. It was the weirdest compliment a teacher had ever given me, but it was also the one which made me feel best. Being an auror was my dream. It was what I wanted more than anything in the world- to help fight death eaters, Voldemort even, to prove I was more than a geek, to show everyone I was more than a mudblood. No one would chase me off that path, not Gillian, not Moody, not Potter. Nobody.

"I can believe that, actually," Moody said. "Now, Evans, you're not the best dueller-."  
"She is just a school-child," Gillian said loudly.

Something in just exploded, I'm not sure what it was. I swung on the spot and yelled, "DESAUGEO!"

"Protego!" Gillian said, but the hex smashed through his shield, and he clamped his hands to his mouth, as his teeth began to grow, making him a resemble a rabbit.

"Finite."

His teeth stopped growing, much to my disappointment, and everyone fell about laughing as Gillian tried desperately to cover them.

"Yeah.. you can got the Medical Bay later, both of you," Moody said dismissively, and I remembered, with a jerk, that I had a burn on my arm, boils across my face, and it felt like a bruise on my chest to where his invisible shield had hit me. I hoped that I didn't look too awful. "Anyway, Evans, you can't duel."

"I can," I interrupted. "I'm the best in Hogwarts!"

"A _school," _Moody said. "Death eaters don't come from school. Now, Evans, you need to learn to take criticism."  
"I can take constructive criticism!"

"Then listen! You can't duel. You need to learn a wider range of spells, but we'll study though later, and you need to be fitter."

"I am fit! And, besides, what does that have to do with dueling!"

"You need to be able to move on your feet," Moody said. "You're not fit enough. You can't lunge about to dodge spells that you can't shield. You just stand still all the time, unless you're thrown off your feet. So, Evans, exercise, get fitter, as well. That is, if you want to be an auror."

"I do," I said, and it feels like a promise, and I don't know if I can keep it. But I've got to, because this is my dream. Learn new spells, put up with criticism, and get fitter... exercise, eat less. I will, if that's what it takes. I've got to.

**N/A: Please review... I know this chapter had absolutely zero Jily but it was needed, and whenever I read a Jily I always get annoyed if Lily seems to have no life besides hating/secretly crushing on James, so I needed it. And please review... James will return next chapter, promise.**


	5. Tomato Soup, House Elves, and Exercise

"Lily."

"Potter. Go."

"So, darling, you're mad at me?" Potter said. His voice was light and breezy, but it was a question.

"When am I not? And don't call me darling, for God's sake!"

"Okay, darling for God's sake."

"That isn't funny."

"'Cos you have no sense of humour."

"I do, but I'm busy!"

"Studying?" He said it like it was a bad thing- it isn't.

"Actually, no!" I said. "What do you care anyway?"

"Because I love you."

The words seemed to pop from his mouth, and I turned slowly to gape at him. "What did you say?" I clarified, although we both knew I'd couldn't have misheard in the practically silent room.

"I love you," Potter said, completely seriously.

But he fancied Annabell Jones!

Then it hit me. Potter was winding me up. Honestly, what a git! I strode forward, swung my hand back and slapped him hand across the cheek, so it echoed all round the room, like they do in plays.

"Ouch!" Potter cried. "Lily, what the hell?"

"You are such an arrogant toerag," I spat out. "You think it's clever to wind me up, when we both know perfectly well you fancy Annabell Jones! Not that I'd date you if you didn't. You love me, yeah, Potter, yeah, yeah you do, do you?"

Anger was rising inside me like fire, and I drew back my hand again, but Potter dodged under it, and came up smirking. "You little-." I started to say, but then Potter jumped up again and pressed his lips to mine.

My first reaction was plain 'urgh'. Potter was trying to snog me. I opened my mouth to hurl insults at him, but then his tongue slid into my mouth before I could stop him, and was slipping about my mouth like a big wet slug.

Then, my senses cottoned it, and well, I'll admit it, for half a second I relaxed into the kiss. It felt not to bad, in a disgusting to think about, but kind of okay to do way. Snogging Potter... not an experience I wished to ever, ever repeat but mildly interesting. He moved his tongue about too much though, flicking it here and there, so I couldn't bite it down hard to show that he shouldn't do something like that. He probably planned it, the creep.

Now, I know what you're thinking. Yeah, yeah, she's acting like she doesn't want to snog him senseless till the world ends, but if you hate him so, why don't you just slap him. You'll letting him snog you- ha, you must fancy him. Now, I would say, flawed logic, totally flawed logic. Yes, I did snog Potter for- I have this really weird habit of counting seconds when all my other senses go out the window- about three seconds, but get this, I was in shock. Pure shock.

Then I punched him.

It was a strong, hard punch which sent him reeling back, hands over his nose, as blood squirted from his nose, like a fountain. I can also inform you that there was a loud crunching noise, so I'm pretty sure it was broken.

"I just kissed my Lily Flower," he mumbled, as he found a tissue and began to mop at his nose. "And she kissed me back!"  
"Um, hello?" I said. "I broke your nose, I didn't snog you back."  
"So you admitted we snogged?" Potter said cheerfully, as began to use his robes to stifle the blood.

"Well, you sexually abused me," I said.

"If I sexually abused you, Lily Flower, why were you kissing me back- don't deny it, your tongue came into my mouth. I felt it."

"No," I said, beginning to became irritated. Not only did Potter snog me.

"No?"

"I was trying to bite your tongue actually, Potter," I admit, then blink as Potter burst out laughing.

"Oh, Lily-sweetheart, you're hilarious."

I scowled harder. "No, get out, like I said earlier, I'm busy."

"You won't accompany me to the hospital wing."

"No, I will not, Potter."

"Shame. So what are you doing?"

"Exercising, if you must know," I said.

"What?" Potter face was a mask of genuine confusion. "You- exercising?"

"Exercise is intense physical activity, Potter, didn't you know?"

"Yes... but, why the hell are you exercising, Lil?"

I decide not to reply, and instead place both hands of the metal bar in front of me, and jump to reach it. Desperately I try to bend my elbows to reach my chin, but it's too painful, too tiring, and my hands slip away from it, and I collapse in a heap on the ground. Moody's right... I'm unfit, pathetic, and I know I must look stupid sprawled on the fall in an ungainly heap.

Potter doesn't laugh though, and I'm beyond grateful.

"Lily, you do no you don't have to exercise," Potter said quietly. "You're strong, and slim, and beautiful, already."

Ha. Winding me up.

"Potter, I've had enough of this," I tell him sharply. "Telling me you love me, then snogging me, then this. Just- just go away. I've had enough, okay?"

"Lily, everything I said, it was true," Potter told me, and if I didn't know him, I would believe him, he sounds so earnest.

"You. Fancy. Annabell. Jones," I said.

A strange, disappointed look crossed Potter's face, and then he grinned. "Yep, Lily, I do."

"So why did you kiss me?" I already know the answer of course, but I want to hear it from Potter's lips and sure enough:

"Emerald eyes, you know I live to wind you up."

That's all I need to know. Silently, I turn back to the bar.

I am busy. I need to become fit before the next auror session- which is tomorrow. Tall order? I'm Lily Evans. Determined. Hard working. Strong-willed.

#################

Tall order? Two hours later, I'm beginning to wonder if I'm going over the top. I've been straining myself till my muscles are sore, and I'm screaming out in hunger. I'm not alone, though, that's the bad thing. If Potter wasn't refusing to leave, as he watched me a small, worried frown on his face, who knows, I might give up. But while Potter sits, watching, I'm not backing down.

"Lily, please..."

I zone out, at those two words, because Potter going to start ranting again. "I'm starving, you know."

I wasn't expecting that. It angers me somehow. "Then, why don't you just stop laughing at me and go and eat then? Am I asking you to stay? Am I?"

"I am very hungry, dearest, and my nose is still bleeding. But I choose to stay with you, and that's all the thanks I get?"

I. Hate. That. Git.

"Oh, so it's my fault you haven't the brains to go to the Hospital Wing, then?" I snapped.

"Not at all, Sweettums," Potter said, laughing at my displeasure. "I plan on never leaving you."

"And here's the end of my life," I said sarcastically. "Besides, you like Annabell."

"Maybe I do, maybe I don't," Potter shrugged, in that infuriating way of his. "But, Lily, we're hungry."

"We are, are we?" Well, I certainly was, though I didn't say, of course.

"You missed breakfast, Lily, going to that auror thingy, and now you've missed lunch. We could wait till dinner, or we could go to the kitchens. You choose."

"Dinner- and later. And without you."

"Wrong!" Potter cried. "It's the kitchen, Lil, come on."

"No."

Potter strolled over to me, and put a hand on my shoulder, and grabbed one of my hands.

"What are you doing?"  
"You're coming, Lily."

It's not a question, it's a statement, and there's something about the authorised way he said it, that made me break. For some reason, tears began to fill my eyes, and I let myself be led away by Potter, who looks like Christmas had come early.

"To the kitchens, Freckles."

"What is this, give me a nickname day?" I said, rubbing my eyes. I don't cry. I'm Lily Evans, and I'm tough.

"No, I just liking giving you nicknames," Potter replied.

I shook his arms off me, but because I am truly hungry now, follow him meekly. But if this is a prank... Potter, you're dead.

"Where are we going?" I asked, as Potter suspiciously, stepping away from him when he tried to hold my hand again.

Potter stops outside an arching portrait of a bowl of fruit. It was slightly cartoon-like, unlike many of the Hogwarts pictures.

"Watch this, Lily darling," he smirked.

"I'm not a darling," I said grumpily.

"Sure you aren't, Lils," he said.

"Nor am I 'Lils'," I told him sharply. "You will address me by 'Evans', Potter, since that is the name I give out to those I don't like."

"But you love me really- and watch, Gingersnaps, no, don't argue, watch!"

"I do not love you, really or falsely," I muttered, and yeah, I was speaking the truth. Potter is, there is one word for it, impossible. And arrogant. And stuck-up. And infuriating.

"Oh, shut it, and watch," Potter said.

"Who do you think I am?" I challenged, crossing my arms and glaring at him.

"You," Potter said, and then seemed to regret it, when I rolled my eyes, and said,

"I agree, so you have no right to tell me to shut. For such reasons, I'm leaving. Goodbye."

"Ugh!" Potter gave a loud sigh, and charged after me, though I quickened my pace. "God, Lily, you're impossible."

"What?" I sniggered slightly and turned round. "Talk about the pot calling the kettle black, Potter. Hypocrite!"

"Me, I'm not impossible," Potter said, looking offended. "Least, not like you are."

I raised an eyebrow.

"Now, Gingersnaps, to the kitchens- watch."

Torn between curiosity and disapproval, I turned to watch, making sure I had an ice-cold frown on my face. Undaunted, Potter threw me a grin, and reached out and ran his hand across the pear... and there was a doorknob that certainly hadn't been there before. Still grinning like an utter weirdo, Potter yanked on the doorknob, pulling the picture forwards, revealing a passage.

"I present thee, with the kitchens!" Potter cried, and I leant forward to look. It was a high-ceilinged room, with bounds of glistening plates and dishes surrounding it. I only had a split-second glimpse of it though, before I we were surrounded by strange bent-over creatures dressed in tea towels and such.

"House elves," Potter explained.

"This is so against the rules, isn't it?" I said guardedly, glancing quickly at Potter.

"Er..."

I sighed. "Knew it."

"Aren't you hungry, though?" Potter said. "Because, look-." He strutted forward, and the house elves scattered as he entered. "Chocolate buns, elves."

A second later, a group of elves had come hurrying to him, each supporting the corner of a large silver tray, laden with buns, and two classes of steaming milk.

"They're good," Potter said, plucking up a bun and beginning to devour it. "C'mon, Lily, try them."

I watched in shocked silence, as Potter took the second bun, while the elves stood still, holding the tray up for him. I had known that Potter was filthy rich, and stuck-up to the extreme, but even so, the way he simply took the buns, without even acknowledging the elves, truly shocked me.  
"Aren't," I said finally, my voice shaking with suppressed anger. "You going to take that tray?"

"Eh, what?" Potter said, stuffing the third bun into his mouth.

I began to pick my way towards him, smiling rather too brightly, at the elves, and muttering thank-yous as they separated, till I was standing next to him. Then, I reached down, and carefully lifted the tray from the elves unresisting hands.

"Thank you," I hold them, and lifted the bun to my mouth. It smelt sickly sweet in a way that made my stomach churn. "It smells delicious."

The elves gave squeaks of pleasure, and sunk into low bows. "It's the pleasure, Missus," one squeaked. "Pleasure."

The tray was far heavier than I thought- it must have been made of iron, honestly- and my arms nearly dropped off as I shook it under Potter's nose. "Take them," I said quietly, but my voice had a steely quality to it.

"Um... sure," Potter replied, his eyes flicking about, confused, and picked another bun.

I almost laughed at how spoilt he was.

"I meant the tray," I said. "Won't you take it?"

Potter blinked at me. "Um, fine, yeah," he said, and I pushed the tray into his hand. There was a moment when we were joint holding it, so I knew he had got a grip of it, then he swore loudly, and the tray smashed to the floor.

The elves came sweeping forward to sweep the mess away, but I held up one hand. "Don't worry, elves," I told them in fake cheerful tone. "Don't bother cleaning it up."

Potter watched me, looking truly and utterly bemused.

"Bloody hell, Lily?" he said. "We have house elves for a reason."

"Why," I said, ignoring him. "Did you drop that tray?"

"It was fucking heavy," Potter said furiously. "Anyway, we have elves, why do we need to need to hold the trays, the elves were doing before-."

"I knew you were spoilt," I said coldly. "But your worse than even I thought."

"What the hell?"  
"They do have feelings, you know, these house elves," I said. "And if that tray was too heavy for you, well, why shouldn't four elves half your size have to hold it? Getting not a single word of thanks."

"They like it!"

I just looked at him. Maybe this is something all purebloods are taught, to treat elves like dirt. If so, I was sure glad I was muggle-born.

"Please," I said, turning away to face the elves.

"We do like it, Missus," one squeaked out.

"See?"

"Please, may I have some tomato soup?" I asked sweetly. They scuttled eagerly up to me, holding a bowl of soup, which I took, thanking them.

"Good... eat," Potter said. "Stop-."  
I knew it was a terrible waste but I couldn't help myself. I swung round, and slowly, relishing every second, lifted the soup up, and poured it spectacularly over Potter's arrogant head.

**Nagging/Author: Another chapter up. And there was a kiss between Lily and James. Though I don't think you expected James' tongue to be described as a big wet slug, but oh well. (: Now the bit I (and really any writer, I reckon) always nags you about: please, please review. You've reached the end of chapter five people, so you must like it a bit- and if you fave/follow please write a review, even just a short one.**


	6. Bickering war and truces with Potter

"Hey, guys, guess what?"

Okay, so I guess glowering ferociously at each other is a better past-time than listening to my riveting stories.

"Heeello," I said, waving my hand in front of Aria's face. "Can you hear me?"

"What? Yes," she said, snapping out of her trance.

"Hey, Lily," Nathan said. "Hey, come to dinner with me."

"Um, well, actually," I hesitated. "No..."

I'm trying to get fit. I don't want Nathan observing what I eat. I will go to dinner, just later.  
"God, are you taking Aria side, now?" Nathan said.

What is it with Aria and Nathan and arguing? And they're supposed to be best friends?

"No, no, I'm not," I tried to explain.

"Oh, I see, then," Aria said, sniffing and flicking her hair.

"Can't you, I dunno, just be friends?" I asked.

"It's hard to be friends with such a weirdo," Nathan said.

"Harder to be friends with an insensitive git like you."

"Insensitive, was I? Name one time when I was insensitive, Ari."

"When you called me Ari, after I keep telling just to call me Aria, like everyone else."

I slumped down, head in hands, but their voices continued to break though.

"I'm so _sorry, _Ari."

Could they ever stop? Godsake...

"Hey."

Their snapping has got shorter. Wonder if they'll stop some time.

"What?"

Now... questions. Probably being sarcastic.

"L. I. L. Y."

What they talking about?

"Oh, yeah. I guess she's telling us to stop bickering."

Wait, a second.

"Totally. So, Lily-."

I jerked up, blinking, realising that they'd been talking about me.

"Soz," Nathan finished, cutting into Aria's sentence.

"You do know," Aria said, smiling. "Whenever we talk about you when you go into trances, we just say L. I. L. Y. Nathan thought of it. Ingenuous."

"Well, uh, yeah, you aren't too stupid yourself," Nathan replied.

And here comes the bickering...

"ANYWAY!" I yelled, and they turned to look at me. "Apart from working out how to talk about me behind my back, er-."

"While you sit and groan," Aria suggested.

"Er, yeah," I said, and we all collapsed giggling. "I've got news."

"Good or bad?" Nathan said.

"Just let me finish, okay?" I said, irritated. "Because of Potter, I now have have detention."

"You're kidding," Nathan and Aria said together.

"I'm _not_," I said. "I do."

"No..." Nathan said. "I didn't mean you're kidding about having a detention. I meant are you actually blaming James for getting you detention?"

It's time like this when I want to have Severus for a friend again, so, so much.

"Yes, I am," I said.

"So what did you do?" Nathan said.

"I, er, well..." I trail away. I can hardly say, he was annoying me so I punched him, then poured soup over him, and at that exact moment, Slughorn saw- and gave us both detentions for being out of bounds. If it was Sev, I could just rant about how he dragged me out of bounds, but I know Nathan would see through it with ease.

"Punched him for no reason?" Nathan said.

"Nooo," I sighed. "He dragged me out of bounds-."

"Nah, bet you anything you went with him willingly, just grumbling, 'cos you clearly fancy him."

"Oh my God, Nathan," I said. "Grow up. Just because Potter says he's soft on me doesn't mean I give a damn about him. Actually, I know for fact that he doesn't like me one bit, but even if he did, that wouldn't change the fact that I really couldn't fancy him less. To assume that just because a boy likes a girl, the girl will eventually fall for him, is nothing less of sexist, Nathan, Aria! It doesn't happen like that. In really life, sometimes someone fancies, even loves, a person who doesn't love them back, but since Potter doesn't love me..."

I trailed away, suddenly remembering, out of nowhere:

"_Why do you care, anyway?"_

"_Because I love you."_

_The words seemed to pop from his mouth, and I turned slowly to gape at him. "What did you say?" I clarified, although we both knew I'd couldn't have misheard in the practically silent room._

"_I love you," Potter said, completely seriously._

But he had been winding me up, right?

I glanced up at my two best friends, although they would never really be my true best friends, I called them that, because I couldn't go round saying Sev was still a friend, and became aware that they were smirking at each, eyes locked together. Nathan was imitating me, and mouthing, 'but since Potter doesn't love me,' throwing his arms about, and pretending to flick his hair; Aria had her hand over her mouth, as she flopped back, trying to hide her giggles.

"Fine then!" I said, jumping to my feet. "Laugh at me, then. Believe hat you want, but I swear to God, I don't fancy Potter! Now, laugh and say I'm being too defensive, I really couldn't care less!"

"Lily..." Nathan sounded reproachful, playful, mock-shocked. "Don't be like that, Lils."

"Goodbye!" I said, and stomped away.

Yep, I knew I was overacting but I couldn't help it. I had wanted to whine about Potter, and getting a detention, but I had no friends who actually just let me do that! Sev would have.

It was too late now, though. For weeks Sev had tried to make up, and each and every time I'd snapped at him, pushed him fiercely away. Now, when I wanted to take his role on, I knew in my heart that Sev would take on mine. How could I blame him?

Neither Nathan or Aria came after me. Probably giving me space. I didn't want them too, I wanted to walk straight back up to them and apologise, but I didn't dare to. Why was I in Gryffindor again? I couldn't go to dinner, because Potter or Nathan and Aria would surely be there, so I decided I might as well do something worthwhile. Exercise.

#######################

And here comes Potter. What utter perfection.

"That tomato soup was jolly hot, you know," he said. "I've got burn marks."

I sighed, feeling almost guilty. Chucking boiling hot soup around, out of bounds wasn't exactly responsible and mature, which was what I liked to think I was. Potter could have been seriously injured, and as much as I think he's an arrogant prat, well, I don't want him maimed.

"Sorry," I said, after a moments pause.

"What?" Potter asked.

This is another reason why I hate Potter. If I've ever got anything humiliating I'm going to say to him, offering me new humiliating agony.

"Sorry for chucking soup on you," I said sharply. "Didn't you hear?"

"Yes, but," he gave a nervous laugh. "I couldn't believe that Lily Evans, the girl famous for her pride, infamous for her temper and not backing down, just say-."  
"All right, all right," I said. "Don't go on about it."

"Okay," he said. "And then, well, sorry for being jerkish about the house elves, er, well, sorry about the last few years really. I can understand why you started hating me, actually, looking I was pretty-."  
"Arrogant, stuck-up, annoying, rude, badly-behaved, bullying and sick," I finished.

Potter gave a nervous gulp. "Um.. yes, I was!"

I blinked. "Eh?"

"I was," Potter repeated.

"Did you, wow, Potter, you- you- just apologised."  
"No need to sound so shocked," Potter said.

Frankly, I sounded shocked because I was.

"Well, okay," I said, a idea forming in my mind. "Let's make a deal."

"If includes me getting a kiss, I'm in. With tongue that is."  
Teenage boys. Honestly, he doesn't even like me!

"It doesn't."

"Any shagging then?"

"No, Potter, it doesn't," I said.

"Well, fine, if you strip I'll take that," Potter said. "It wouldn't be quite as great as shagging, but it'll make me can't of mad to see you but not be able to do it, though I'd be allowed touch, OK?"

"Here's the deal," I said, ignoring him. "You fancy Annabell Jones, right?"  
"Er... yeah..."

"Well, I help you get Annabell, but apart from that you leave me well alone, right?"  
Potter paused. "How will you help me get Annabell?"

"Well, I saw her snogging Nathan at that party of yours," I said cautiously. Potter nodded, looking less mad than I would have expected. "So they might be together. And I'm not splitting up my best friend and his girlfriend. But, if they break up, then I'll give you advice and, oh whatever, help you write love notes, in, uh, weekly sessions?"

"You have to give me advice every day, and not just after when they break up," Potter said immediately.

"Well... and in return you leave me alone at every other time. The sessions will be fifteen minutes each," I said. "Deal?" I said, and stuck my hand out.

Potter paused again, then said, a glint in his eye, "but if you want be to hang round you at extra times, that isn't against the deal?"  
"I never would," I said, with conviction.

"But if you did?"

"Fine... deal?"

And we shook on it.

#############################

"So," Moody growled, his eyes flickering around, and gauging each one of our expressions. "The auror department has three spaces. Just three. There's fifteen of you here, and more will pour in, trying to get the spaces. You've all got good N.E. or you wouldn't be here. We need more. You need to be strong. You need to be determined. You need to stop staring out of the window, Evans, and listen to what I'm saying!"

I jumped, turned a shade a bright red. I was listening, actually, I was imagining myself, getting that space, be able to become to real auror, like Moody. A real auror.

"Sorry, sir," I muttered quickly, and fixed both eyes back on Moody.

Gillian raised both eyes to the heavens, and gave me an infuriatingly superior look.

"You can repeat these tests next year," Moody growled. "Like you are, Gillian, but you needn't think you're better, because you've failed once already."

I cast Gillian a delighted look. It was mean, but, hell, I was going remember that piece of information, and use it too.

"You've got six days until these tests," Moody said. "Now. Getaways. Spells. If you're caught and only if, use Crepidere, to escape. Now- watch."

I do watch his wand, point straight the desk beneath him, and say it a sharp, clear voice 'crepidere', but my mind is elsewhere. Even when the desk explodes in a burst of black lights, I don't cry out 'cool,' and 'wowww', like most of the group. There's a think soot-like dust filling the room, darkening so I can barely see my hand in front of my face, but I stand stock still as the dust cleared minutes later, and we're left standing in the room, most people looking around surprised and pleased.

I couldn't really care less about how awesome the spell is though. It's just hit me.

Three places... six days... Just three places.

I look around the group of fifteen and realise, swallowing that most people have Christmas biting back tears, at least they will if they care about this like I do. That is, if we find out the results on the same day, which is unlikely.

Only three places- and more people will pour in. Olly, maybe.

I look at Gillian, and imagine spending the next three years training with him, going through trust games, working with him. It seems crazy, impossible, downright mad, but it's what I want. To train, and Gillian the best of the fifteen, so he's almost sure to get a place this year.

I look around, and my eyes latch onto a girl with stringy blonde hair, who's name I don't know or have forgotten. My next three years, after graduation, could be with this nameless girl. I can't imagine it.

My eyes finally rest back on Moody's, who's telling us fiercely how we can use this in escapes, telling us how to say it. You need to really believe in it, he said, you have to pour anger into it, to make the explosion happen.

"Crepidere," I whisper the word, pointing my wand to the fall. I know I pronounce it perfectly, but nothings happens. It doesn't surprise me.

"Right, then," Moody said. "Practise. You first, Jennings."

The girl with stringy blonde hair comes forward nervously, twiddling her wand between her fingers. I knew at once that she wouldn't succeed- and when she pointed her wand at the pencil case Moody had gestured to, apparently small, lighter objects were easier, saying to incantation in a shaking voice, nothing more happened than the pencil case doing a strange jumping, and toppling onto the floor.

Nobody seemed to be able to do it. Gillian was the best, and made a loud banging, and sent the pencil case hurtling into the air, but yeah...

"Evans, you."

Taking a deep breathe, I walked forward, pointed my wand at it, and said, "crepidere". Absolutely nothing happened. Gillian laughed openly. I wasn't any worse than the others! I glowered at him, and raised my wand again, imaging with all my might, it exploding and smashing into his stupid face.

"Crepidere!"

BANG!

There was smoke everywhere, but it wasn't thick enough for me to be unable to see the grudging admiration and jealousy on Gillian- and pretty much everyone else's face- and the triumph on Moody's.

"Very _good!_" he bellowed. "Very good, indeed, Evans. I definitely misjudged yesterday... definitely- now, try again, and watch everybody- look at her eyes, I say you can always see strength of will in the eyes, when a spell is cast, go on Evans, try on that box."

I raised my arm again, burning with pleasure, and yelled it again.

It worked.

I could do- I was the first to do.

I knew that it wasn't a guarantee, that all it meant was that I was the first at doing one spell, but it felt like I'd already been accepted, that I was passed the test already. For that spell, at least, I was the best in the group, despite also being the youngest.

I could do this- and I was going to. Nothing, and nobody, would stop me now.

**N/A: I didn't like the end of this one. Lily seemed pretty Mary-Sueish, getting the spell first and stuff. And Gillian is a scary stu, which is not good... but I'll try to un-stu later.**


	7. The book

I am backing out of here... backing out of here, and thank God, they didn't see me. Once the door had slid shut, I tumbled back and collapsed on the sofa, and began to giggle like I'd never stop.

"Why are you giggling?" Aria said, sitting down beside me.

"Oh... er," I said, and my peel of nervous giggling slowed. "Ah, Aria."

"Why were you giggling?" Aria repeated. "What's the joke?"

"No joke," I replied- which wasn't exactly genius since I'd been laughing not stop a few seconds ago, but I couldn't exactly tell Aria, 'hey, yeah, Nathan's snogging Annabell in that room over there. They seemed pretty busy, didn't even notice me, so you better not disturb them'. Remembering Aria's reaction at the party... I had no wish for a repeat fight, not when at the moment, Aria and Nathan seemed to be on reasonable terms. Though they wouldn't stop _bickering!_ Honestly.

"Tell me," Aria said, her blue eyes narrowing behind her glasses.

"Nothing!" I repeated, completely unconvincingly. "It was just... I was thinking of Potter, and then all the hate for him just poured out, I guess."

"Potter!" Aria groaned. "You're obsessed with that boy. I'm starting to think you secretly fancy him after all."

"Anyone say my name?" Potter said causally stretching out on the sofa by me- I twitched angrily- while Black reached out and grabbed the last ginger biscuit from the plate... and I really liked ginger biscuits.

"No," I said, between gritted teeth. "Nobody mentioned your name, Potter."

"But I could have sworn you were whispering 'James Potter' under your breathe, like a mantra, looking totally lovesick," Aria said sweetly, and Potter and Black both burst out wolf-whistling and laughing.

I blushed angrily. "I was not!" I said. It wasn't even funny anymore, pretending that I had a crush on Potter, that joke had gone stale long ago.

"Just a leetle too defensive, don't ya think?" Black smirked, and winked flirtingly at Aria. She sniffed, tossed her long black hair over her shoulder, and glared back almost defiantly.

"Shut up," I snapped, and cast a longing look towards the biscult tray, which now had only plains. Black had no right to barge in and take the best biscuits- though, thinking about it, it was probably best that I didn't stuff myself with sugar. After all, I wanted to be an auror, and, according to Moody, anyhow potential aurors had to be fit. I didn't exactly agree, but hey, if I wanted to get that place, I needed to push myself the furthest, and if it was a choice between biscuits and being an auror, I think I knew which won.

"Oooh, living up to her hair, she is," Black said.

"Oh, fuck off," I said, and jumped to my feet.

"Did Lily Evans, head girl, top of the class, little miss perfect, just tell us to fuck off! No way!" Potter called out.

"We had a truce, remember?" I said.

"Oh yeah... I do," Potter said. "What was it again? A shag in return for..."

"Oh, you're so immature," I spat out, and flounced off- or started to. Suddenly, my hand on the doorknob, I stopped, remembering with a jerk, that it was this corridor where Nathan and Annabell were snogging, and took a hasty step back.

"Going to stay after all? Brilliant!"

"No, I'm not," I said, and turned for the other door, hoping against hope that nobody would question why I didn't go through thr other door.

"What's wrong with the other one?" said Aria.

"There was chewing gum on the doorknob," I said quickly, yep, too quickly, for Aria's eyes contracted again.

She rose to her feet, and inspected the doorknob before she said, "there's no chewing gum on the door, Lily."

I sighed, causing Potter and Black to hurry over to discover my secret. It occored to me that I wanted to keep Potter from seeing to... with Aria stamping on Nathan's feet, and Potter, I dunno, chucking mud at them- that's what he'd done back when he fancied me and I'd snogged Alex, though it might just have been to annoy me. After all, Potter didn't like me now, so he probably didn't like me then. That was mildly depressing. If I even began to hate my appearance, I used to be able to think 'well, Potter'll like it' and 'Potter thinks I'm pretty, anyway, even if he's a git'. Maybe I had been kidding myself, all along.

Shaking myself together, I went and stood my the door too, leaning casually against it, which stopped it being opened too, though Potter and Black might drag me off and it and open it.

There were, however, advantages in Potter and Black butting in though, because when Black flirtingly whispered sometime in Aria's ear, she was too distracted smiling serenely, but stepping back and away. The second time he muttered sometime to her, Aria looked mildly affronted, sniffed, crossed her arms across her chest, and walked silently... towards me and the door. I guess I'd been too interested in watching Aria turn Black down that I would have forgotten about the issue of Nathan and Annabell snogging in the next room- but Potter reminded me.

"So, what is happening in there?" he said, lightly putting his hand on the doorknob, and annoyed, I yanked it down.

"Nothing, Potter," I hissed frantically, and seeing his smirk and his hand on the doorknob, shrugged and added, "fine. I just don't want to let Aria see Nathan snogging Annabell, if you must know."

I glanced sharply up at Potter, expected him to look taken aback, or hurt, or angry, or sometime... but not sniggering gently.

"Annabell and Nathan," I said, making sure it sank in. "You fancy Annabell."

"Lot less than your mate likes Nathan," he said, with another shrug. "And... well, she is kind of funny, you know."

"Shut up about my friend, okay?" I said, realising Potter was mocking her.

"Ah, but she's so besotted, it's obvious and, well," Potter rocked his head back and forth, still grinning. "Don't tell me you don't want to see her seeing Nathan and Annie..."

"I don't- it isn't funny," I said. "She's my friend."

"If it turns out that Nathan and Annie aren't at it, I'll kill you," Potter said, and reached for the doorknob. "Just watch Aria's face."

"She's my _friend_," I repeated weakly.

"Lily, stop trying to stop me opening the door!" Potter yelled, loud enough to alert Black and Aria. "Urgh," he swung round and grinned at Aria. "Hey, I'll grab her arms to stop her grabbing you, and you open it-"

"No..." I said. "Aria-."

Clearly trying to stay serious, even angry- and failing, because he kept making weird barks of laughter, Potter grabbed my wrists and pulled them together, as if I was handcuffed. Aria, despite my half-hearted protests, casually opened the door.

I couldn't see her face straight away, but Potter burst out sniggering so hard that he released my wrists. Aria just stood there, stock-still, gaping at Nathan and Annabell, who were, I realised in horror, very much still at it.

Then Aria swung round, and, perhaps Potter's laughter was contagious or sometimes, but I began to laugh. She just looked so blankly shocked that it was almost impossible not to. For a few seconds, Aria just stood there, goggling at Nathan like he was in a zoo, and Nathan was completely, blissfully oblivious. Annabell, who was facing towards us, might have seen, but she ignored us. Then Nathan seemed to sense that they were being watched, and froze, before slowly turning to face us.

"Oh, hello, Aria, Lily, James, Sirius," he said, rather weakly, his eyes flicking around us before coming to rest on Aria again. "Er, hi."

"_Hel_lo," Aria said. "Nice to see you."

"Er... yeah, nice to see you," Nathan said awkwardly.

I exchanged a glance with Potter, and smiled guiltily.

"Is it so bad that I find Nathan's awkwardness hilarious?" I said.

"Ah, but who wouldn't?" replied Potter.

"They're my friends.." I said.

"Isn't the point of friends that you can laugh at them all the time?"

"No, it isn't," I said, strained. "But, well-."

"Feel the tension," James whispered, in a dreamy, slightly Aria-like voice. "Feeel the tension."

"Potter!" I tried to shout, but had to whisper, meaning it came out as a sort of croak.

Potter sniggered at me, and strutted off to stand behind Aria.

Aria was standing glowering at Nathan, anger beginning to dawn on her face, taking the place of blank shock.

"Well, Nathan," she said, sweeping her hair out of her eyes, obviously trying to remain civil. "Er, I'll just-." And behind her, Potter pouted, dramatically swiped his forehead, and mouthed 'well, Nathan' striking silly girlie poses. Ah, I had to laugh- particularly when Nathan stopped and swallowed, gaping at Potter behind her. Annabell hung on to Nathan's arm, and giggled shrilly.

"You-" words were obviously unable to express her anger as she started towards them.

"Potter," Nathan groaned, half laughing, half despairing. "Stop it."

Potter flounced forwards, hands on hips, and suddenly, I began to laugh.

I hadn't meant to, but as Annabell giggled on Nathan's arm, and he tried desperately to shake her off, discreetly, while trying not to laugh, and talk to Aria, who was simmering with rage. I found that I was laughing hard and loudly, and Aria swung round to look. And saw Potter as well.

She blinked, then, very calmly, walked forward, slapped Nathan, and walked past me, Potter and Black, throwing us disdainful looks.

"Aria!" Nathan said, rubbing his cheek. "Aria!"

"Come on, Naths," Annabell whined, and practically dragged him from the scene.

There was a pause, then I started to snigger again.

"I shouldn't..." I said.

Potter imitated Aria glowering at us, pouting, and I giggled again.

"That was _mean,_" I said. "And Aria looked upset..."

"She'll get over it," Black said. I wasn't convinced.

"Lils, she will," Potter said, seeing my face. "Aria's not nearly as stubborn as you- and you got over hating me, with time, right?"

"Wrong," I said, and I saw Black roll his eyes."Yeah, yeah," Potter dismissed. "You haven't yelled at me in a while."

"Tomato soup," I reminded him.

"Oh yeah," Potter nodded. "But you apologised about that!"

"Umm," I said. "And didn't we make a truce?"

"But you haven't been giving me lessons."

"Love lessons?"

"Shut up, Black! And I don't have time now, I'm need all my spare time for auror training!" I said grumpily.

"You've just spent, what is it, an hour, hanging out with us," Black informed me, checking his watch.

"What?!"

"An hour," Black repeated, and grinned at Potter, who laughed.

"No way," I said, shaking my head, and glancing at my watch which confirmed... that Black was right?

"Will you die?" Black teased. "You spent an hour not studying, you must shrivel up and die!"

I ignored him, and looked down at my watch again. The last hour had been fun, I guess, so time had flown. It had been funny watching Nathan squirm and Aria scowl with Potter, and Potter had been okay- though he had managed to make my best friend furious at me.

"We won't see her again," Potter was saying. "She shall run to the library and pull so many books down they will cascade and kill her." He gave a fake sob. "The down-side of being a geek."

"I'm not a geek!" I said. "And, seeing as you just saw your crush snogging another boy you're surprisingly cheerful, you know," I added.

"Nathan and Anniw aren't going to last a second," Potter said, shaking his head. "Nathan hates her."

"And you would know this how?" I growled.

"He told me, he's bored of her," Potter shrugged. "Nathan often hangs round with me and Padfoot," he said, noticing my surprise.

"I didn't know," I said suspiciously.

"He doesn't parade the fact he's friends with your worst enemy."

"Oh," I said, confused. "Right. Well, I need to go," I gabbled, feeling annoyed and almost betrayed that Nathan hadn't confided in me, when I'd always thought that me and Aria were his best friend.

"To study?" Potter said.

"Maybe," I replied, and turned away sharply so I couldn't see that Potter and Black were smirking... but I knew they were anyway.

I saw Aria and began to hurry over to her, but she saw me as well, and stomped away. I had a glimpse of her face though, and it looked like there were tears pouring down her cheeks... though I couldn't see because of her chunky aquamarine glasses.

As I walked away, it felt like I'd lost two friends.

#######

The real reason I started reading it was because I didn't want to study. Yes, I know, Lily Evans, geek, as Potter had so eloquently put it, didn't want to study. But it seemed pointless. Utterly pointless.

For a start, I had done my N.E. earlier that year, and as I wanted to be an auror, it would be far better to focus on doing sometime that would help me pass the tests.

There were a lot of things, on a normal day, I could have convinced myself were worthwhile in making myself an auror, but I felt strangely deflated. It was just, I told myself, because I was hungry. When you are forcing yourself to diet in an attempt to get fitter, you get hungry.

Obviously, I needed to be careful. I certainly didn't want to end up anorexic, or half-dead due to not having eaten. That very day I had borrowed a book from the library, _the fine witch's guide to staying slim_. Flicking through it, I had the distinct impression that it was prejudice to Muggle-borns or sometime, since it kept saying things like:

_Being witches, you are, of course, not confined to simple dieting. Mudbloods might believe that slimming is simply nibbling salad leaves, like the animal that they are, contaminated with blood of uneducated creatures known as Muggles... _

It was at this that I had very nearly thrown the book to the floor and stomped on it, but I constrained myself. Although there was a never ending torrents of dark hints about Muggles, this had been the first time it had actually been written on the page for my to see: _mudbloods. _I really hated that word. Every time I heard it my stomach twisted painfully, and my ex-best friends face swam into view.

All the same, I couldn't put the book down. I tried to skim passages where the author sneered about Muggles, and anyone with Muggle blood, but my eye would always flick back to them, with horror movie fascination, and read slowly, hurt and angered at every insult... but I wanted to know. Now that I had this book in my bag I couldn't stay sweet and naïve. I had it- and it felt like I had to read it.

More than though, the book had information- valid information. It told me spells that would presumably make me thinner, stronger, prettier. I took account of every slimming or strengthening spell, and repeated under my breathe, and scribbled it onto the list. Sometimes, I would find myself adding other spells, that would make me look beautiful.

Hesitatingly, I turned the page, and read. It contained no snide hints about Muggles, but every time I started a new paragraph my breathe caught in my throat and looked down nervously, wondering if now was when the slagging off of Muggles would begin again.

It was now telling me to limit fat, which wasn't exactly something I didn't know. The simplest way, I thought, was to stick to the Muggle diet idea, but, if I could screw up the courage, use some of these spells as well.

I had eaten an apple today, before training, and one ginger biscuit, which seemed pretty okay. I had planned to go to dinner around now, but I could imagine the Hogwarts food. All fats and treacle and pies- and Aria not talking to me, Nathan, well. I knew that Potter could have been winding me up- but I somehow believed it, that Nathan had been hanging around Potter and Black. Me and Nathan hardly spent any time together without Aria as well, I thought sadly, and since Aria and Nathan were at each other's throats... It made sense. But he could have told me. He could have...

I sighed loudly, and cautiously turned over another page.

_Being beautiful is, of course, an art of which only the purest witch could ever master. It takes more than smothering on layers of lipsticks to do this. Only a muggle, mudblood or one who has magic but abuses their gift, mixing with animals that barely understand them. But over time, mixing with these creatures simplifies their traitors mind, and they lose any beauty, magic or power to me a simple-minded one. So that, witches, is the first step. Stay away from those below you, and remain cold to those unworthy of you. A man who is worth a glance-._

Skip it. Skip it. A twisting angry rage was building up inside me, but I could not wrench my eyes from the book. Every word stung. It was saying that I, a mudblood, no, muggle-born, could not be beautiful or slim. That I understood, though I didn't see why.

**N/A: A lot of people won't like the end, I think, but it's in. And review, please... (pathetic begging commences) please... reviews really mean a lot, and they make me update faster. This is my seventh chapter, I think, and I've had three reviews (thank you, reviewers) and only tw reviewers, which is disappointing. So please review! I'm not going to abandon this story even if I never get another review, favourite or follow, but my updating speed will slow. (pathetic begging finishes).**


	8. She doesn't realise

**A/N: Wow... what happened? I now have 14 reviews! OK, so I'll probably stop nagging now, at least for a bit. Thank you, WhitneyTrey, MissDemigodWizard, Koryandrs, Is A Bell X3, and Peacock33 for reviewing! You are totally amazing! **

"That's not a bad method, you know." What...? I was slumped against a hard cornered, slightly scratchy, though mostly smooth, thing. It smelt musty, and I found myself almost coughing as dust went up my nose. Urgh... slowly, yawning, I opened my eyes. The first thing I saw was the _mudblood_, the word, written in small text, vanishing into a swimming mass of words pressed against my face, hurting my eyes. For a second, I was overcome with excitement, because I wasn't in my dorm, so I must be... on holiday! But blunt reality dawned on my as I studied the mass of small, wriggling black letters. A book. I had fallen asleep with a book for a pillow.

I raised my head slowly, gripping the curved edge of my chair, and immediately I found myself looking at into Potter's hazel eyes. They were sparkling with so much mischief, laughter and looking so intently awake, that I groaned and put my head back on the book again.

"It is quite a restful way of studying, isn't it?" Potter's voice drilled into my mind.

"Go... away..." I moaned.

"Aguamenti," Potter said brightly, and I screamed as a spurt of ice cold water hit me.

"You GIT!" I yelled, shaking my head like a dog, and started to shiver.

"You forgot bullying, arrogant, impossible, disloyal, cowardly toerag," Potter reminded me.

"And immature," I said.

"Oh, and stupid," Potter nodded.

"Irritating, too."

"Irritating?" Potter sounded appalled. "Lils, you're losing your touch. Seeing as I live to irritate you, that's not cutting at all!"

I laughed.

"Anyhow," Potter said briskly. "I must say I'm impressed. So does it work, sleeping on a care of magical creatures book? Probably not, since you got bitten by a floberworm, but nice method anyhow."

"I wasn't bitten by a flobberworm, they don't have teeth!" I snapped. "And I didn't mean to fall asleep or anything, I was just reading, and thinking, and then well-."

"You fell asleep," Potter finished. "But, Lily." Suddenly his face was anxious and serious. "That isn't good, Lily. Falling asleep in the middle of studying."

"Yes, I know," I said, annoyed by his tone. Of course it wasn't good, I'd lost loads of study time, and that, well, it threw my whole routine of balance, really. Besides, I hoped Potter didn't spread this, because it would probably be considered hilarious that the bookworm would fall asleep working.

"I think you should take a break," Potter said. "You spend to much time working, Lily. It'll be Christmas in four days! It won't-." "Your back to me being a bore, aren't you?" I said crisply, though it hurt all the same. "Well, I'll be a bore, Christmas or not."

"I didn't mean like that," Potter said dutifully. "I mean-."

"Yes?"

"You're cracking up," Potter said bluntly, ignoring my gasp of anger. "Seriously, you're snapping at everyone, missing meals, studying non-stop, falling asleep of random-."

"If I wanted your opinion," I said roughly. "I would have asked for it. I'm fine!"

"You're cracking up," Potter repeated stubbornly. "Lily, I'm worried about you."

"Don't be," I said. "I don't care."

Potter frowned down at me, then pulled out one of the varnished wooden chairs, and sat down. I put both hands on the table, and glared earnestly at him, mentally preparing a speech, to make him stop worrying about me... and bog off. However, I never even got past clearing my throat, because Potter's eyes had wondered to the list of spells I'd written earlier, and he had picked up the list before I had time to hastily turn it over.

"Lily... what are these for?" he said slowly, running a finger over the spells, eyebrows knitted together.

"Homework!" I blurted out. "Er, I'm doing a project on-."

I trailed off, following his gaze, and sighed.

"_Being beautiful is, of course, an art of which only the purest witch could ever master. It takes more than smothering on layers of lipsticks to do this, as mudbloods do believe,"_ Potter read out. "What the hell, Lily?"

Scowling, I slammed the book shut but the damage was done. Potter was looking at me like he'd never seen me before.

"Why are you reading that... book?" Potter asked, spitting out the last word in disgust. "It's horrible. Mudblood..." he repeated, like he's never heard the word before, when I knew for fact he had. "How can you? It's calling you a mudblood, Lily, and you're just calmly reading it?" Potter's voice rose to a squeak, so unlike his normal gruff, teasing tones.

"It's- well, I know it's a bit prejudiced," I began shrilly.

"A bit?" Potter repeated. "Lily- this, this, it's, urgh, disgusting... I'm surprised that it's allowed in the library, unless you got it from somewhere else?" he asked suddenly.

"No, I didn't," I said truthfully. "It was in the restricted section though, but McGonagall gave me a pass for all books, since I'm Head Girl, and need to see things like this, for my auror course."

Potter shook his head, breathing heavily. "You don't need it, Lily," he said, looking at me intently. "You don't need to slim or anything. You're beautiful already, Lily."

I squirmed slightly at his intensity and looked away. In the back of my head, I couldn't help thinking that it must be an act, because Potter couldn't really think I was so beautiful, if he fancied Annabell, if he had given up on me.

"I just need to be fitter," I told him. "For auror training."

Potter let out a long breathe. "Auror training," he muttered.

"What about it?"

Potter shook his head again. "It's draining you, you're obsessed," he said bluntly. "I don't like it, and this book, Lily, I'm scared for you."

"You don't have to be," I told him harshly. "Go and flirt with Annabell Jones, since I'm such a bore!"

"I don't like Annabell," Potter said quickly, and I raised an eyebrow. "I never did."

"Really?" I said, scepticism ingrained in my voice. "Changed your mind a bit, haven't you?"

"It was a ploy," he said sadly. "I was just trying to make another girl jealous."

There's something about the sombre way he said it that makes me glanced sharply up into his face, and believe him.

"Who?" I said curiously.

Our eyes met, before he looked away again, staring almost bitterly at the floor, his shoulders slumped, his eyes flickering across the room.

"I won't tell her," I said brightly. I wanted to know, though I didn't know why I cared about Potter. It somehow annoyed me that he's come hurrying to me, so I could make a girl fall for him, when he only wanted her to parade her in front of... who? "Does.. she already have a boyfriend or something?" I asked cautiously.

"She just has no idea," he said, looking up again. "She has no idea what I feel for her."

I swallowed, and opened my mouth, to try and say, 'me?', but I can't. If I'm running away with the wrong idea, Potter might think that I actually like him back...

"I'm scared for her, and I want to help, but she seems to hate me," Potter said, and I swallowed again. "I don't know what to do."

"Maybe- maybe she doesn't feel... the same," I suggested gingerly. "What if- this girl- she just ants you to leave her alone?"

Potter jumped up, knocking a bottle of ink to the fall, which broke spreading black ink over the carpet, but both me and Poter didn't glance at it.

"But I'll still love her," he said ferociously. "She doesn't realise, but I will."

Then, Potter pushed back his chair and half-ran away, pushing the door shut behind him.

Maybe... maybe I was just realising it now.

**A/N: Very short chapter, sorry, but I wanted to put something up today... I can't get over the fact that I got 11 after posting one chapter! Thank you again for reviewing, reviewers (:**


	9. Annabell eavesdropping

I had wanted Potter to avoid me for years, really. Years. And now, he finally was. But there was no joy, no smiles, no triumphant whispers to Aria and Nathan that I had managed to make Potter leave me alone. I just felt so... empty.

Aria didn't slump down beside me to chat, Potter didn't appear and crack jokes, winding me up- for about three hour, nobody came up to speak to me, apart from bright, bubbling librarian who bade me merry Christmas and asked if I wanted to borrow that book, but I shook my head immediately, not wanting her to see it.

I spread various assignments across my table, to give the impression that I was studying hard, before returning to _the fine witch's guide to staying slim _again. Then I sat, and watched the second hand of the library clock tick steadily, round and round.

Nathan came though, after a while, and I was really grateful.

"Lily, you studying again?" he said jovially, and I shoved the book under an essay, learning from my previous mistake.

"Yes," I said, grabbing a tranfiguration book and waving around for a few second, to reinforce my point. "Yes, I am."

"Cake?" Nathan offered, producing two slices of a sticky sponge.

I glanced sharply towards the librarian but she was busy chatting with a small ravenclaw boy.

"She won't see, and anyway, it Christmas, she won't throw us out," Nathan told me lightly, noticing my look, and tossing a slice into my hand.

"Er... thank you," I said awkwardly. "Thank you, but all the same-."

"I figured you'd be hungry, 'cos I haven't seen you at meals all day, " Nathan said, looking concerned, obviously expecting an explanation. When I didn't reply, he shrugged and said brightly, "so I guessed you'd like something to eat, to fuel you for your studying, right?"

"R-right," I said, my voice wobbling, and I desperately wiped away tears welling in my eyes. "Thanks, Nathan."

He had noticed that I hadn't been at meals all day, and he had, like a true friend, spend the time and energy getting this cake, remembering to offer me a slice- well, most likely he nicked it from the Great Hall, but he remembered... And a few minutes earlier, I had been secretly cross with him for hanging out with Potter and Black. It was a kind gesture, but I didn't want it, and I had to turn him down.

"It's snowing, you know," he was saying brightly. "Not very much now- but in a few hours, they'll be snow on the ground, mark my word."

"Yes," I said politely, and lifted the cake to my mouth. It smelt sugary, the sort of smell that made bile rise in my throat. I quickly put it down again.

"Wrong flavour?" Nathan said, beginning to munch on his.

"Oh.. yeah," I said, even though I knew that I wouldn't touch any cake.

"If you go to the hall soon, you might still be able to snap up another flavour," Nathan said cheerfully. "But, wait, Lily, do you know where 'herbs for a herbalist is?', you know the library really well..."

"Yeah, over there in the herbology section," I told him, and while Nathan was scanning the shelves, I moved quickly and quietly over to the bin. For a moment, I hovered there, the cake held between finger and thumb, a pang of hunger radiating through me, then I let it slip and vanish into the bin. I was glad, I couldn't eat it now. The terrifying thing is that, for a split-second, I wanted nothing more than to shove the sweet treat into my mouth, auror training or not... and I couldn't. I wanted, needed, to become fitter.

"Here it is!"

I turned round, to find Nathan grinning at me, holding up a lime green book, with a wriggling picture of what looked like green worms on the cover.

"Cool," I said.

"Hey..." Nathan looked reproachfully at the bin. "You needn't have chucked that, you know, if you didn't like it, I could have had it."

"Sorry," I said.

"All right," Nathan shrugged, and plonked back down beside me again. "So, how's life?"

"Er, all right," I said. Only, let's see, Aria hated me, Potter might really like me and I didn't know what to do, I need to get fitter, quickly, and the pressure from the auror course was mounting. And Nathan apparently trusted me less than Potter. "Nathan, why did you tell Potter and Black?" I blurted out. "About you not exactly caring for Annabell."

"God, _her_," Nathan groaned. "Lily, what am I supposed to do?"

"Well, if you don't like her, dump her," I said smartly.

"That's why I went to James and Sirius," Nathan said. "They've both dumped plenty of girls, so I wondered if they could help me- but they made it sound like a total breeze, and it isn't!"

"Oh," I said, relieved by the simple explanation. "So, if it had been anything else, you'd have gone to me or Aria?"

"Yeah, though it's hard discussing girls with a girl," Nathan said. "But it might have it's merits. Lily.. save me!" he finished dramatically.

I sniggered slightly, and Nathan looked offended.

"Well, if you're just going to laugh..." he said, mock-hurt.

"It's funny," I said, grinning. "So how do you want me to 'save' you?"

"Just tell me," Nathan said. "How to get rid of Annabell, please!"

"Haven't you tried dumping her?"

"Yes!"

"But you're still together."

"Yes!"

"So how did you, er, try to dump her?" I probed.

"I said," Nathan swept his brown hair out of his eyes, and cleared his throat, "'I really like you as I friend, Annabell, but I'm afraid I only like you as a friend,' or something like that. I got it from a romance lovey-dovey novel. Actually the boy who said it ended up deciding he did love the girl after all, so I was kind of dubious about using it, since no way on earth do I want to get back with Annabell again, but I didn't dare look at another love story, in case someone saw, or my mind exploded, or something... But in the middle of my line, she giggling and started snogging me!" he cried, indignant. "Urgh...girls."

"I'm a girl," I reminded him.

"Oh, yes, you are," Nathan said. "But you don't wear make-up, or anything scary like that! It's the ones who do, who are crazy,and scary! I tried to talk to Black about it but he said he liked it when they started snogging. Meant he didn't have to think of a pick-up line before getting to snog them."

"Girls aren't just dolls, you know," I said, half irritated, half amused.

"I know," Nathan despaired. "Though girls like Annabell, urgh, they're more like aliens. I can't get rid of her!"

"That's how I used to feel when Potter was stalking me," I grinned- then stopped abruptly realising I had unconsciously used past tense.

"I feel pity for you," Nathan said. "But Annabell, she's so- she really likes me, but I can't stand her, I just can't _stand_ her!"

As his voice rose, there was clunk, and Lily saw a large hardback clatter to the floor, and she had a glimpse of a blonde girl charging past them, tears streaking down her cheeks.

"Ah," Nathan said, looking awkward. "Now-."

"Well, I think you'll be all right, now," I said, blinking.

"Do you think she'll be all upset?" he asked nervously. "I didn't mean her to hear..."

"Of course she'll be upset, she just heard her boyfriend saying he couldn't stand her!" I snapped.

"Oh," Nathan looked slightly guilty. "What should I do?" he asked blankly.

I sighed. "Leave it to me, Nathan," I told him, and hurriedly shoved back my books and papers into my bag, taking special care not to let Nathan see either the book or my list of spells, and glanced quickly around.

"Sorry," Nathan said, as I slung my bag over my shoulder, and I turned to look at him.

"For what?"

"Er, making you have to go after Annabell," he said. "And, you seem to be pretty busy-."

"Forget it," I told him harshly. "We're friends, aren't we?"

"Best friends," Nathan agreed, grinning.

"Forever," I finished, with a smile. "Me and you and Aria."

"Ah," the grin slid of Nathan's face. "She really, really hates me," he said. "I've tried apologising, in fact, I was following her for about an hour, begging, but she won't back down."

"She seems to hate me too," I said.

"Um.. yeah," Nathan said. "I've never seen her quite this mad."

I raised an eyebrow. As far as I could see, Aria was mad, but not really madder than she'd been before. "Okay," I said. "Well, I need to find Annabell, so bye."

"You sure that it wouldn't be best if I came too, since it is really my fault," Nathan offered, but I shook my head.

"Nah, this is a girl thing," I said. "Like you hanging round the marauders if a boy thing, I guess."

"Fine, then," Nathan said. "But you and Ari-." he seemed to droop for a second when he said her name, as if it was slightly painful. "-are my best friends, really. Normally, anyway, you know." I heard the nostalgics tone, but I smiled slightly- he had read my mind.

"Well, bye," I said.

########################

It was remarkably easy to find Annabell. She was crumpled in a heap, making wailing noises; a scruffy brown-haired Hufflepuff girl was sitting, knees folded up beside her, murmuring a low, comforting monologue. I approached cautiously, but the moment Kirsten, the Hufflepuff saw, she leapt to her feet and came stomping over.

"You," she spat out, hands on hips.

"I wanted to say sorry to Anna-," I started to say, but Kirsten made an angry, disbelieving voice.

"Coming to apologise, are you?" she snapped. "Well, you certainly own her one, but we don't particularly want to see your ugly face around! Go!"

I hesitated. Since Annabell wasn't alone and clearly didn't want to see me, the best thing might just be to go, but I felt I wanted to stay to my promise, to try and clear Nathan's name. A bit, at least.

"Nathan liked Annabell very much," I pressed on.

Kirsten glanced round quickly, and lowered her voice to a hiss, "didn't sound like that."

"As a friend," I said. "But they just didn't have chemistry as a couple. Sorry-." "You're not helping," Kirsten hissed, like an angry goose. "Can you and your boyfriend just leave her alone?!"

When I just gaped at her, she swung back her hand and slapped me, hard.

"Ouch!" I cried. "That hurt!"

"You can really talk as you stomp round slapping people, non-stop," Kirsten snapped, though she still kept her voice to a whisper. "I don't want you or your boyfriend anywhere near Annabell till the holidays are over, okay?"

"Nathan is not my boyfriend," I said blankly. "No way."

"He didn't cheat on Anna with you?" Kirsten said, sounding interested, though suspicious.

"No," I said. "Honestly, we're just friends."

"Really?"

"Yes," I confirmed, irritated. "Me and Nathan... no, just no."

"Right..." Kirsten said, after a moment. "Well, at least he didn't cheat on her. Did he?"

"No."

"Good, but still," Kirsten said. "Get away."

"Just tell her that it was all a mistake, and he's sorry," I said doggedly, before turning on my heel, and stomping off.

####################

I had been planning on heading into an empty room, and maybe, just maybe, trying one of the spells from the book, or exercising- but I had only walked a few paces, when McGonagall appeared by my side, one hand on my shoulder.

Her hair was greying and tied back into a tight bun, which showed the lines on her face. She looked older and more worried than ever, and her dark green robes were flying lightly loose, but when she saw me her severe frown was replaced with a quick, forced smile.

"Lily Evans," she said, her voice strained. "A word? In my office?"

"Er, yeah, yes, of course, Professor," I said, surprised, and she caught my hand and steered me silently to her office. "You're not in trouble," she said, and I nodded, though I knew I wouldn't be.

Once the door had slid shut, she gestured towards a chair, and I sat down, curious.

"Chocolate?" she said tersely, pushing a small box of chocolate creams towards me. I drew back, instinctively. Why was everyone trying to give me junk food today? I didn't want it. It was fattening, sticky, horrible- I simply couldn't.

"No thank you," I said.

"I insist," she said.

I determinedly shook my head, plastering a fake smile on my face and said, "what did you want me for, Professor?"

She pulled back the chocolates, and shut the box lid with a snap. "I wanted to talk to you," she said, shuffling through a filing cabinet and sliding the box in there. "About a visit Mr. Potter paid me earlier this day."

"Mr. Potter?" I echoed, staring at her. What the hell had Potter said to McGonagall, to make her take him seriously- and come to find me?

"Yes, Mr. Potter," McGonagall said. "He told me that he was, ah, worried about you."

I gaped at her. Something very powerful seemed to have exploded in my stomach.

Shock. Pure, utter, truthful shock. Seeing as Potter was one of the worst mischief makers in the school- he and his gang even called themselves 'marauders'- he had no right at all to go snitching to McGonagall. Besides, when was Potter ever worried? He breezed through life, hands stuck in his pockets, laughing, whether it was appropriate or not.

But he hadn't laughed earlier. When he had seen that book, he'd looked confused, angry, even hurt. I could tell that he cared. About me. Me. That felt good.

Fright. McGonagall couldn't know! She might decide that I shouldn't go to the auror course any more, and I had to! Stupid Potter, it would be hard to lie out of this.

And if I was going to lie I probably shouldn't look so shocked, and angry. I needed to lie.

"Worried?" I said, creasing up my forehead. "Er... why? Professor," I added. I might be acting but I needed to add in all the common politeness, like I always did.

"He said he'd found you asleep on a book," McGonagall said.

"Asleep on a book?" I repeated, trying to draw it out to sound confused. "Er, yes, sometimes I have done that, but so what? I don't think I have recently though... and if I did, Potter ought to have woken my up!" I said, feinting anger. That, I thought, was pretty good. I was going to have to insult Potter to do this, there was no other way. Since he'd been so... well, alright in the last few days, it seemed so horrid to insult him behind his back, but he is the reason I'm in this mess. Even so, I felt terrible lying- and attacking Potter. I always prided myself on honesty, and straight-forwardness, I didn't let people bitch about others behind their back- and now I was. Hyprocrite. Fat, ugly, boring hyprocrite. I had to, though, I had to.

"I see," McGonagall said. "Well, I'm afraid that Potter was pulling both of our legs-."

Yes!

"-For the record, he said that the book in question had clearly been one of dark arts, dark spells that would harm the user but supposedly make them 'beautiful'-."

They weren't dark, really. The text was a bit prejudiced but, well, the spells weren't dark.

"-and when he woke you, he said you refused to acknowledge the book was dark, and said you needed to become fitter." She sniffed. "He clearly thinks it's funny to make out that their fellow Head is anorexic."

"Anorexic?" I said, horrified.

"It's a mental illness," McGonagall said. "Where, normally girls, believe that they are fat when in fact, they're starving themselves... to death."

######################

"Potter! Get over here! NOW!"

Potter was strolling along, laughing with Black, when he heard me. Grimacing, he turned round, cupping his hand above his glasses to block out the wintry sun.

"Lily," he acknowledged dryly. "Great to see you."

"I can't _believe_ you did that!" I shouted at him. "I'm not anorexic, Potter, okay?"

"That, Lily, is the perfect way to inform the whole rumour system of the school that you are anorexic," Potter said.

I looked quickly around, and shrugged. "No one listening," I said, but lowered my voice even so. "But, why did you do that, Potter?"

"Why?" Potter repeated, incredulous. "It was the only responsible thing to do!"

"Since when, Prongs, have you been responsible?" Black laughed.

"When I need to help Lily," he said, glowering.

"Uh hem," I said loudly. "I don't need to be looked after! I'm Head Girl, and before that, I was prefect- unlike you, who risk your life like every month!"

"How-?" Potter and Black started to say, the stopped.

"What?" I said, suspicious. "You do. Or should I say every week?"

They both breathed sighs of relief, and I stared at them, confused. "What?"

"Nothing," they said cheerfully. I rolled my eyes. Like I cared to know what they were doing anyhow. Let them have their secrets.

"So," I said. "Get it into your head, I am not anorexic."

"Lils, even Minne agrees with me," Potter said seriously. "She hadn't noticed but when I told her, she remembered that you hadn't been at meals- and she saw you refusing her sweets. When she summoned me, she didn't even give me detention, just said that you were denying-."

"Haven't been at meals?" I said. "I have... I-."

"Not for two days, I've been watching," Potter said. Black wolf-whistled, but I ignored him.

"Don't then!" I snapped. "Stop watching me! Go and snog Annabell Jones instead!"

"I told you," Potter said, through gritted teeth. "I only said I liked Annabell to make you jealous. I wish I hadn't now; it was a split-second idea-."

"Of course you like Annabell," I said relentlessly, cold anger in every word. "You told me you loved her!"

Black sniggered.

"Yeah," Potter said sarcastically. "I love Annabell. She's so intelligent, and I just love the way that she isn't even the smallest bit slutty-."

"You can talk," I whispered, under my breath.

"-she be such a challenge for me, but I'd be willing to take it, because Annabell is the one and only girl I could ever feel like that for. She so beautiful-."

"I think you're really handsome, too," a voice said, and Lily turned round to Annabell Jones smiling brightly out at them. Her eyes were red from crying, but there was a small smile on her face.

"Annabell," Potter said blankly.

"It's all right," she said. "You don't have to hind it. I... really like you too, James!"

"Er, I was being sarcas-," Potter started to say. Sirius had backed away and was doubled up, sniggering.

"It's okay!" Annabell trilled. "Honestly... you don't have to hide it, James, I, er, love you too."

"Annabe-."

The said girl laughed loudly, rubbed her eyes, and rushed forward.

Potter took a nervous step back, throwing me a terrified glance. Annabell saw, and for a second she paused, looked apprehensive; then Potter looked back at her. She smiled again, and kissed him on the lips.

Potter wasn't smiling, though. Don't know why.

**N/A: Review?**


	10. Potter's anger

"Look, Lily, are you okay?"

"Yes! Why does everyone think- _Annabell!_"

I'd been so immersed in doing stretches, that I hadn't bothered to see who'd come to interrupt me. Blinking, I stopped exercising, and stared at her. Why would Annabell Jones ask me if I was okay? For a moment, I wondered if Potter had told her about me supposedly being anorexic... but he wouldn't. Not to Annabell.

"What do you want?" I asked sharply.

"Look," she said, impatiently. "I wanted to ask, you're okay with me being with James, aren't you?"

"He doesn't like you," I said spitefully, unable to stop the words pouring from my mouth. "He thinks you're a stupid slut, and he wouldn't go out with you in a million years. Get over him."

A smirk crossed Annabell's face, and I felt a rush of annoyance. "What?"

"Potter doesn't like me?" she questioned, still smirking slightly.

"No," I snapped.

"Okay, good," she replied.

"Didn't you understand me?" I said, slowly, starting to spell it out. "Potter doesn't give a damn about you."

"And ditto me him," Annabell said brightly, and laughed when she saw my shocked face. "I figured Nathan might look at me again if he saw me with someone else. Well, it could work!" she said defensively, seeing my expression.

"Annabell..." I groaned. "Nathan doesn't, well, the thing is, I don't think..." I trailed off, unable to bring myself to crush the blonde in front of me.

"Okay, so not yet," Annabell shrugged. "But he could-."

"Maybe," I said, staring at her. I'd known Annabell for six years, and I'd always considered her a giggling, girlish waste of space, who's only purpose in life was too faff about blushing when I boy came near. Falling in love and out of it in a day, yeah, I really could believe that Annabell would do that- and having no idea when a boy liked her and when one didn't. But here she was, bluntly telling me she knew that Potter didn't like her- and saying that she didn't like a boy.

"You don't have to treat me like a bomb which is about to go off," Annabell huffed. "Nathan will fall for me, some day! It just takes work."

"I dunno," I said. "What do you like about Nathan anyway?"

Annabell threw me a split-second, blink and you'll miss it, smile. "You sure you want to say that? My answer might take a few hours."

I laughed. "Actually, don't," I replied, but I couldn't help wondering. Nathan had brown hair and brown eyes, a dorky grin, and a pretty much complete lack of experience with girls. Compared to Potter, with his messy black hair, smirk and cheek flirting, even though I didn't care for Potter myself, I could more understand why a girl like Annabell would go for Potter.

Then again, Annabell wasn't as dumb as I thought.

"And what do you like about Potter?" Annabell asked sweetly, and laughed as I spluttered.

"That isn't funny," I scowled. "I don't like Potter!"

"Well, that was what I came to talk to you about, really," Annabell said, picking a lipstick out of her bag and starting to apply it. "You don't mind me going the whole way with Potter, then, as you don't-."

"You- what- oh!" I spluttered, and went red as Annabell laughed.

"No way," she told me fiercely. "Don't worry."

"I wasn't... just surprised," I muttered.

Annabell laughed to herself for a few more seconds, and flicked open a mirror. "You really don't have to look like that, I wouldn't lose my virginity to James Potter, in a million years," she commented, and patted her hair.

I was silent for a second, in case this was another wind-up, then said, with a fake casual smile, "you a virgin?"

Annabell stopped turning the mirror back and forth, and look straight at me. "Yes, Lily, I am," she said, in a surprisingly hard voice. "What about it?"

"Nothing, nothing," I dismissed.

"I wouldn't lose my virginity to anyone like James," she said, looking sharply up at me. "I don't want to end up pregnant or something, not before I've graduated. Well, Nathan-."

"Okay, right, good," I said quickly, but I couldn't help staring at her. She had an obvious amount of make-up on, a dark red skirt, and a skirt so short she had so carefully arrange it every time she sat down. Girls like Annabell weren't virgins- I knew for a fact that her friend, Kirsten wasn't- or at least that was what I thought. Shows what I knew.

"You coming down to lunch or anything?" Annabell interrupted my thought. She pulled out her beaded black bag and slid the mirror into it. She was looking at my expectedly, obviously assuming I would want to come down with her.

"Well, you see," I hesitated. Perhaps, I could tell Annabell. I had hardly ever spoken to her, but I didn't think she would start sprouting lies about me being anorexic, in fact, since she was such a... girly-girl, she might just understand. "I'm dieting. I need to be fitter for my auror course, so I don't really want to, you know. Er, eat."

Annabell swung round, her blonde hair whipping through the air. "Lily!" she squealed. "You're as thin as a pin! You don't need to diet! Honestly- besides, dieting isn't just not eating, just not eating fat!"

I'm suddenly annoyed. What was I thinking telling her? She didn't understand.

I tone out as Annabell delivered me a loud, high-pitched lecture, but her words keep echoing around my mind... _You're as thin as a pin!_ Any other day I might have taken her word for it, but just minutes earlier, she pulled my leg. Lied, for a quick joke, about her wanting to have sex with Potter... and it could so easily be the same thing. The more I think about the more I realise that her bright, energetic speech is a joke.

_You don't need to diet._

The first time, I fell for the joke. This time, I don't.

I look straight into her glowing, earnest face, and I can't help noticing that she's curved, that her face is rounded. And then I understand it all perfectly.

"What's the matter?" I said quietly, and she stopped immediately, grinning at me. "Jealous because I've got the self-control to diet?" I asked, and watched, stony-faced as the grin vanishes. "Jealous because I'm thin, are you?"

"What the-?" Annabell spluttered. "No, I'm not!"

I stand up quickly, and Annabell jumps up too, but I turn and walk hurriedly away.

################

I wrapped my knuckles against the door, again. There's a murmur of voices from insides, and I wondered whether I should just come back later- but it's only five minutes till I supposed to be at my auror course, so I knocked again, and this time I hear McGonagall say tersely, "come in."

I come in- and stop, glowering at the messy-haired boy lolling against a wall. "What are you doing here?" I asked, and went to stand by a old potions bottle on McGonagall's desk.

"Nothing, nothing," Potter trilled, and flicked his finger against his badge, and a metallic ring echoed around the room.

"Right," I said, in a very strained voice. "Professor, may I take my portkey?"

"It'll leave in a few minutes," McGonagall snapped, and I nodded. A few minutes with Potter smirking at me- and it seemed, McGonagall questioning me. "Are you okay?" she asked, her voice softening.

"I'm fine!" I said, and I noticed her sigh slightly- and then I knew what Potter had been doing. Spilling more, more, tales of how I was anorexic! The interfering git!

McGonagall turned away again, studying sometime on her desk, and, without thinking, my hand slid into my pocket, and I gingerly fingered my wand. Then my hand tightened round it, and I drew it with a flourish. Potter's eyes widened, and he opened his mouth,but not before I'd pointed my wand at McGonagall's back, and whispered, "stupify."

It was completely cowardly to do attack when the enemy's back was turned (though McGonagall wasn't really an enemy...) but it was the only way. She was a teacher- in a duel, I would be on the floor in seconds!

She twitched slightly as she heard the spell, but before her wand had been drawn, the burst of red light hit her, and she fell back, stunned.

"Holy crap, Lily," Potter said, running one hand through his hair.

"What did you tell her?" I said angrily, striding across the room.

"I- you know, I could have been there as Head Boy," Potter said.

I rolled my eyes, and looked straight at him. "What did you say?" I repeated. There was a steely quality to my voice that made Potter swallow nervously.

"If you must know," Potter said slowly. "I was telling her that- that you weren't at breakfast. That was it!"

"Right!" I said fiercely, walking towards him so I inches from him. "Never go snitching to anyone again, do you understand, Potter? Do you understand?!" I almost yelled, grabbing his shoulders and giving him a sharp shake.

Potter gulped. "Snitching?" he repeated. "So you admit- ouch!"

I hadn't really registered what I had been doing, but in a fit of anger, I'd punched him. His nose was bleeding, and from the crunch, it could have been broken.

"Lily!" he shouted. "How dare you!"

"I dare, because you're a-," I started to say, but Potter grabbed me, and shoved me roughly onto the sofa.

"Stop overreacting," he said, his voice shaking with anger. "I tried to help you, I was fucking scared for you, Lily Evans, because you're killing yourself- and you throw a temper tantrum!"

I tried to speak, but for once in my life, I was utterly and completely lost for words. Potter stood over me, his hazel eyes flashing- and I was very aware that we were pretty much alone, save for McGonagall lying stunned at his feet. Potter wouldn't hurt me though, he wasn't like that.

"You're pathetic!" he went on, unrelenting. "You think that the whole world can revolve round you- and if there's someone you don't like, you'll just start screaming and shouting like a toddler. And you know what, Evans, I don't know why I fell for you, because Annabell Jones doesn't think she can attack anyone who gets in her way!"

Ouch. Harsh.

"Well, y-you're arrogant, Potter..." I started to say in a quavering voice, but trailed off half-heartedly.

"Grow up, Lily," Potter said coolly. "Grow up."

And I found there were tears stinging in my eyes.

"You shouldn't have told McGonagall," I said, rubbing my eyes. I wanted to get up so I'd be on the same height as him, but my legs had turned to jelly, and I could only sink deeper into the sofa.

"May-maybe it wasn't the best idea ever," Potter said, shrugging. "But you're killing yourself. I've been reading up on anorexia... I had to tell someone."

"I'm not killing myself," I said, and dragged myself to my feet again. "That's an exaggeration... but I just want to say, Potter, that- that-." I hesitated, Potter's angry speech ringing through my mind. "I did overreact, and, yeah, I'm sorry."

Potter gave a brief nod. "Apology accepted," he said, smirking.

I gave him a watery smile, and Potter returned it- and gasped.

"Lily, you're portkey's glowing," he blurted. The bottle had turned a bright lucid yellow, and I started towards it. Potter picked it quickly up, and swung his arm lightly through the air as if to toss it to me, but I stumbled in my haste. My arm hit the portkey, and I felt a sharp joint in my stomach, a whirl of darkness, then I found myself sprawled on the floor, by the register-wizard's table- Potter at my side.


	11. Dementors

"Potter!" I groaned. "Why did you keep hold of that portkey!"

"I didn't mean to, Lily!" Potter yelled. "I tried to pass it to you, but you grabbed it-."

"Uh hem."

"So it's my fault, is it?" I snapped. "Thanks a lot, Potter!"

"Yes, it is, if it wasn't for me, you'd have missed the portkey all together! And it's James!"

"Uh hem!"

"What do you mean, 'it's James'?"

"That's my name: James! Stop calling me Potter!"

"James is your first name! Only friends call you James! I'm not a friend!"

"UH HEM!"

I jumped like a startled rabbit, and scrambled to my feet. Potter, however, glanced up at the receptionist, with a smirk, and settled himself sprawled at my feet.

"You do know," he said pleasantly. "That when you do that fake coughing thing, you shouldn't try to shout it. You could lose your voice like that, plus it sounds stupid."

I slapped my hand over my mouth, to stifle my laughter- but my muffled giggles only seemed to anger the receptionist yet more.

"Get up!" he growled, grabbing a plastic pink ruler, and prodding it threateningly at Potter. "UP!"

"Nice ruler," Potter said, raised a hand and plucked it from the receptionist's grip. "Mind if I keep it? My little sis would love it."

The receptionist glanced sharply down at the ruler, and he gasped. In one second, it had turned pink- then a dark magenta- then a lurid yellow- before settling on a pasty white. "You- you-," he spluttered, and ran his hand over the desk, searching for his wand. Potter lazily got to his feet, pulled a long, brittle wand from under a wobbling pile of paper. The papers seemed to hover in mid air for a second, before both gravity and the receptionist had time to register what was going to happen. Then he lunged, madly over his desk, and gravity swung in balance, before the papers cascaded from their perfect piles onto the floor.

"ARRRGGGHH!" he yelled, sounding more like a tiger than a human. Potter gave me a wide-eyed grin, and flicked his wand at the papers.

"Wingardium levosa!" he said smartly, and the papers shot like a bullet into the air, before raining down across the room. "Let's play catch!" Potter cried, and I stood stock-still, torn between hysterical laughter and disapproval.

Disapproval won. "You shouldn't be so immature, Potter," I said, though I'm sure my lips was quivering, and as I said his name I sniggered slightly. When Potter just smiled, I raised my own wand, and the papers zoomed straight back into place. "Er, sorry about that," I said awkwardly to the receptionist, who was sitting, panting in his seat now, cheeks flushed with a very ugly look on his face. I can't honestly say I blame him. "Right, I need to go, now," I said hastily, stuffing my wand back into my pocket, and exiting the scene as quickly as possible... or starting to.

"You give back my wand right NOW!"

"Hey, Lils, want it?" Potter called, and I turned to look at him. Our eyes meet for a second, and something very uncomfortable squirms inside me. I'm suddenly aware that those hazel eyes are sparkling behind his glasses and that they're the most amazing colour- like hazel sprinkled with flecks of green and light.

Something hit me against the chest, and I grabbed wildly at it, before realising it was the wand, and hesitating guiltily.

"Give it now, or I'll report you," the receptionist threatened.

"Nah, I'll keep it as a souvenir." The words burst from my mouth, and I looked around for a second, wondering who had spoken- but Potter was staring at me with unflattering disbelief, and the receptionist looked madder than ever. "Er... I have to go," I muttered, horrified at myself, flung the wand towards him, and ran for it.

"I can't believe I said that," I moaned, as I slid to a stop, outside the hall. "And, you, Potter! What is it about you and bullying?" I scolded, but since I had joined it, my voice lacked any conviction.

"So what are we going to do in the auror training thing?" Potter said brightly.

"You're not coming in!" I said, turning round. "You'll just have to, er, wait outside, for the returning portkey..."  
"I'll floo," Potter said brightly.

"I don't be stupid," I muttered absent-mindedly. "You can't floo in or out of here, there's ministry restrictions..."

"Well, I'll take your portkey then," Potter said. "I hope McGonagall will still be stunned, though..."

"What? No," I said hurriedly. "You can't go back, you'll probably-."

"I can't go back, I can't go in," Potter shook his head despairingly. "What should I do?"  
"Just wait outside!" I told him, but the battle was already lost. "Oh, _fine!_" I said, as he opened his mouth. "You can come into the hall- just to watch, though!"

"Just to watch," Potter agreed, smirking, and started to push open the door.

"No!" I cried. "I'll go in first, you come after, and look meek, won't you?" I added, almost begging.

Potter didn't reply but his smirk grew still further, and I wondered whether he'd ever looked meek in his life. Taking a deep breath, I rested my hand against the copper doorknob, and slowly pushed it open.

The group had already formed a circle, and Moody was growling at them.

"Sorry I'm late," I muttered and hurried to join the circle. All eyes had flicked to Potter, however, who's smirk was wider than ever, and had swaggered inside, hands in pockets. "Ah, yes," I cleared my throat nervously at gestured towards him. "This is James Potter, er, due to an unfortunate accident, he is stranded here, and, um-."

"It's all arranged," Potter said, messing up his hair. I saw one girl blush slightly and exchange looks with her partner. Bloody Potter. "I'll join you in this training session, yeah? I've always wanted to be an auror."

Moody fixed both eyes on him, but Potter didn't look the slightest freaked. "That's all right, isn't it?" he asked, and strutted into the circle, without waiting for an answer. Urgh!

"You want to be an auror?" I hissed, as he winked jauntily at the blushing blonde girl, who gave a gulp, and went a dark red. "You! Yeah, right!"

"Lily, I'm offended," Potter said earnestly, rumpling up his hair again. "I'd very much enjoy-."

"You wouldn't be able to work hard enough at it," I dismissed.

Potter shrugged, and turned his grin on Moody, who limped over.

"Very well," he growled- and my mouth dropped open. Why did everyone like Potter? Why?

"Thank you, Moody," he said. I wondered how he knew his name. Urgh... this training session would probably be ruined, having Potter smirking all the time at my side.

"New spell!" Moody barked. "Expecto patronum!"

"Is that the patronus spell?" a boy I knew to be called Tyler said eagerly.

"That's the one!" Moody said. "Now- dementors! Know what they are, anyone?"

I glanced around. A girl called Jasmine, and the boy called Andy both raised their hands. Moody pointed at Jasmine, and she said, "Dementors guard Azkaban."

Azkaban- I'd heard of that place, the wizard prison. Something which stopped vicious wizard psychopaths getting out couldn't be good.

"Know what they do to the captives, Spicer?"

"They, er, drain them," Jasmine said slowly. "And kiss them- suck out their soul."

Something cold seemed to slide down my throat, and I stared at her, horrified. Suck out their soul...?

"Urgh, kissing a dementor would suck," Potter whispered. "Imagine if it was someone's first kiss. They'd be traumatised for life."

"Shut up," I growled at him, sounding almost like Moody.

"You can both do that," Moody said, clucking up to us.

"Sorry," I said quickly, and stamped on Potter's foot, hard, before he could say anything stupid.

"Didn't you listen to anything I said earlier?" Potter muttered, once Moody was gone. "About throwing temper tantrums and thinking it's cool. Then sucking up to teachers but once their backs are turned, acting like a toddler?"

I silently stepped away from him, but I felt almost like throwing up. I really hated Potter for that...

"_Is it true, Lily?" Mum had said angrily. "Did you really slap your older sister like that?"_

"_She deserved it!" I had fumed. "She called me a freak again! And I can't help it! I'm _not_ a freak- am I?"_

_Mum's expression had softened slightly and she had sighed, exchanging a glance with my Dad. "One day, Lily," she said slowly. "Someone's going to teach you a very harsh lesson. That you just can't go round losing your temper, like that, see, Lily?"_

_I stared earnestly up at her, confusion masking my features and Dad laughed._

"_Oh, leave her," he said, taking a sip of coffee. "She's just twelve, Rosa..."_

"_She's been like that since a toddler," Mum had said, sighing again. "And she can't lose her temper like that- almost a teenager now-."_

"_I didn't do anything wrong!" I'd said loudly. "Tunia started it! She did!"_

"_I've told you once," Mum had muttered. "And I'll tell you again. One day, someone'll retaliate when you start yelling- and teach you a very hard lesson."_

And Potter had been the one to teach me it. It was crazy, infuriating, maddening... but true. Potter, who had mocked me for years, had been the one brave enough to say what he thought.

"Repeat!" Moody yelled. "Expecto Patronum!"

"Expecto Patronum!" the group yelled back, but the words caught in my throat. I wanted, more than anything, to scream the words, to take my mind off Potter, but I couldn't.

"That bit's child-play!" Moody growled. "Now, you need a memory! A strong, happy memory! Think..."

A happy memory? I searched desperately for something, anything: but all I had had been dimmed to nostalgics, bitter longing... and when I tried to dwell on the memory, it was like something from a different world. I felt a long-ago feeling of slight happiness, but I couldn't remember the really feeling, just the idea of happiness.

"Ready?" Moody barked. Everyone around me was nodding, even Potter looked eager and excited, and I could hardly ask for more time. "We'll do it without the dementor! Expecto Patronum!"  
"Expecto patronum!" everyone shouted. I saw a burst of silvery mist whiz into the air, from Potter's wand, and swallowed. If Potter, who strutted through life with his hands in his pockets, could make something happen, then I could too. Potter's mist flickered, then vanished into nothing again. Good.

"Expecto patronum," I echoed, seconds after everyone else, and waved my wand feebly through the air. Nothing happened... I was supposed to be thinking of a happy memory.

"I'VE DONE IT!"

I turned sourly to see Potter patting a magnificent silver stag, glimmering so brightly it hurt my eyes to look at it. It galloped around the room, it's hooves making no noise against the floor. As it reached Potter again, who had a wide-eyed smile on his face, he reached out to stroke it... but then it was gone.

It was perfect, and I knew, without trying, that I'd never be able to do that. All around me, beautiful silver animal were dancing by the candle-light, though none could outshine Potter's stag, which stood proudly by his side.

"Can't you do it, Evans?" a snide voice said delightedly behind me.

"Fuck off, Gillian," I said, without turning round.

Moody was looking around, nodding at patronus, something close to a smile on his face.

"Ready to try against dementors?" Moody said.

"Sorry, Sir," Gillian said, taking a step forward. "Evans, here, needs more time. She's incapable of the spell- well, she is only a-."  
Nobody was expecting what happening next. When Gillian had spoken, he had frozen like a dog that had scented a rabbit, and had stood very still, ready to pounce. As Gillian had sneered, Potter had taken half a step towards him, rolling his hands into fists, but even so, I didn't register what was happening, until he shot past me, in a blur of colour. I stumbled, and straightened to see Potter hurl himself onto Gillian, and knock him to the floor.

"Potter!" I yelled, running to stand next to the pair, somehow afraid to do anything. Screams and whoops had broken out, and the group darted next to them.

"Out of the way, out of the way," Moody limped slowly up the scene, drawing his wand, his face wrinkled with strange excitement. Lifting his wand arm, his hand twitching, he aimed a long beam of blue light at them, sending them flying to opposites sides of the room.

Potter sat up, panting, and rubbed blood out of his eye. There was an ugly cut across his forehead, and his glasses had fallen off, and were lying, broken, at my feet. All around his left eye there were small cuts where the glass had broken; he was lucky, I realised, that his eye had not been gorged out.

All the same, in my state of fury, shock and worry, I couldn't help noticing than Gillian was even worse off, with handsome bruises already forming, and his face was a mess of blood, from a broken nose. Panting myself, even though I had only been watching, I felt a rush of pride for Potter's fighting skills... not that he should be fighting at all. Immature.

"Medical Bay, now," Moody said.

"I'd rather stay," Gillian said, after a second, getting to his feet.

"... and me," Potter said, glancing at me. I looked away, unsure what I should say to him later. It was stupid and immature to fight, but all the same, I couldn't dismiss the fact that he had done it for _me._ Not that I needed boys to go round punching anyone I didn't like. I was tough, and I didn't need looking after. But it was a gesture. A stupid, unthinking, pointless gesture but, well...

I tried to meet his eye, but Potter was being helped to his feet by a blushing girl, and I looked away again.

"Now, dementors," Moody said, as if the whole fight hadn't happened. "One at a time... alphabetical order-."

My heart sank like a stone. Alphabetical order meant that I was first. And sure enough:

"Evans!"

Forcing myself to look straight ahead, I walked up to to Moody, focusing my eyes on the window on the other side of the hall, as if I was trying to balance.

"You know the incantation?" Moody said; and what could I reply?

"Yes."

Bile was rising in my throat, and I had to keep swallowing to prevent myself from puking on my shoes. I could still taste it, in my mouth, and when I glanced quickly at Gillian, I couldn't speak as it rose inside me.

"Three," Moody barked.

I pulled my wand out, and held it in front of me, as if it would somehow prevent the humiliation.

"Two."

My eyes lingered on the window for another second. Someone had written their name in the dust, and through the words I could make out a much brighter sky than the dull blue behind most of the glass.

"One."

The bile rose in my throat again, and I swallowed hurriedly, and my eyes slid involuntarily onto the door, where Moody's wand was pointing.

"Open."

But the word has drowned in a loud metallic bang, as the lock on the door snapped open and bounced began to bounce against the metal door, creating a loud rattling. Before the noise had died away, however, I had another problem, one far worse than the ringing of the lock against the door.

I felt it before I saw. A chilling mist was coiling inch by inch from the door- and this, I realised, was a dementor. It was far worse than I had anticipated. As it glided noiselessly towards me, I stumbled back, and the dementor turned on me. With a dragging rattling breaths, it came towards me, quicker than ever now, it's rotting hands pushing back the door, setting the lock swinging again. Behind me, I heard a collective gasp, and heard the group backing away, leaving me standing, frozen to the spot, without help. When I had first got it, my wand had seemed brilliant, but now I was painfully aware of thin and breakable it was- just a piece of wood, against this black hooded... dementor.

And yet I had the incantation, I could, with just a little effort-.

Forcing the image of me and Tuney slashing through waves on holiday, the sand between my toes, tickling my legs as I stamped forward, giggling as Tunia kicked her legs, sending the water slashing towards me.

"Expecto pantroum- I mean, expecto patronum!" I stuttered, stabbing my wand in the dementor's direction, and stumbling back-

"_Freak!"_

"I'm not!" I tried to scream. "I'm not a freak, I'm not!"

That was Petunia's voice, and I ran backwards a few steps, but the cold only thickened, and now I could see her.

_Petunia took a small step forward, and crossed her arms. "You _are!_" she said, her face shining with relish. "You're a freak."_

"Expecto patronum..."

But either my voice was quietening, or I was no longer listening. All the sounds around me seemed to have been turned down like a radio play, and Petunis's voice was echoing round and round my head...

"_Nobody likes you," she said, raising an eyebrow, and I could only stutter. "You're freaky, and boring, and ugly and _fat!_" _

I felt my hand drop slowly to my side, and my wand slide to the fall, but I didn't here it hitting the floor. Besides, I no longer cared, because I was staring at my sister, who had a steady smile on her face, as she repeated over and over, "you're _fat!_"

Somebody should have told me, told me what the dementor's did. They shown you what other people thought- so simple, yet so, so cutting. The thing which made it so much worse was that I knew it was true, and as I spun blindly on the spot, sinking to my knees, looking to where the crowd might be, though I could only hear, and see Petunia, I could imagine their expressions. Uneasy glances between each other, but then nods, mutterings... it is true, she must know...

I felt so exposed, exposed to what I truly was: a fat freak.

"EXPECTO PATRONUM!"

And something burst past me, blindingly bright, and everything was coming back-

I was kneeing in the hall, and the dementor was backing away, as something silver was running rings around it. Warmth was trickling back into my body, and the silver thing galloped to a halt, just beside me.

A stag...

"Potter?" I whispered.

"Prongs," the messy-haired boy behind me replied.

We stood for a seconds, as I looked up at him, the sigh lingering in the air as the patronum vanished.

#############

"Nice patronus, Potter," Moody said gruffly. "Though we are training for a reason. This is an important spell in the tests, and Evans needs to get that spell by herself, not have her boyfriend run to her rescue."

"What? He's not-." I said, and the moment was shattered.

"She was almost fainting!" Potter protested. "I couldn't just let her-."

"Potter!" I said, through gritted teeth. "Thank you for doing that-."

"You can have a nice little chit-chat later, Evans, you need to try again, without Potter helping!" Moody roared.

"-but I can look after myself, okay?" I finished, in a whisper.

Potter shrugged and walked away. I knew that he thought I couldn't. The git!

"Can the others go now, I might be better, if I'd seen them first?" I asked hopefully.

Moody nodded irritably, and shouted for Gillian to come up. While he took the dementor on, I stormed up to Potter, and cleared my throat loudly.

"Thank you for doing that," I said sharply. "It was good of you."

"Me? I'm always good! No, brilliant," Potter said.

"But I _can_ look after myself, you know," I hissed.

"It didn't look like it," Potter said.

"Okay, so there I was in a mess," I admitted. "But you don't have to babysit me."

"I did one thing to help a friend, and you're mad at me?" Potter said, looking genuinely confused. "Lily, how many times am I going to have to give you that speech on keep your temper?"

I swallowed. "I've taken it on board, Potter," I said, trying to not sound too hurt. I hadn't lost my temper this time. "But stop being so, so-."

"Caring and nice?" Potter suggested.

"I'm sixteen years old, almost of age!" I hissed. "Older than you! You don't need to care for me! It's... it's like, whatever I do, you try and help me out! I diet, so you run to McGonagall telling her I'm anorexic! Gillian annoys me slightly, so you start fighting with him, and now-! Look, I'm thankful you did that, but just, you know-."

"Losing your temper!" Potter said, in a sing-song voice, then said seriously, "you're anorexic, and you're a girl-."

"That, urgh!" I looked at him in disgust. "That's just so, so sexist, Potter!"

He seemed to have realised he'd gone too far, and started to apologise but I made a disgusted noise, and walked to the other side of the room.


	12. Seeing stars

By the end of the session, fatigue had overcome me, and more than anything in the world, I wanted to drop to the fall, head in hands, and weep my eyes out. And I still hadn't faced the dementor yet.

Before I had another chance, however, the two hour session finished- with everyone else managing to fight of the dementor, at least a bit. Part of me felt a rush of joy as Moody waved us towards the door, obviously having forgotten that I was supposed to fight it again, but at the same time, I had heard him.

"This is an important spell in the tests," he had said- and I was here so I could pass the tests.

Did I want to hear that voice jeering at me again, that cold weight of depression in my heart- hell, no, I did not. But I had spent hours here, and studying for this, trying to slim for this- _and failing_, a bitter voice in the back if my mind says. _Why are you even doing this...? You're pathetic, and you could never, never be an auror!_

I gave head a quick, vigorous shake, as if hoping the voice will fade away, if I can hear my hair bouncing against my ears. It doesn't, of course, but I plastered a smile on my face, and head towards Moody.

"Where you going?" Potter muttered, and I look grumpily at him. Why must he know every step that I take? Honestly, he acts like my mum, sometimes!

"I need to get my practise with Moody, since you came and said the spell for me," I said, managing to keep my voice light.

"You are not," Potter said immediately, and I practically growl.

"Go to the Medical Bay place, follow Gillian," I told him, eyes flashing. "I'll come once I'm finished, okay?"

"Lils, you nearly fainted," Potter repeated incredulously. "And I'm supposed to just-."

"Medical Bay," I repeated. "And I'll be fine, Moody might not be nice, but he wouldn't let me die!"

"Hmmm," Potter pursed his lips together. I gave a short sigh, and pushed him into the crowd milling at the door. When he tried to turn round, I gave him such a dark look, he gave an awkward laugh and disappeared. I couldn't help wondering if that couldn't as throwing a tantrum if life didn't go my way, and silently promised myself that I would keep my temper for when I really needed it.

"Moody," I said brightly, as reached him. He looked up at me for a moment, scowling darkly. "Uh, you know, that I failed to do a patronus," I said, ignoring his expression. "And I wondered if I could try now, for a few minutes, since it's such an important part of the tests?"

"Humhp!" he snorted.

"Can I?" I asked hopefully.

"Yes," he growled. "You can."  
"Oh, great," I said. "So... run me over in the whole conjuring a patronus."  
"Happy memory," Moody said, as if he didn't really believe in happiness. "And expecto patronum."

"Right," I said, nodding, and drawing my wand. I settled on my memory of getting the Hogwarts letter, running out and hugging Sev, tears streaming down my cheeks. "Okay," I took a deep breathe, and tried to the recount the soaring sensation in my stomach that made me feel like I was flying, as I hurtled through the dust, and jumped my arms hitting him, giggling as we fell into a tight hug... but I'd never hug Sev again. "Expecto patronum!" I yelled, forcing that feeling of intense joy into me, but I couldn't help remembering that Sev and me were history.

Nothing happened.

Twenty minutes later, however, I was able to create a flickering sliver shield which hovered by me pathetically. Since Potter had created that beautiful stag in five minutes, it wasn't the best achievement.

"Try against the dementor now?" Moody suggested. I nodded.

It glided forward, and immediately,

"_Freak!"_

"Expecto patronum!"

"_Freak. You're a freak. Nobody likes you. You're freaky and ugly and _fat!_"_

It's just a voice, I told myself, but it didn't stop me backing away, tears starting to run down my cheeks. And then I ran, hard and fast, away... just away.

I could hear Moody shouting after me, but I don't stop, I can't stop. I slammed the door shut behind me, and I'm free. But I'm still scared, I still need to get away, so I kept running, tears pouring down my cheeks...

Instinctively, I'm ran towards Medical Bay, but I'm wreck, a ruin- Potter shouldn't see me like this, my make-up streaming down my face, but I could see him through a window, and too late, too late, he's seen me too...

I turned in the other direction, and stumble away, and Potter was behind me, his feet hammering against the fall.

"Lily! Lily!"

"Go, just go!" I tried to yell back, but I tripped and the fall hurtles up towards me... and then I'm seeing stars again.

"Lily..."

I sat up again, blinking. Potter was holding my hand, his hazel eyes staring down at me.

"I fainted," I said blankly. "Why- no-."

"Lily..." Potter said again, and I'm terrified to see the tears glimmering in his eyes. Potter doesn't cry.

"I'm fine," I whispered, and I wonder who I'm trying to kid. I've fainted, in the middle of an auror building, and one words ringing through my head: _fat, fat, fat._

"Oh, Lily," Potter said, and then he started to cry on me. I bit my lips to stop myself doing the same. I smiled weakly up at him instead, and he pulled me into a hug. "I love you, Lily," he whispered, into my hair.

"Don't say that," I muttered back, shocked by the intensity in his voice. "I'm not ready, I can't love you like that, Potter..."

"James."

"James," I agreed, and it feels like a promise, I don't whether I can keep. "James... we're just friends... okay?"

"Okay," he promised. "Friends."

I smiled weakly again, and he clutched my hand yet tighter.

**A/N: Very short chapter, sorry. It was going to be longer, but this just seemed a good point to stop. REVIEW!**


	13. Random meaningless conversation

The world whirled, and I hit the floor of McGonagall's office. Having Potter also on the portkey had thrown me off balance, and I had crashed onto my knee; Potter managed to stay upright though, suppose it's all that Quidditch practise...

"Potter," McGonagall snapped. "How _dare_ you stun me like that?"

"What- I didn-," Potter stuttered.

From the fall, I pointed my wand up at McGonagall and hissed, "obliviate." McGonagall stood quite still for a second, then blinked, and sat down at her desk, while I pulled Potter from the room.

"I don't believe you!" Potter cried, once we were outside. "You managed to stun her once, and then... do whatever you did just now."  
"Obliviate," I shrugged. "I guess it's because I'm such a model student, you can just get away without anything if you're good most of the time. Particularly if you're in the presence of one of the worst pranksters of the school."

"Not fair," Potter sulked. "Urgh- and are you going to tell me what 'obliviate' does or anything?"

"Honestly, don't you read?" I snapped. "It's a memory charm. Which mean," I added, looking at Potter's blank face. "I wiped from her mind particular memories... in this case, the memory of being stunned."

And also everything Potter snitched to her, but I don't tell him that.

"Hmmm," Potter said. "Lily, we need to talk."

"Oh, yes?"

"You fainted!" Potter accused. "Back there, you fainted- and I'm not an idiot, I know why."

"Just because the dementor-."  
"Yeah, _yeah_," Potter rolled his eyes. "Do I have to spell it out? You fainted because you haven't eaten for- for days!"

"I have eaten..." I lied, swallowing. As much as I despised to admit, I couldn't help thinking Potter might be right. Damn it. I needed to do something about it... what if I fainted right in the middle of a session, or worse actually in our tests?

Luckily, we were interrupted, before Potter can spit out his reply, as Black appeared by us, grinning like a madman. I guess he is a madman, really.

"Are my eyes deceiving me?" he cried "Is dear Lily actually talking to her beloved Prongs?"

"Starters," I replied, looking at him with great dislike. Of all the people to interrupt.. "Potter, er, I mean, James-." I said, seeing the disappointment on Potter's face.

"Ah ha!" Black yelled. "You called Prongs James!"

"That is his name, I believe," I replied, rather testily. "And 'Prongs' is not, no?"

"It's called a nickname," Potter said.

Sometimes, I wonder how Aria does it. Walk so dreamily, as if she can't see anything in front of her. If I try and clear my mind and stroll forward, I'm very much aware of what's in front of me. I guess dreaminess is a skill I haven't really mastered yet. Anyway, Aria is an expert at it.

"Do you ever look where you're going?" Black said, sounding mildly amused. "Or is you walking into me your way of trying to touch such a spectacularly handsome man like me?"

"Hi, Aria," I said, trying to keep my voice cheerful.

"Oh, _squeak,_" said Aria. "Lily?"  
"Er, that's me."

"Well, goodbye," Aria said, sounding rigid and formal again.

"Goodbye."

"WHAT THE FUCK?" Black said in a shout-hiss, once Aria had rounded a corner.

"What?" I asked.

"Padfoot got it right, really," Potter commented.

"When have I not?" Black smirked.

"When we're betting and I win," Potter said. "Which is, to be honest, the majority of the time."  
"Since when has once been the majority of the time?"

"Since when you threw a tantrum over losing and never agreed to bet again."

I rolled my eyes. Honestly. I hadn't realised they let two-year-olds into Hogwarts.

"Anyways," Black said, swinging on me. "Go and apologise to Ariadne."

"Er, and you care why?"

"Because Prongs here is in love with you, and if you're angsty, I'll hear about it," Black said, with a fake sigh. Potter went the colour of beetroot, and I giggled sightly. "So go and make out with her," Black finished.

"What?" my head snapped round to look at him. "I- Aria might be weird but she isn't a lesbian, Black- not that I have anything against gays or anything- and I don't like her in that way- we're friends- I mean, okay, you're smirking, but you and Potter-."  
"Lily," Potter said, with an identical smirk to Black's. "I know you're not a lesbian, you fancy me."

"Um... nooo, " I said. "Look, Pottter- er, James- maybe, I was thinking, we shouldn't be friends after all, you know. It's your choice, I mean, but-."

"Nah, date each other, Prongs would kill me if you decided that you hated Prongs after all," Black said. "And, just so you don't freak, it was an accidental bish saying 'make out'. I meant to say 'make up', but I'm so used to telling Prongs to just snog you, instead of playing cat and mouse-."  
"It's a very nice day for this time of year, isn't it?" Potter said loudly.

"Er... it's hailing," I reminded him.

"Oh, yes," Potter said, going red. "What a shame. Er, these days we never get a white Christmas, do we? Always just hail and rain and hail and rain... er- haven't had a white Christmas for years..."

"Potter, it snowed last year," I said. Potter was reduced to a state of stuttering, so Black piped up again.

"Anyway, 'cos I'm always telling Prongs just to snog you, I've connected you and telling people 'just to make out' in my mind, so I told you to make out with Aria, but I meant make-up!" Black finished. "Though feel free to make-out. With anyone. It would be hilarious to see Prong's face if he realised you were lesbian. It would explain why you haven't fallen for me, though," Black added thoughtfully.

I began to giggle again. "Black, get it out of your head that the whole female population should fall for you," I said.

"First years don't have to fall in love with you," Black said, taking a swig of... I really hope butterbeer. "They can go for Prongsie- see, aren't I generous?"

"I don't want any first years," Potter said, looking intently at me.

I squirmed slightly under his gaze. "Yeah, I'd be a bit worried if you did," Black said jokingly. Potter's intensity, possessiveness was starting to mildly freak me out. If we had been alone, I would have told him that he couldn't do that, but with Black there, he would keep butting in. Not that I didn't want Black to be there, in fact I couldn't help giving him a grateful grin across Potter, for lowering the tension there.

Maybe the best thing to do was just date Potter briefly, have fun, laugh about, kiss him a bit. Just for a few days, so that he could accept that he'd won the girl he was unable to get till now- and maybe grow bored of me. Then, I'd dump him, and he'd realise that we just didn't suit each other.

But I couldn't bring myself to! I might have ended up wiping a teacher's memory, but I still liked to think that that had been an exception to my general personality: I was honest and straight-forward. To lead Potter on, when my only feelings towards him were gratitude for helping me out with the dementor, and annoyance over the fact he was so often a git, would go completely against my life morals. And if he really did love me, it would just be hurting him more to do that. I couldn't. He was, though I sometimes doubted it, a person too.

Even so, I did wonder what it would be like to pretend to be his girlfriend.

"He's considering it, though!" I said, grinning.

"Wow... pervert attack," Black said, and took a swig of the amber liquid. I narrowed my eyes.

"What is that?" I said, trying to keep my voice light.

"Firewhiskey," Black said, shrugging, but there was something in his tone which dared me to protest. "Want some?"

I hesitated. My normal reaction would be to throw a hissy fit, confiscate the firewhiskey, and report it to McGonagall. However, there was no way on earth I would go near McGonagall after just modifying her memory and all- it was the first memory charm I ever actually done, and I wasn't sure how much it would work.

And then.. _you're freaky and ugly and fat!_ That sentence, it was still ringing round my mind... and I was only now starting to understand that 'freak' wasn't Petunia's version of it. There were hundreds of wizards and witches at Hogwarts, and I was the freak. Just me.

Because I had no life. Absolutely no fun in life, apart from being an auror, where stupid Potter had been better than her without trying... I hadn't tried firewhiskey, before now hardly ever broken a rule, was completely fat... pathetic freak.

"Yeah, sure," I said, with a nervous smile.

What? Did? I? Say?

"What did you say?" Black asked blankly.

Yes, what?

"I said I wanted firewhiskey," I said brightly. "I'm kind of thirsty."

"Umm... can we go into Hogsmeade to get some more?" Black said. "This is _my _firewhiskey."  
"You offered it," I said, hands on my hips. "Give."

"Excuse me, who's Lily Evans, and what have you done to her?" Black said.

"I feel like loosening up, you know," I shrugged.

"Brilliant!" Black cried. "No offence, but often you act like you have a stick up your arse!"

Thanks, Black.

"Well, I want to have fun," I said determinedly.

"Fun..." Black repeated, a devilish grin crossing his face. "Oh, Lily, you've come to the right people, eh, Prongs?"

"Yeah," Potter replied, rather dully. I looked sharply at him.

"What's up?" I asked Potter.

He stared down at the toes of his shoes for a second, and said, in that awful, dull voice that didn't suit him at all, "I've tried to make you have fun for years, and you've turned me down, rejected me, snapped at me, punched me. And then my best mate half-jokingly asks you if you want firewhiskey, and you leap on it. It's just so... unfair, I guess."

"Oh, my," I whispered, guilt overcoming me, running my tongue across my lips. "Oh... Pot- _James._"

"You've gone and started crushing on Sirius, haven't you?" Potter said slowly.

"Never in a million years," I told him furiously, and seeing his doubtful face, felt tears springing up in my eyes. "I'm serious!"

"No, he is," James said, weakly, and gestured pathetically towards Black. His voice broke as he said the second word, and, giving a feeble giggle, pulled him into a tight hug.

"Haven't you been saying that joke since first year?" I said, laughing into his ear. "Doesn't it ever get old?"

"Some jokes never get old," James said, and I was glad to hear that his voice was normal again, not croaky and dull like it had been seconds before. I hated listening to him like that.

"It's only funny because it's so stupid that you still say it," I said, but I was unable to stop my smile spreading across my face.

"And that, darling, is why that joke is eternal," James replied.

I raised an eyebrow, and he continued.

"Yeah, it'll still be funny, when we're as old as Dumbledore, with snow white hair and beards, well, hopefully, you won't have a beard- and honestly, I don't think I would, it might ruin my perfect looks, but say Sirius, Peter and Remus all have beards, particularly Sirius-."

"Yeah, right!"

"And the five of us will be messing around together, okay, old men-."  
"and women, don't forget," I butted it.

"If you hadn't been so impatient, I might have managed to fit that in, you know," Potter sighed. "But anyway, in, like one hundred years, we'll sitting around, drinking firewhiskey-."

"I can't imagine eighty-year-olds drinking firewhiskey," I interrupted again. For some reason, I wanted to listen to James' story, even though it clear had no point.

"Weren't you listening?" James groaned. "We'll be one hundred and... sixteen."

"Wait, did you do maths?" I grinned.

"Yes, even I can do one hundred plus our ages," James rolled his eyes.

"Well, whatever our exact ages, I don't think we'd drink firewhiskey. More like... sip white wine."

"Um, no," James corrected. "We'll be one hundred and sixteen. One hundred and sixteen year olds drink firewhsikey. That's a fact."

Before I could think of a reasonable objection to this besides stuttering, James had pressed on with a grin, and when I opened his mouth, he slapped his hand over it, and grinned.

"Listen, Lily! So old bearded Sirius, Remus and Peter, old but still incredibly handsome-."  
Both Lily and Sirius, who was leaning against the wall, watching interestedly, snorted loudly.

"-me, and my wife- that's you, Lils-"

"For the sake of this story, I'll accept that," I sighed, and said seriously. "But you do know... in real life, that isn't happening."

"Will be drinking firewhiskey a hundred years in the future... and you, actually no, you're my wife-."

I sighed again.

"-so you won't, Remus will start telling me off for something, and say, 'I'm serious, James', and I'll say 'no, that's him'... and we'll have the exact same conversation that we had a few minutes back. To the word. And we'll laugh about it."

I smiled dreamily for a second. "Maybe," I said, shutting my eyes, and then I snapped out of it. "So that's your story?" I teased. "Honestly, James, that story consists of what, 'oh yeeh, we're old and in your dreams me and you are married, and you make a rubbish joke, and it's supposedly still funny'. What an amazing story, James!"

"Realistic," James shrugged.

"Realistic!" Sirius butted in. "How is it realistic that I have a beard?"

"I can take that bit," I said. "It's the me being married to Potter which is so completely crazy..."

"Well, apart from that, it's realistic," James said.

Our eyes met again for half a second, and deep inside something seemed to churn, like I was about to be sick. When he winked behind his dorky, I felt kind of good.

"No, you will NOT!" Black said loudly, waving a hand between us. "I was very polite and tactful and all that stuff while you made eyes at each other, and just watched, while wondering if I would puke-."  
"Being described as having a beard make you puke?" James said. "I should tell stories more often... it might shut you up."  
"Impossible," Black and me said together. Black pointed triumphantly at me. "Hear that, Prongs, Lily agrees-."  
"That wasn't a compliment, you do know," I said, with a wry grin.

"Aaaaaanyway," Black said. "Weren't we going to go to Hogmeade to get firewhiskey?"

"Don't be idiotic, it isn't a Hogmeade weekend," I dismissed, waving a hand.

"We don't need it to be a Hogmeade weekend..." Black said.

"What do you- oh, seriously, I mean, honestly," I said, as I realised what they were saying. "You can't sneak into Hogsmeade, it's against the rules, and Potter's Head Boy! If we're caught, me and Potter might even lose our positions, and no amount of firewhiskey is worth that!"

"We won't be caught," Potter said earnestly. "I have guarantee."

"Which is what?" I said.

"This," Potter replied, with the air of one cradling a large bombshell and thoroughly enjoying it. Dropping to his knee, he drew out a long, silvery cloak, that looked like it was of the same material of his patronus, flickering and translucent.

"That is an invisibility cloak," I identified.

"Damn it, is your reaction disappointing," Potter said, shaking it out. "Maybe it hasn't sake in yet." He shook the cloak out, then whirled it round his head, before sweeping it over him with a flourish. And he was invisible.

I'm not exactly sure what I was expecting, but he was so... not there. Yes, I do know the definition of invisible, but somehow I'd thought that I would know vaguely where he was, that looking at where he had vanished, I wouldn't just see straight through to the window behind him, without the slightest implication he was still there, or indeed he'd been there at all, because I'd utterly forgotten where he'd vanished.

"AHH!" I screeched, leaping a foot in the air when something squeezed me sharply between the ribs. "You- Potter!" I yelled, swinging round, and staring somewhere behind me, before start to make grasps in the air for him, while Black doubled up sniggering, which was loud enough to disguise any sound of Potter.

"OUUUCH!"  
This time I nearly died laughing as Black scowled furiously around for a second, then suddenly sticking out this leg, causing Potter to go flying to the fall, landing on his nose.

"How did you do that?" I asked, as I pulled the cloak from Potter's grasp, and helped him to his feet.

"Years of practise," Sirius shrugged. "With Prongs thinking it's funny to ambush me, you need to be good at tripping him up. And I'm ultra-talented at that too."

"Actually I was asking James how he made you scream like that, but whatever," I said, holding out the cloak, marvelling it's lightness.

"You've been using this to sneak around the school at nights, haven't you?" I said sharply. "Even as Head Boy!"

"Yeah," James said, rather guiltily. "But, we can use this, Lils, in Hogsmeade."

"But you shouldn't!" I protested irritably. "I mean, I can just about take that you'll go gallivanting around the school after dark- but going into Hogsmeade is just pushing it too far!"

"Lily," Sirius said. "So long as you have permission slips, teachers aren't even really going to care if we go into Hogsmeade, being Christmas. Honestly."

"Well-," I glanced nervously around the hall, unable to think up any excuses. "I've- I've got to study anyway, I have no idea what I was thinking saying I wanted firewhiskey. I-."  
"Chicken," Sirius said.

"I'm not- oh, just, I mean, come on, guys-!" I stuttered. "It's dangerous to go into Hogsmeade without permission, what with You-Know-Who on the loose-."

"Lily," James said softly, putting a hand on her arm. "We'll be fine. It'll be fun. Come on."

I glowered, and him, and shook his arm off. "Don't be-."  
"You're coming," Sirius said. "Whether you like it or not, gettit?"

"No," I snapped. "I don't."

"Well, whether you get it or not, you're coming with us, even if we physically have to drag you."  
"Yeah, Lils, please," James said.

"Fine! Fine!" I said. It was only so James didn't think I fancied Sirius, and I meant to escape as soon as possible. As in half an hour..."

"Awesome!" James cried. "C'mon!"

"Wasn't I supposed to be weeping on Aria's shoulder, like Nathan, begging for forgiveness?" I asked grumpily, but I wasn't really backing out now.

"Would you have done so if we told you 'yes'?" James said shrewdly.

"No," I admitted.

It had been her fault- she hadn't been able to take a joke, and she needn't to man up and apologise. I certainly wouldn't, not till she did.

"Then should we bother," Potter said.

I wasn't sure whether he's talking about him and Sirius lecturing me on making up with her, or if I shouldn't bother at all, but I grinned, slung my bag across my back, and Sirius grabbed us, and pulled us away.

Even though, I scowl and pout the whole way, I am a little excited. Who know, this could be fun.

How very, very wrong I was.

**A/N: 1) Sorry... filler chapter. I just wanted to have a Lily, James, and Sirius exchange, and for Lily to basically have fun. Because I think, however much Lily whined on, she was herself really, and she needed to have some fun with James, if I'll be able to convince you that she likes James, and she ****_should_**** be with James, she can't just have her moaning at James, and him comforting her, because otherwise their relationship would no fun in it, and you need fun... Lily particularly, with her being such a bookworm. Just explaining why you just read 3000 odd words where pretty much nothing happened... *looks away guiltily***

**Lily can't think of James as Potter forever, can she? It just wouldn't work. But the problem is ****_I_**** think as James as Potter when I'm writing now, and it's hard to remember, yeah the character which was called Potter should now be referred to as James. Just like Black is now Sirius. Therefore there'll probably be a bit of a mix between surname and first name- it's because Lily is only just adjusting to calling James James, so she slips up a bit when she's feeling passionate... or that's my excuse.**

**Thank you so much for all the lovely people who's reviewed: MissDemigodWizard, CanonCannon, jayfeather12345, and deathyhallowsT13- you are awesome!**


	14. Death Eaters

"No! You don't need any more firewhiskey!" I moaned, trying to pull the bottle out of Sirius' hand. "And you don't either, James!" I said, trying to grab the bottle back. "Oh, why am I bothering?"

"You even had any yourself?" James said, gesturing towards the almost full bottle.

I took my second cautious sip. "Yes!" It tasted horrible.

"It's Lily," Sirius giggled feebly. "Prongs loves you, Lily... loony Lily doesn't like firewhiskey..."

"Oh, shut up, Padfoot," James said. He had a bit of a slur, but he was way less drunk than Sirius. Way less. "And drink up! You know we don't waste!"

"No!" I repeated, then sighed. "James, please, don't get too drunk. I'll need someone to drag Sirius home."

James grabbed my bottle, and clamped it to his lips, drinking. I groaned, and started to try and pull his arm off, and it came smashing to the floor.

"Lily- you idiot!" James yelled, and hurled a bottle at me. It hit my head hard, and I groaned in pain, my hand to my head. "Oh, my god, Lily..." James said, looking horrified at himself. "I'm sorry, Lily, really."  
"That really hurt," I moaned, and it was still throbbing painfully. James looked conflicted.

"I'd do some healing spell, but I can't think..." James said.

"Look... ginger's got hit by a flying bottle..." Sirius giggled.

"Shut up, Sirius! Go flirt with that blondie over there, or something!" James said, pushing him away.

"She's ugly," Sirius protested "An' fat..."

Fat? Do people judge by how fat they are? Am I, in Sirius' mind, ugly and fat?

"Well, flirt with her friend, then," James said dismissively.

"Don't chase Sirius away, who knows what he'll do!" I fussed, grabbing Sirius' sleeve. "And I'm fine now, Potter, stop acting like my mother! We need to go back now, before Sirius gets even drunker-."

We were in the Hog's Head, sitting at an old rickety tables, which looked like they hadn't been wiped since Julius Caesar's time, drinking amber liquid- firewhiskey- from knobbly bottles so dusty I was surprised James could see through it at all. I wondered whether firewhiskey was supposed to have a strong smell so mould and to seem to have a layer of dust floating on the top, and decided to give firewhiskey a miss. Perhaps, in some place, where I wasn't worried I'd run into raping drunkards, like the Three Broomsticks, but here, no way one earth was I drinking another sip.

After crawling along a narrow, dark passageway, which only added to my doubts that we definitely weren't allowed to be here (not that I suspected any teacher would come near this place), we arrived in the basement of an attic, full to the brim of boxes and boxes of shining sweets. However, when they started stuffing themselves with things which looked suspiciously like butterball, pure, sticky butter, probably covered in sugar, I nearly threw up. Everything smelt even more disgustingly sticky sweet and fattening than the firewhiskey I had in front of me.

I simply couldn't bear to sit there, in that attic, feeling close to sick, while Sirius waved things that made my stomach churn under my nose, so I dropped my last two sickles into a box of nasty, brightly coloured pellet things, and ran for it.

The shop was shut, so I'd been able to sneak out the door, pulling the lock back, James and Sirius following reluctantly behind me, still stuffing themselves.

Once Sirius had finished telling me off, we headed for the Hog's Head, traipsing through a gale of snow, and slush. I'd assumed that we'd go to somewhere a bit more well looked after, but they both insisted the Hog's Head was better- which was crazy. Utterly crazy.

At the start, it had been almost enjoyable, but then a group of giggling witches came up, and literally pushed me out of the way while they flirted. Rude- I could have been dating one of them for all they knew!

After that, Sirius had become completely drunk, and I felt like killing myself. Well, almost. There were so many useful things I could be doing: exercising, studying... things which would help me become an auror and help stop Voldemort. A worthwhile aim.

"Can we go back now?" I begged.

"No!" Sirius said.

I groaned, and stood up. "We're going! Sirius, James NOW!"

"Spoilsport," Sirius whinged.

"Now!" I repeated, and grabbed a boy by each sleeve, and pulled. James came trailing along beside me, but Sirius kept up a torrent of complaints, and kept stumbling, hardly able to walk straight.

I was the first one who saw it- though I should technically called it 'them', however I try to imagine that death eaters aren't really alive.

I couldn't have thought up a worse time or place. There we were, three seventh years, in Hogsmeade when we shouldn't be, where nobody knew where we where, one of our number almost unable to walk.

Being a soon-to-be auror, I probably should have instinctively leapt forward, whipping out my wand, and, I dunno, charged them down or something, while getting James to call for more aurors. But, in reality, despite my hours dreaming and working to become an auror I had less idea of what to do when I heard the stampede of footsteps in the distance, than a cabbage would.

For about ten seconds, I stood my eyes focused on the horizon, standing stock-still. Then my grip tightened around James' arm, and I stand desperately, "James, James, can you see... something?"

"Urgh," James looked up, and stopped. "Are those...?"  
"Death..." I whispered, so if I was wrong, if it was somehow a joke or my eyes, I would be able to pretend a hadn't said anything. "Death eaters," I said, louder, after a moment when James had shown no sign of surprise.

"Yeah," he looked back and forth blankly. "I think they are, Lils."

Then finally, blood came running back into my legs, and turned and began to run for it, dragging Sirius behind me, James beside me.

"Slow down... I going to be-." Sirius said, and promptly was sick at his shoes. I groaned.

"We need to get back," I hissed. "We need to get to the Hog's Head- warn people."

"We could," James said slowly, skidding to a halt. He'd gone slightly green too, so I stepped back hurriedly. "Or, well, don't get mad, Lily, but maybe I should go and hold them off."  
"No," I said immediately. "We've got to have a strategy; we can't just ran forward, waving wands." This was something that I had remembered from previous auror courses. "You and Sirius are drunk, no way could you fight, and we need to warn people. Quickly!"

I burst into a run again, pulling Sirius along again. I glanced round, expecting to see James hurtling beside me, but he was running- in the opposite direction.

"Oh my..." I whispered. I was standing outside the Three Broomsticks now- and James had a huge lead, he was running straight into his death. The idiot! The idiot!

I felt tears streaming down my face, but I didn't hesitate. First I had to warn people. I barged through the door of the Three Broomsticks, which would clearly be the place where the death eaters would attack first, and, as Sirius threw up spectacularly on the carpet, every eye was upon us. A waitress came speeding up to, muttering that please could we leave, but I stepped back, and yelled. It was necessary to yell since the room had gone silent, but somehow I had to.

"DEATH EATERS!" I screamed, so loudly my throat immediately began to hurt. "OUTSIDE, ATTACKING! DISAPPARATE, NOW- SIDE ALONG DISAPPARATE ANYONE UNABLE TO! GO, NOW!"

Chaos broke out at my words. There were screams, and childs were whipped from the grounds, bangs and clattering as cups smashed to the floor, but I couldn't stand around to witness it. Sirius was swaying drunkenly at my side, and I pushed him furiously towards a jolly, dark bearded man, who had clasped a small baby in his arms.

"Take him!" I yelled, already heading for the door. "Take him and go!"  
The man looked down at Sirius in disgust, and seeing his expression, I added, "or he'll die!"

He glanced quickly at him wife, who had burst into tears, and had pulled a shocked five year old girl with bushy brown hair into her grasp, before nodding grimly, and snatching Sirius' arm- and appirating with a bang.

I couldn't hang about to wonder who he was, and how Sirius would get back, because I knew one thing, and one thing only:

James.

I dodged out, and groaned.

James Potter was more than fifty yards in front of me now, his wand out, he was running straight at them.

I began to run, pushing myself so hard that within running a yard, there was a pain in my chest. It was hard, lifting my feet through the snow, and every time I took a step I sank into the snow, and had a yank myself out.

"JAMES!" I screamed. He paused for a few seconds, looking around, and when his eyes fell on me, he gave a small wave and continued running. The idiot. The idiot.

I had gained on him while he paused, but there was still a dejected gap between us- and the gap between James and the death eater was closing up with every painful beat. Already, the death had drawn their wands, and were pointing them straight at James.

But I couldn't just run in! Even as my feet pounded against the ground, I was aware that I had a wand, and that a real auror wouldn't just charge head-first into the gang.

"Wingardium Leviosa!" I muttered, for I physically couldn't raise my voice now, and a rose in the air, and flew forward, me running behind urging it to go faster- faster.

James had stopped now, and was shooting stunners towards the crowd. He hit one, and their laughter snapped off, and they raised their wands silently.

There was a flash of silver light, and I saw James crumple silently.

"Wingardium Leviosa," I croaked, picking up a second boulder- and a third, a fourth.

"Avada Kedarva," said a voice.

A flash a green light, and, terrified, I ran forward, in time to see James collapse, the lurid spell missing him by inches.

Another green flash... and as I looked down I saw James lying a bleeding cut across his face, the dark red staining the snow, spreading slowly, contaminating the pure white. It was mad. James Potter was confident, arrogant, smirking- this was a joke. Any moment, he would leap to his feet rubbing the ugly stain from his face, and, smirking, say he loved me. And I would sulk, slap him lightly across the cheek- the other cheek- but I would be so, so relieved.

I looked again, as James lay, like a doll, in the snow. He was almost buried, for the snow was deep, and it came up almost to his nose. Like he was making a snow angel, but the constant seeping blood running into the snow told a different story.

Where James had been there was only this object bleeding in the snow.

Then the crumpled thing moved, disturbing the terrible red snow. His eyes flicked open, like a light bulb, and, I saw, for a moment, the smirking arrogant toerag I grown to love and hate. There was life in those eyes, sparkling, mischievous, aliveness, that made you remember that you only live once. Those painfully awake, hazel, blinking orbs didn't seem to belong on the pale, broken, bleeding corpse, but I'm glad they did.

"Do what I'd do to those scumbags, as an arrogant bullying toerag," Potter whispered. As he finished speaking, he rolled over into the snow, and then he really was an object, because that hazel was him.

When those eyes were open though, I smiled. Is it wrong to smile when somebody dies in front of you? I don't know, but I knew, if James saw my smile, he'd be proud of it.

"That your dying wish?" I said sadly.

He didn't turn over so I didn't see his eyes, but he mumbled, so just I could hear, "don't be silly, Lily, I'm alive, and if I'm alive, how can it be a dying wish?"

I dropped to my knees, quite forgetting the death eaters, hoping he'd speak again, but he had gone silent, so I took his hand, which seemed to have aged lying in the snow, and held on his hand.

"Arrogant prat," I said, tears starting to pour down my cheeks. "Overly optimistic, arrogant prat."

"He's dead."

The death eater's voice rang through my ears, harsher than anything, and I stood up.

Do what I'd do to those scumbags, as an arrogant bullying toerag.

I aimed my wand at the boulders which had fallen to the ground, dodged another flash of lurid green light, and sent them hurtling towards the death eaters. They stepped back, and they formed a wall, separating me and James from the death eaters.

Do what I'd do to those scumbags, as an arrogant bullying toerag.

"Sorry, James, I failed you," I said, and lifted him up with another spell, and beginning to run.

There was already a small crowd from the Three Broomsticks, who were staring fearfully onward, ready to face the death eater. As I came into view, they gasped, and screamed when they saw James.

"It's the girl who warned us about them coming?"  
"Hey, what's happening?"  
"Who's that- merlin, is he dead?"  
"I don't know," I said. "But if he's alive he needs to get to St. Mungo's- quickly."

"I'll take him," somebody said.

"I-no-."

In the distance, there was a smashing noise as the boulders hit the floor, and the first few death eaters, appeared, masked over. But I'd seen them...there were more.

"He's my friend," I stammered. "I sort of want, er, to take him, er, myself..."

"Can you apparate?" the man said.

"Yes, yes, I can."

I was watching the streams of death eaters walk towards us, and sighed,

"You're warning people?"  
"Someone apparated to the auror office, they'll be here," a frightened looking witch said.

I nodded, and looked towards the death eaters again. The thing was, it had just kicked in, how much credit I could get, if I fought in this battle, particularly since it'd been me who'd raised the alarm. And, besides, I was a pretty good dueller- and how would it help if I was the one who took James St. Mungo's? It wouldn't.

"Actually, can you take him, I'm going to fight," I decided, speaking quickly so I couldn't change my mind.

"Yeah, sure, I'll be back, Penelope," the man said, the last bit directed at a wispy, blonde witch, with a determined expression on her face. "Don't die.".  
"I don't intent to," she replied, both eyes on the approaching death eaters.

The man laughed, took James' limp body, and disapparated with a bang.

#######################

Calm. Calm.

Yes, even though one of my friends is currently in - or not, depending on whether that random man was trustworthy- and the other is... somewhere, and I am about to fight a load of death eaters who want to kill me, I should stay calm.

They came marching towards us, and then we charge forward. I remembered that if I want to become an auror then I had better get used to it.

It's like a terrible rainbow of colour, as we started to duel, fiercer and fiercer, slashing our wands through the air.

I managed to stun a death eater- but the witch, Penelope falls beside me. I've never spoken to her, but I feel tears in my eyes again, as she lies there, and a wonder what the man who took James will think when he sees her dead, even though she didn't mean to die.

Every step, every spell, it's dangerous, and I'm terrified. Terrified that I'll be the next Penelope, the next person lying in the snow, unmarked, unblemished, but dead. Scared that I won't survive, and I don't want to die, but then Penelope didn't intent to, but she's dead now, so why not me?


	15. Snapping

_**A/N: I changed the summary (again), sorry, but that's the final summary, I promise I won't change it any more**_

_**TERROR AND TEARS IN HOGSMEADE VILLAGE**_

_Yesterday, at nine o'clock, terror broke out in Hogsmeade village. While most were celebrating the Christmas spirit in pubs in Hogsmeade, Death Eaters were marching down the streets- with nobody stopping them. Ministry officials said the attack was completely unprovoked and they had no warning that the battle would break out at such a time._

_But are the excuses good enough? If the Ministry are going to allow terrorist attacks, like these, then one wonders what the law department is doing in a office, when they could be preventing deaths. It's a dangerous time, and so the Ministry needs to react, not sit back watching the havoc. _

_There were seven deaths, and many were injured badly. There is only one reason how we survived with so little casualties, and the Ministry was not that reason. It was, sixteen year old, Hogwarts student, Lily Evans who raised the alarm, allowing many to disapparate from the scene, and ultimately saving hundreds of lives. Her courage and level headedness, as she warned first the busiest place in Hogsmeade in famous pub, the Three Broomsticks. Although her dramatic spillage of the news that death eaters were coming this way, sent some into hysterics, many escaped, and hurried to warn other dwelling places._

_Lily Evans went even further, though, by running into the lion's den, and creating a wall from the decorative boulders lining the streets, by charmwork, preventing the death eaters from crossing immediately, giving them another few minutes of preparing for the battle which was clearly about to happen._

_Naturally, the best hope for survival was thought to be contacting the auror office- and what a disappointment that was! Did the auror on hearing the urgent news react bravely and speedily? I am afraid to say, perfectly truthfully, that they let us all down most spectacularly. Not arriving on the scene till almost half an hour after they heard the news, and perhaps even more disgracefully, they didn't start preparing a rescue for several minutes, on the grounds that the person had raised the alarm was untrustworthy, since he had dabbled in the law of theft, during his earlier years and stolen approximately a galleon worth of sweets. So, of course, the aurors didn't think that anyone had, at the age of nine, been a thief could ever be telling the honest truth about the mortal danger nearly twenty people were in. Had the auror set out the moment they heard the news, I believe the majority of injuries and death could have been prevented; in fact seven lost their lives because the Ministry thought they would wait till they had four- yes, four- alarm calls telling them people were fighting for their lives._

_"__I've never known anything like it," Bartemius Crouch, auror, said. "It was truly horrific, and I don't whether I can continue to work in this department, while it is considered acceptable to do this."_

_How many have agreed! We have already seen protests of nearly a thousand witches and wizards marching through the streets, demanding that the Head of Auror, Margarito John Thatcher should be fired and the popular addition to this complaint is that Crounch should take his place, because after all, what was the use of young Lily Evans courage if the officials won't listen to her?_

_###################_

The world swam, slowly and painfully, into focus. I was lying on something soft... I was lying in bed, and the air smelt slightly of chemicals.

"You awake?" somebody barked at me. A nurse... hospital... 's?

"Er- oh, yeah, I am," I said, blinking.

Looking around, I saw a was in a Hospital Wing, but I didn't recognise it at all. There were rows of beds, and several nurses were hurrying about, dressed in white, with a strange mirror thing round their necks.

"You were in the papers," the nurse informed me brightly, picking up of paper from a small table scattered with magazines and papers, and tossing it towards me.

"What, me?" I said blankly, looks you never knew existed".

"Second page," she sniffed, looking annoyed for some reason. "Honestly, I read it and they paraded your name around, even got a photo!"  
I flicked to the next page, and started reading, "what's so bad about a photo?"

"Well, if you want death eaters to track you down," she muttered, and I swallowed. Of course.

"I can't believe the Ministry would do that, though," I said, scanning the article again. "And what happened. How did I get here? Where's James? And Sirius?"

"One at a time!" the nurse laughed.

"Well... how did I get here?" I asked.

"I'm not entirely sure, but I believe you fainted in the battle, but someone rescued you and took you here," the nurse told me.

"How long have I been out?"

"Two days," she informed me. "I've checked you, and I couldn't find anything wrong, apart from being a bit underweight, but-."  
"Underweight?" I asked sharply.

She's lying. I can see it in her face.

"Yeah," she said, looking shrewdly at me. "You'll need to be checked for that- but I expect, you just need to eat a good meal, before you go."

A good meal? God help me...

"What about James?" I asked, changing the subject. "Is he okay?"

"James your boyfriend?" she asked interestedly.

I shake my head. "No way," I said, smiling. "Just friends."

"Ah," she said, smiling back, as if she understood something.

"He should be in the hospital," I prompted. "James Potter?"

"I'll look him up in the files," she promised, and I spend the next half hour fidgeting and nervous. Apparently, she'll go "soon", but she never does, and snapped at my constant reminders.

"Honestly, it will take, what, two minutes!" I cried. "I'd go myself, if you'd let me."

"Then go," she said, obviously irritated. "Go to the reception, and ask, and good riddance!"

"You could have told me that, what, an hour ago?" I snapped.

She doesn't deign that with a reply, so I grabbed the paper and stomped away.

"But you can give that back," she said. "It's 's property."

"Fine," I said, chucking it onto the floor, and kicking it hard, before slamming the door.

I knew, in my heart, that I was being unreasonable, but I felt snappish and tired, and my head was spinning. Besides, they wanted me to eat 'a good meal'.Urgh. I could just imagine them pushing some disgusting fattening, hospital food meal at me, and expecting me to squeal with delight and tuck in. Well, I wouldn't.

I got lost on the way of the reception, which rather embarrassed me. Finally, I'd reached the front of the queue, and after less than a minutes, was sent on my way again to the third floor.

James was in the very last room on the corridor, and I had to keep peering into rooms, and apologising if someone saw me. I reached his door though, checked my watch with a scowl, which confirmed that I'd been wandering around for a quarter of an hour, and pushed it open.

The moment James, who was propped up in his bed, on squeaky clean pillows, saw me, his whole face brightened like a lamp bulb, and I couldn't help but smile.

"_Lily..."_ James sighed. "I've been worried sick about you. You all right?"

I started to say angrily that my head hurt, and my legs were aching, and that he could stop smirking at me, when I noticed the cut down his face. It was so raw- it repulsed me, to be honest- seeing that cut etched into his face.

"I'm fine," I said, and suddenly, I _was_ fine. My legs still ached, my head was still spinning, but James smile was just so, ah, happy. No other way to describe it, but it radiated pure, absolute happiness. I sank gratefully onto his bed, my legs almost buckling up beneath me, however, James' smile, despite the horrible cut down his face, made me remember I was alive. "What about you?" I looked nervously again at the cut with flakes of dry blood peeling of it.

"Me?" James said, as if I'd asked a slightly ridiculous question. "Me, I'm bloody brilliant."

"Bloody brilliant?" a doctor inquired, buzzing up to us. "Weren't you, quote, just wanting to die, unquote?"

James looked slightly miffed, though his grin didn't falter. "Lily's alive and she came to visit. I think I'll put off killing myself until she's gone."

"I don't intent to leave you," I said, and swallowed as I realised I'd echoed Penelope's 'I don't intent to die', almost word for word.

"You better not," he said, with conviction.

"Normally, visitors aren't allowed in these wards," the doctor interrupted. "But since your girlfriend seemed to be being far more helpful to you than any medicine, I'll let her stay on medical grounds. For ten minutes!" she added hastily.

"Ten minutes will do," I shrugged. "Though James isn't my boyfriend."

The doctor looked mildly surprised but had already started to tend another bed. Looking around, it was obvious that this ward tended far more serious wounds than mine had.

"Not yet," James replied simply.

I sighed. "Not ever, James."

He looked at my with huge puppy-dog eyes. "That's what you think."

Sometimes, his determination that I would fall for him some day worried me a bit. Actually, it worried me a lot. When I got a husband, found the man I wanted to be with, James would be devastated. It would kill him, and yet, I couldn't fall for him. If I could, I would, but James wasn't anything more than a friend. And every day, he seemed to grow more optimistic about me liking him, and some day, I would have to crush those dreams.

Of course, he might find someone else, but he had chased me for years. I had to stop him hoping, because it was starting to hurt me too, and behind that mask, it must be hurting James too.

I got up to my feet.

"Accept it, it'll never happen," I told him. It came out a lot harsher than I meant it to, and James looked shocked, even, yeah hurt. I glance towards the doctor, and glance away guiltily again. This is going to be really painful for James, and lying in bed with a cut across his face, he really needs some more pain. Yet I can't wait now. I'll tell him it now, yes, in a hospital as he lies to dying, while an old warlock watched on with a dreamy look on his face. Yeah, everyone listening, but I've got to say it now. "I don't love you," I said. "You're a great friend, always helping me out, but you don't want friendship, do you?"

"Well noticed," James said quietly.

"It's- I _can't_ be friends with you, James! I can't!" it burst out, and I know it's the absolute truth.

"And why not?" James said.

It makes me feels like I'm overreacting, because James is all soft-spoken and measured, while I'm half in tears, with my voice rising frantically.

"It's just freaking me out how much you want me," I said.

"So I freak you out." It wasn't a question.

"Dammit, Potter," I muttered, and he flinched, like I'd struck him across the face. "I just, you want romance, I just want to repay you for helping me. You're a great friend, but, oh God, I could never say, 'oh, James, help me, I fancy Olly like hell,' and if you were a friend..."

"Olly Thomas has a girlfriend," James said. "Get over him."

Something flared up inside me then, and I did something I hadn't done for a while.

I slapped him, across the face, where the cut was.

James gave a scream, and his hand leapt to the cut.

"Hypocrite," I snapped. "Get over _me._"

"OUT! OUT!" the doctor come zooming towards us, and physically dragged out. After a few seconds, I didn't struggle any more, but James pushes himself of the bed, though he winced when his leg hit the ground and ran towards me. "Get back in bed!"

"Let me talk to Lily," James said, and limped up to me. I crossed my arms. I had meant it to be a gentle let-down, and it had ended up like this.

"I'm sorry, thank you for saving me from the dementor, but... I've repaid you now," I tell him coolly. The doctor hesitated, standing just between us- and everyone in the ward was sitting up, watching attentively.

"So after that, after you saved my life, you want us to go back to being enemies?" James said.

"No, let's just... not enemies, but just civil."

"After everything?"

"I'm sorry."

James turned away, tears glistening in his eyes.

"I love you, Lily," he said, as if was accusing me.

"I didn't ask you to," I replied defensively, and he scowled.

"Kiss me," James said, stepping forward and placing his hands on my shoulders.

I shook my head, slowly, confusedly.

"Just kiss me," James said. "Or," he put his lips to my ear, and I cringed. "I'll- I'll- tell Olly about you liking him."

I almost laughed, but constrained myself, as I stepped away.

"So I've something to remember," James begged, stepping forward and twining his arms round my waist. "Kiss me. Now."

It was almost threatening, and I admit, I was torn between fright and amusement.

"Sexual harassment?" I said hopefully, and my voice broke into laughter, as I looked at the doctor. She nodded, and grabbed James, pulling him away.

Then I turned, and walked away.

I hadn't intended to leave James, but I had, to help both of us... or maybe it was just me.

I think I would have been supposed to go back to my ward, so I eat a big meal, urgh, but instead I walked out the hospital, and nobody stopped me. Nobody grabbed the pale, red-haired girl walking away in a dream, slamming the Hospital doors shut.


	16. Make-up, Throw-up, and Sirius

Numb. That's a good way to describe it, the cold blankness enveloping me, making my head droop like a wilting flower.

After being thrown about on the Knight Bus, I'm back again, at Hogwarts, the crisp snow disturbed my footprints, occasionally a small group crossing the grounds.

"And is it Lily Evans?" Sirius said, his long, rough black hair as smooth as his voice.

"That's me," I said, turning.

"Argh!" Sirius said, grabbing my sleeve and pulling me into a bench. I leap up again, and wipe the snow off it, but it's already soaked through my robes.

"Thanks, Sirius, I'll now have a wet bum for the rest of the day," I said.

He gave a dog-like laugh. "Anyway, what happened? I don't remember a thing, I was completely pissed! Is Prongs all right?"

"There was a battle, but nobody I knew died." Apart from Penelope. Even though I couldn't exactly say I knew her, I still was grieving over her. I wondered what the man who'd taken James had felt seeing her, dead. "And, as for James...That really depends on your definition of all right," I said. "He's alive, and pretty much well." Only I've hurt him. I did only want him to be happy... and in the long run, I wouldn't make James happy.

"But you've managed to break his heart again," Sirius deduced, rolling his eyes.

"Yep, I have," I said. It strikes me that it's pretty weird that I'm having a conversation with the broken-hearted's best mate- and I can imagine that James will not be pleased.

"What did you do?" Sirius said, with the air of one waiting for the worst to come.

"Well, James was just sort of saying that I would be his girlfriend soon, or something," I said awkwardly. "And, I guess, I just snapped. I slapped him- and yeah."

"Lily, Lily, _Lily,"_ Sirius sighed. "What am I going to do with you?"

"Okay, so I shouldn't have slapped him," I admitted. "But any girl would have freaked out with James being so.. so, like, trying to ask me out every other minute, and determined that I'd fall for him!"

"Actually, Lily," Sirius grinned. "Most girls would blush a lot, before starting a snogging match with him. Although, when James introduced her to me, they might snog me instead."

"Yes, but... well, I told him I couldn't be friends with him, any more," I said, after a moment. "It was just too awkward."

"I take it that you shouted, before you slapped him?" Sirius said, an amused gleam in his grey eyes.

"Not much..." I said. "And, I mean, what would _you _do if some girl you had absolutely no interest was in love with you?"

"I'd shag her, it's easier," Sirius said, and I groaned.

"You're impossible. But, okay, what would you do if, say, Remus told you he was gay and in love with you."

Sirius paled. "You don't think he is, is he? I mean., Remus has never had a girlfriend, and I mean, it's not that hard... like, Peter has had a couple of girlfriends, and I admit he's not the hottest."

"But what would you do?" I pressed on irritably. "If Remus said he loved you."

"I don't know," Sirius said, looking conflicted. "But I'm not gay!" he said brightly, shaking his head. "It's completely different- you could be interested in James, if you gave him a chance."

"You might be bi," I said slyly. "If you gave Remus a chance, you know?"

"Ew," Sirius said, scrunching up his face. "Lily, we're friends. Nothing more, nothing less. Get it?"

"You seem to be denying it a bit too much, really," I said shrewdly, trying not to laugh at Sirius' obvious look of disgust.

"No way," Sirius shook his head furiously. "Just, like, I am not attracted to Remus. Not at all."  
"You should," I hissed, pressing my hand over my mouth to smother the giggles. "Look, just imagine, theoretically, that Remus was gay and in love with you, you should give him a chance. He's a nice guy- and he liked you, and he's helped you out a lot, don't you owe it to him?"

"He isn't really, is he? Gay?" Sirius said, looking mortified.

"No!" I said, and started to laugh. "Not that I know of, anyway."

"I hate you," Sirius spluttered, grabbing a handful of snow of hurling it at me. I dodged, but ended up falling into the snow, which was... cold.

"Anyway!" I said, brushing snow out of my hair. "What I'm saying is that you don't like Remus."

"NO!" Sirius yelled, and chucked another snowball at me. This time it hit me across the face, and, giggling like some crazy first-year, I ducked down and pushed a snowball down the back of his coat. Screaming like an excited girl, Sirius pulled of his snow, and wrestling me into it, pushing me into the ice.

When we had emerged, five minutes later, faces blue with cold, goosebumps breaking out on our skin, teeth chattering and giggling non-stop.

"My point is," I said, brushing away snowflakes from clinging to my t-shirt. "Is that just because Remus likes you, and he's a nice guy, that doesn't mean you're obliged to date him, or that you should fancy him back?"

"Okay, yeah," Sirius said, flopping back on the bench.

"Right, so why should I date James?" I said, sitting down.

"Er, well, er," Sirius said. Yes, Sirius Black was stuttering. I know. "Because you fancy him!" he said hopefully.

"I almost wish I did," I sighed. "But I don't, and I'm never going to like James in that way."

"But you didn't break up with Prongs!" Sirius cried. "I mean, what's wrong with being friend?"

"Would you want to be friends with Remus if he was gay and-."

"Okay, okay, no need to keep repeating that!" Sirius said. "And, I don't know, it might be a bit awkward, but... oh, I don't know what I'd do, stop quizzing me, Lily Evans!"

"Just trying to make you relate," I shrugged. "But the thing is you and Remus are better friends, me and James have a kind of weird relationship."  
"Excuses, excuses," Sirius waved his hand. "Now James will stop me from talking to you, most likely! But, why couldn't you just date him for a bit! It didn't have to be all serious... er, I mean-."

"Yeah, I get it," I said, grinning. "But, well, if James likes me so much, that's just going to hurt him more, right?" I glanced uncertainly at him. "I mean, if I dated him, but never really felt anything for him... when we broke up...?"

"Fine, I take your point," Sirius said. "But, what's wrong with friends?"

"When did this turn into a full out, er, debate about whether I should date, or be friends with James? But, anyway-."  
"You're going to continue the "debate"?" Sirius said, making quote marks around the word debate, and smirking.

"I'm just going to say, do you really James would like being friends with his love interest, when she doesn't like him that way?" I asked.

Sirius groaned. "Fine! You win! You are the God of debates, and you shouldn't be friends with James! I get it. Yay!"

"Are we still friends, then?" I asked, only half-jokingly, after a moments pause.

Emotion flicked over his grey eyes, and he produced a bottle of the amber liquid.

"I'd have thought you'd have learnt something about drinking now," I said exasperatedly.

"But I'm addicted," Sirius said, and I realised that he had now avoided answering my question.

"Well, I'm going to change my robes," I said. I didn't blame Sirius; it was only loyalty to his best friend, really.

#########################

Sirius might have admitted that I'd 'won', but I felt more guilty than ever. Honestly, I had broken it off with James for the reasons that I'd told Sirius, but also because it freaked me out. Over the last few days, I had started to see absolute adoration in James' eyes, when he looked at me, and he was constantly doing things for me. Did I want a boy who played hard to get? I didn't know, really- no, I don't think I did, but I wanted a boy who loved me the same amount as I loved him.

And I think I wanted the same in a friend. How could I casually hang out with a boy who insisted on flirting? Sometimes I wish I'd never given James a chance.

Just then, a girl with crinkled black hair came, and huge blue glasses walked by... with the boy with floppy brown hair. It took me a second to recognise them, because Aria and Nathan weren't shouting at each other. Hell, they weren't even bickering.

"Lily!" Nathan charged up to me, and flung his arms round my neck. "God, Lily, I was worried sick about you."  
"Yeah, same," said Aria, with a cautious smile.

"Hi, Aria," I said, grinning a bit awkwardly.

"You survived?" she asked.

"Well, I'm here."

Aria paused, then grabbed me, and looked up, her blue eyes behind the glasses filling with tears. "Oh, Lily, I'm- I'm really, really so-."

I had hoped for days she would apologise for not taking a joke, or something, but when she was about to, suddenly I found I didn't care one bit.

"Forget it," I said brightly. "Sorry for laughing at you."

"Nah, it was funny," Aria said and pulled me into a hug again.

When we broke away, I felt lighter and happier than I had in days.

#########################

"Lily Evans!"

Madame Pomfrey came bustling towards me, looking worried. "I heard you survived some dreadful battle thing! Honestly. And what were you doing in Hogsmeade, anyway?"

I had completely forgotten that I hadn't been allowed to the village, despite James' lies, and I swallowed, deciding to ignore the last question. "It was terrible," I said, instead. "I'd heard about the death eaters from the papers, of course, but I'd never expected them to be so... I don't they, it was terrible," I repeated, hoping to distract her.

"I'm surprised St. Mungo's didn't contact me," she said, reaching towards a drawer. "They said that they would floo before they released you-."  
"Oh, did they?" I said, brightly. "Well, it's a busy place, particularly with the world being in the state it is. They must have forgot."

"Disgraceful," she sniffed. "Well, are you all right? Have some chocolate?"

I cringe and shake my head wildly. "No, _thank_ you."

"I insist!" she said, and from nowhere, produces a large bar of milky chocolate. I can only stare at it, appalled.

She's glaring so fiercely at me, that I stuff the thing down my throat, before running for it again- and I'm disgusted at myself. How many calories does it contain? How fattening is it? I can't believe after all my dieting, I have this amount of stuff control. I'm pathetic, and I want to throw up.

It's then the idea hits me in a wave, and I blinked, horrified. I never thought I'd sink to that... making myself throw up, but the more I think, the better the idea seemed. Yes, it seemed slightly deranged, but, well, I had to.

The nearest bathroom is Moaning Myrtle's, which might not be the pleasantest, but I don't want anyone to see me.

Not for the first time this year, it's flooded. As I pick my away through the water, frankly disgusted, Myrtle appeared, "who is it?" she said, dramatically, dabbing at her eyes. "Why does everyone have to _disturb _me!"

"Sorry, sorry," I said, heading towards a deserted- but still flooded cubical, and pushing two fingers down my throat. That's supposed to make you puke, right? I remember, as a kid, trying to do that, to miss a day off school, but I stopped as my fingers slid into my throat. It doesn't feel right... my throat has gone bumpy, and my tongue is scissoring my two fingers between the top of my mouth. It's wet, and as I pull them, covered in wet brown chocolate, out I double up, as something lurches inside me. And then I throw up.

"Oooh," Myrtle said, floating in beside me, her eyes wide. "That's _aw_ful."

"Shut up," I muttered, and she zoomed forward, shoving her face into mine.

"Shut up!" she repeated, looking terrorized. "Shut up!"

"No, I didn't mean that..." I sighed. "Don't shut up..."

"Everyone wants me to shut up," Myrtle wailed. "It's always, shut up, go away, nobody likes meeee."

"That's not true," I lied, starting to hurriedly picking my way across again. "Er, I like you."

She turned her face on me, but I'd reached the door, now, and was running for it, again. These days, I seemed to be endlessly running away.


	17. Aria Nathan Gillian Tyler loads of OCS

**A/N: It's been a few days since I updated, and the update rate is only going to get slower now I'm back at school. And... I'll ruin it for you, there's no James in this chapter.**

"You ran out."

Eyes wide, I turned towards Moody, my heart sinking into my shoes. I wanted to say that I'm sorry, but somehow the words have dried up in my throat, and I can only look pleadingly up at him.

"Can't be scared," he said. "Can't be crazy. You need to learn to stay not to run away."

I discover my voice again, and said, "I normally can stick my ground. Just- I hate dementors. I just hate them."

"Then that's the test, isn't it?" Moody growled. "Whether you can stay when you want to run out crying again. Next time you do, you can leave for good."

He stomped away, and Gillian turned on me, a nasty smile on his face. "You ran out crying, Evans?" he repeated, delightedly. "You _ran out crying?_"

All of a sudden, I'm striding toward him, drawing out my wand, and pushing him back against the wall, wand at his throat.

"What the- let me go-?" Gillian started to say, reaching for his wand, but I push his hand away, and slap him hard against the face. He squealed, his hand leaping to his cheek, where it stayed a bright pink against his pale face.

"You might think that your Lord Almighty because you're a couple years older," I told him quitely, my wand still pinning against the wall. "But we're on the same level, now. What is it, are you jealous?"

He, if possible, paled even more. "That's ridiculous," he spluttered. "Jealous of _you!_ Yeah, right!"

"Well, it sure looks like it," I snapped, and walked away, leaving Gillian fuming at the mouth. Turning round, I saw the whole group, including Moody, was goggling at us, and grinning nervously, I shoved my wand back into pocket, and said, "er, did I stop the lesson? Um, just ignore that, uh, outburst."

A boy with sleek, black hair gave me an amused look as he sidled up to me. "Temper matches your hair, right?" he said, laughing quietly to himself.

"Afraid so," I replied, chuckling too. "Can be quite a fire-breathing dragon if you get too close."

"I'm terrified," the boy- Tyler- said.

"Should be," I said, but then Moody, who glared intently at Gillian, and then at me, limped over, and the session began.

I neither excelled, not failed. We were at duelling again, and I had been paired with the Tyler boy this time, and I felt that he wasn't really trying. All the time, I felt tired, and, though I pushed myself harder and harder, my legs hurt, and the spells coming from my wand seemed to only hit Tyler when he actually stood there, pitying me. Although he wasn't the best, I knew he was trying to let the duel be an even fight, Tyler won, again and again, without breaking a sweat.

Moody's eyes were on me, and looked disappointed. I saw Gillian get hexed while he stared sneeringly at me, before he snapped back into his duel, a cold, angry look on his face.

"You can duel better than this," Tyler said, incredulously, after he had casually thrown me against the wall for the fifth time. "I saw the fight you put up against that arse Gillian, and you were better than me!"

"Guess you've improved then," I painted, doubling up, holding my sides which were killing me with stitch. I understood now, why Moody thought you needed to be fit to duel, because I forced to lunge in every direction as Tyler tossed jinxes at me, looking rather embarrassed at how easily he beat me.

"Um, yeah, maybe," Tyler said, dropping his wand to his side.

I think we both knew that I was worse- and I didn't know what 'fight' I'd put up against Gillian in our duel. He had smashed me to the ground.

In a way, I hated this session even more than the first one. Tyler kept seeming to think I was playing some clever trick, and any moment, I would leap up, spells flying from my wand, and he's be thrown backwards. I did try to regain myself, but I couldn't, and Tyler cautious air just made me feel worse.

When the session had dragged to a stop, I didn't immediately run out. I was tired, hungry, and defeated, but I had a dream. I needed to be an auror. Straight away, I headed for Moody, but he snorted as I came near, and vanished. Somehow, I needed to learn to conjure a patronus, and if Moody wouldn't help me, then I'd find another way.

"Er, Tyler," I said, hurrying to catch up with him.

"That's me," he said, seeming more relaxed once we weren't duelling any more. Naturally- and he grinned mischievously at me.

I responded with a quick smile, which slid into a frown. "You know last session I couldn't conjure I patronus?" I said.

"Oh." He looked at the floor. "Yeah, your boyfriend helped out, didn't he?"

"James isn't a boyfriend," I sighed. "But, yeah, James did."

"I bet you could do it normally, though" Tyler said brightly. "That git Gillian was really helping you, wasn't he?"

Why do I need to be 'helped'? Because I'm a girl? Because I'm a mess? Which one?

"I hate Gillian," I said instead.

"Well, didn't you show him!" Tyler burst out. "He deserves it, Gillian does, all the way! He thinks he's so cool, he needs his head deflating, like he thinks everyone here should bow down to him, just because he's couple years older, honestly! And, you know, he isn't even as brainy as he makes out, you know, he failed his OWLs; my sister was in the same year as him, she heard."

"Failed his OWLs?" I asked. "Like..."

"Got _one_ OWL," Tyler smirked. "Had to work like hell not to be kicked out. Dunno why he wasn't really. Not like anyone wanted him around."

I started to agree with him, although I felt a bit uncomfortable, when someone elbowed past me- a horse-faced, snobbish, blond boy.

"Damn it," Tyler muttered, under his breathe. "He heard."

"I know," I said, watching him go, feeling a dawning sense of horror.

"He'll hate us after this, you know," Tyler said.

"We should go after him," I decided suddenly, shaking my red hair off my shoulder and running after him. Tyler was staring at me like I was mad, and shook his head determinedly before backing after. I giggled beside myself, and ran after Gillian, hoping he be too angry, though, seeing as I did it myself and he'd just heard me and Tyler insulting him, I couldn't exactly blame him.

I burst into a full out run, still giggling for no reason, push past a curtain and ran smash into Gillian, who pushed me hard away from him.

"What do you think you're doing, Evans!" he shouted, his face contorting with rage.

"Don't bite my head off!" I snapped back, and sighed the moment I said it. "Er, sorry."  
"What for?" Gillian said.

"Just, um, everything," I said, lifting up my hands as if I was surrendering. "That scene earlier, too. Yeah, course you're not jealous."

Gillian looked shrewdly at me for a few seconds then said quietly. "I not _jealous._"

"I know!"

"Just, well," Gillian swallowed. "Er, sorry, I know I haven't been the easiest to get on with."  
"Understatement of the century," I joked awkwardly, and suddenly, when Gillian gave a roar of laughter, we were... well, I wouldn't say we were enemies any more. Not exactly friends either, but we'd shared a laugh, and it wasn't all awkward any more.

"Yeah, you're right," Gillian said thoughtfully. "It's just, well, I guess I didn't think you deserved to be there. I mean, you are only a-."  
"School kid," I finished. "How often do you need to say it?"

"And I'm five years out of Hogwarts!" Gillian exploded. "And they put me in a group with some seventeen year old!"

I'm not exactly sure whether that's a joke or not, but I laughed anyway. "I'm a very precocious school kid... but I'm legally a adult now, so we're on the same grounds, really."

"Not really," Gillian said coolly. "Your biggest problem right now is homework. Me, I go to night training, and holiday training while having to hold down a job. So, no offence, I'm kind of mad when some arrogant bookworm school-girl appears in the same group as me, just breezing through life, and in the same group as me..."

That I couldn't tolerate. "Um, _no_," I corrected. "I do not breeze through life. At all. I study. A lot."

Gillian shrugged. "I study more, Evans, I swear."

"Maybe," I said dubiously. "But I do-."  
"Yeah, Olly told me you study loads," Gillian said.

"Well, I-." Then I broke off, gaping at him, as The Name rings in my head. "Olly? _Olly Thomas?"_

Gillian glanced at me, and said irritably, "yes, Olly Thomas, my brother."

"Oh, my... But that can't make sense!" I said desperately. I don't want my crush, my blond boy Olly with his heart-melting grin to be related to him. They can't be. "His surname is Thomas, and yours is Gillian! How did that work?"

Gillian cocked an eyebrow again, and drawled. "I meant, my half-brother. I took my mother's surname, and Olly is on my father's side. Though all my father's children are 'Gillian-Reeds'."

"Oh. You must have loads of siblings," I said, just for something to say.

"Oh, yes, I do," Gillian said. "On my mother and Thomas' children are: Johnny, Olly, Anna, Mable, and Matt. Father and Reed's are: Shiny, Berry, and Shay. Oh, and the baby, what's his name, Handsome."

"Wow," I said blankly. "I have one sister, and she's bad enough. Don't you have any whole siblings?"

Gillian shook his head coldly. "Mother and Father didn't mean to have me, things just went to far at a party." There's something dull and rehearsed in the way he says it, like he's repeated it too many times. "You don't know you lucky you are with just one! Oh, you might think it's torture, but you're spoilt rotten, Evans, I bet."

"No, I'm not," I snapped. "If anyone rotten, it's you."

I slapped him in the face, hard, and stomped away, shaking with anger.

####################

My meeting with Gillian has done nothing to improve my mood. I knew that I should be practising my patronus, or exercising, but I ended up slumped in the chair next to Nathan, who had pulled his chair forward, as he bickered with Aria, blocking me out of the conversation. Annabell smiled warmly at me, as she applied make-up on her friend, but it seemed way too girlie, and I couldn't be bothered. James and Sirius were no where to be seen- not that I cared, since I was done with James, done!

It hurt me, just a bit, though, that he took me words literally. He'd been asking me out for years, and I'd been telling him to bog off, and he just smirked, before... he'd ask me out.

Yes, I had told him I couldn't be friends with him, but that didn't mean that he couldn't flop down beside me, rumpling up his hair. Having buckets of confidence, and a kind of bounce up again arrogance had it's upsides- for me!

True, he bothered me relentlessly, but I could count on him to be there, annoying, teasing, flirting, whatever I said. Now, finally, I'd got my wish, and...

"OY, LILY!"

"Argh!" I jumped lightly, and swivelled round to see Nathan and Aria, looking at me expectantly. "Er, yes?"

"_I'm_ supposed to be the dreamer," Aria sighed. "Lily, it's Christmas in two days! Two days!"

"It is?" I squeaked. I had been so caught up in my auror course, and becoming fit, I'd had little thought for anything else, let alone fiddling around with presents. Yet it would be considered discourteous if I didn't give at least Nathan and Aria presents, plus my parents, and Petunia. And, guess what, I had done absolutely zero Christmas shopping.

For me, shopping had always been more of a duty than fun- and the last few years I had found a better way than shopping. Not that I'd ever tell anyone who I gave the presents to, but it was a whole lot easier- and cheaper- to use my outstanding transfiguration skills. Later today, I'd transfigure some presents.

"Yes, and James and Sirius are doing a Christmas party, tomorrow," Nathan informed me. "There won't be so many people there, since it's the holidays, so you. Have. to. Come."

"No... I can't," I muttered.

I didn't want to be around food, alcohol, and worse still, James. I'd told him I wasn't friends with him anymore, what was he doing invited me to parties? Though, thinking about it, he probably just invited Nathan and friends. He'd probably be all awkward, and angry if I turned up. So I wouldn't.

"_Lily!"_

"I'm going to lose the 'dreamer' title," Aria said. "Oh, Lily, you're stealing it!"

"You don't want to come?" Nathan rolled his eyes when I nodded sheepishly. "What will we do with you?"

"I'm okay as I am, thanks," I said.

"I have a different opinion on _that_," Nathan said. "But whateves."

"Hey!" I laughed, throwing a pencil at Nathan's head.

"Yeah, gimme a mince pie," he said, as the pencil bounced of his head.

I froze. "I don't give mince pies to people who-." I started to say, my voice dry, but chucked the pencil back, leant across me and snatched up the box. "Want one?"

"No," I said quickly. It was terrifying how much a part food seemed to play in social life, now that I couldn't eat. Nathan picked out the raisins, making a face, as he put them on the side of his plate, and suddenly, quite suddenly, I was starving.

I wanted to eat a mince pie more than anything. Seeing my indecision, Nathan wafted it under my nose...

he was making it _harder_ for me

oh, god, I wanted to eat it

was that so bad, really?

I didn't give in, instead I jumped to my feet, shaking my head, and hurried away, trying to mutter an excuse, feeling shaken inside. I couldn't believe I thought that.


	18. Letters

**A/N: Sorry I published this twice. I just realised I'd given Lily's dad the same name as her friend, Nathan, which would be confusing.**

_Dear Mum and Dad,_

_I wish I could be with you! But I really need to study! I've told you how a want to be a magical policewomen, haven't I, well, my training's getting really serious now, and I study a lot. I hope that I'll pass my tests very soon, in just a week. I'm so nervous about my tests, but I expect I'll scrape through. I will have to work very hard to, studying all the time._

_James- I've told you loads about him- was being incredibly irritating at the moment, practically harassing me. For a bit, he was actually all right, almost nice, but he was just so suggestive all the time, that I've stopped talking to him. It's seems he's finally given up on me too- he hasn't spoken to me for days. I miss him, a bit, but I'm ever so glad he's over me! Phew!_

_I've just bought Aria and Nathan, my best friends, presents. I hope you like the clock, I know how the old one smashed. I hope you have a very merry Christmas, and, don't worry, I haven't told Petunia (!), that the boyfriend of hers isn't too miserable and boring._

_Lots and lots of love from your daughter,_

_Lily_

_Dear Lily,_

_The clock was simply darling, and it looks beautiful over the mantelpiece. Please don't study to much, remember you're not even an adult yet, do have fun. I miss you ever so much, Lily, and I hope you pass your tests. Petunia is slightly mad at you, because she saw your letter, and the bit about Vernon, oh, he isn't that bad!_

_I've got a new job by the way, a computer programmer in a hospital. It's brilliant, arranging the files, actually helping people!_

_And what's this about a young man called James? Are you sure you don't fancy him, just a bit, Lily... you haven't actually told me anything about him, I expect details when you come home. If you do start dating him, remember not to do anything you don't want to, however much he harasses you!_

_Love from,_

_Your mum_

_Mum,_

_Don't worry, I can stand up to James, if we did start dating, which is, by the way, a remote impossibility. And James wouldn't use me, he isn't like that, though he is a git. An utter git, I couldn't fancy if my life depended on._

_I'm not overworking, or anything, I'll be fine. And, Mum, I _am_ an adult in the wizarding world, so I can manage myself, and I won't work to hard. Promise!_

_Love,_

_Lily_

_Lily,_

_Petunia threw a fit, seeing your letter. Quite honestly, a fit. Glowered at us for hours, threatened to move out and live with that walrus- which would teach her quickly to appreciate her family. When I accidentally called him 'walrus'. But he is, that name's spot on! I think she's only with him to piss us off._

_Your dear mother wishes me to tell you not to shag that James. He is Potter, right? When did he become James? Personally, I think you should just make sure you use a condom_

_And do not fear, your present is in the package. Rebecca choose it, she thought you should have something girlie._

_John_

_Dad,_

_I DO NOT FANCY JAMES POTTER! I WILL NOT HAVE SEX WITH HIM! WITH A CONDOM OR NOT!_

_Sorry about Petunia. And tell Mum thanks for the dress and the chocolates._

_Lily._

_Lily,_

_Let's me get one thing straight with you, sister. Don't you dare go bitching around with the parents about Vernon. Just because you are a stupid witch, flicking your wand and having everything done with unnatural forces and stuff. Your lot are weirdos, and this James is another, just as bad as you, I expect._

_I'm moving out soon. Vernon proposed. Don't even think of coming to the wedding. I shall be so glad to get away from you freaks, I don't my wedding marred by you._

_Petunia._

To Miss L. M. Evans,

I am sure you are aware that your appointment at Saint Mungo's was cut short, after you unceremoniously left without permission. As you are officially an adult and it is thought that you weren't in immediate risk, we shall let this go without contacting your parents and/or guardians at the moment. However we would like to remind you that your disappearance caused much worry and fright. Should you ever be residing at Saint Mungo's again, please be more considerate.

Healer Elisia Larger-Smith.


	19. Not hot, not crying

"Pull yourself together!" I hissed, frantically to myself rubbing my eyes. "For God's sake, stop crying!"

There were tears welling in my eyes, pricking up me, and one broke past my eyes, as I blinked and rolled down my cheek.

I grabbed Petunia's letter, and began to tear at it, ripping it again and again, till it was a pile of confetti at my feet. Although me and Petunia hadn't been the best of friends, for years and years, her angry, hate-filled little letter was still so, so _shocking_.

People had said far worse things to my face; I convinced myself it was because of jealousy over my grades and Head-Girl-ship, or because of Potter's adoration. _Petunia_ had said far worse things to my face. Just- I didn't know why really.

Stop crying. Stop crying. Stop crying.

I picked up the biggest piece of the letter, and set it on fire. There was a moment, when it crackled a dancing blue flame, then the fire went out, and the paper was just a smouldering black ball of ash. As I picked it up, squeaking slightly feeling it burn my hand, the paper disintegrated, ran through my fingers, just tiny sand-sized black dust.

Proudly, I repeated it, till I was sitting amongst a pile of ash, and dried owl dropping. Each time a tear slid down my face, it mingled with the ash, drawing the tear tracks on my face.

There was something deadly satisfying about having cried, ripped the letter, burnt the letter.

Just then, the door of the owlery creaked open, and I went a terrible shade of scarlet. Although it felt good to sit here, there was no way I wanted anyone seeing me like this. But it was too late.

A little Indian Ravenclaw girl, with straggly black hair and big eyes came in, and gaped at me.

"Oh, hi," I said, giving a little fake wave.

"You-you're Head Girl, aren't you?" she said, holding out her letter like a peace offering.

"Er, yep," I said, getting quickly to my feet. "Do I look a mess?"

She swallowed looking unsure what to say, then gave a small, nervous nod, her eyes flitting around the room.

"Good," I said brightly.

"Good?"

"Yeah, I'm trying to get James Potter to fall out of love with me," I said. "And if he saw me looking very un-sexy, then-."

"Oh, I see," the little brunette Ravenclaw said, comprehension dawning on her face. Wait, she believed me? "You don't like him then?"

"Like James Potter?" I scoffed, feeling somehow like I was betraying him. "No way on earth."

"Well, he is starting to stop fancying you," the girl prattled eagerly. "He's dating Annabell Jones, you know."

It was like someone had hit me hard in the stomach. I was completely winded. "How do you know?" I said, aware that I was being rude but unable to stop myslef. "You're, what, twelve?"

"Fourteen," the girl corrected. "And, since no one I like in my year's staying, keeping up with seventh year gossip is just a cure for boredom."

"Well, you've got it wrong!" I said. "James doesn't like Annabell, and Annabell doesn't like James! They're not together."

"Jealous much?" the girl said quietly, raising an eyebrow. "And, I saw them snogging earlier today so..."

"Liar," I snapped. "Get OUT!"

She backed away, blinking. "Out of the school?" she whimpered.

"No, my sight," I breathed. "And fifty points from Ravenclaw."

Was that too harsh? Her mouth fell open in horror, as she backed into the door, and said, in a shaking voice, "b-but Ravenclaw was in the lead... they'll _lose_ now."

"I-." I tried to tell her that she deserved it, but my voice broke. "Fine."

"You shouldn't do that," she said crisply. "You'd think, as Head Girl, you wouldn't abuse your power like that. Being appointed as Head Girl, the teachers are trusting you, and you are putting the house which was in the lead, towards the bottom, so we're in with a fair chance of losing. I find that disgusting, personally."

The black girl said this very fast, and crossed her arms over her chest when she finished.

Something about her earnest, angry speech reminded me... of myself, a few years back.

"Fifty points to Ravenclaw," I said after a moment, and her black eyes lit up. "It's not your fault."

"About what exactly?" she said brightly, putting head to one side.

"Uh, nothing," I said, shrugging, and she gave a small smile. "What's your name, by the way?"

"Natasha," she said, blinking a couple of times, speaking very clearly and loudly.

"Well, I'm Lily Evans," I told her.

"Yes, yes, I know that," she said quickly. "Professor Flitwick has told me about you. Apparently, you're the best at charms in the school, and you're going to become an auror. I want to be an auror too, it seems like by far the best job. It's truly useful, and it proper profession, very tricky, of course, to become one, but I'll rise to the challenge all right."

I look at her, eyes widening slightly. She'll rise to the challenge? She has no idea.

"Are you going to be a proper auror soon, Lily?" she finished.

"I-, oh, my," I gave a snort of laughter at her second fast, furious speech. "Already forgiven me."

"Well, I've wanted to speak to you for a while," Natasha said. "And since you've given the points back, I don't hold grudges."

Maybe she'll less like me, I thought with a wiry smile. I certainly do hold grudges.

"At least not against people like you."

"Like me?" I asked.

"Head Girl, new auror, perfect girl," she rattled off. I gaped.

Head Girl... yeah, I guess. New auror... still the tests, which the closer they come, the more menacing they seem... Perfect girl... no way on earth.

"Uh, no," I said, shaking my head. "No, no."

"Whatever," she said. "So what's it like? Being an auror in training. I want to know, ready for the days when I'm auror in training too."

"It's..." I search around for something good to say about it. "It's really... it's really..."

_Gillian, dementors, being told I need to be fitter, humiliated, losing duels against everyone..._

"Really hard," I settled for, after a moment.

"Hard?" she repeated, hanging on to my every word.

"Hard... hard work," I said, nodding forcefully.

"I don't mind hard work," she said and grinned, showing her shining white teeth, contrasting against her dark skin. "I want to just like you."

My hand jumps towards the streaks of ash still running down my face, and she shrugged. "I do."

No, you don't. You really don't.

######################

I shook Natasha off, after leaving the owlery, and vigorously wash the ash off in the prefects bathroom. After that, I ducked round, and stood in the hallway debating whether to confront James or not- but my reasoning was cut short as James and Sirius rounded the corner.

"Oh... hi, you two," I said, and James froze as his eyes rested on me.

"Lily," he sighed. "What do you want?"

"What do I want?" I huffed angrily. "Can't I just talk to you? Seeing as we're _friends_."  
"We're friends," James said solidly. "Change your mind a lot, don't you."

"She has red hair," Sirius said. "Red haired people must change their mind loads. And be bad-tempered."

"Thank you," I said sarcastically, and glared at James. "What do you mean by that, James?" I said, my voice rising, unable to bar the hurt from it.

"Well, less than a week ago, you were telling me you never wanted to speak to me again," James said. "That seems to imply, oh, I don't know, that we aren't friends!"

"I didn't say that," I said, through gritted teeth. "I said, well, I said-."

"Exactly that?"

"Why are you being like this?" I burst out.

"Like what?" James said, stony-faced.

"So...so cold and- and _horrible_!" I said, my voice rising nearly to a yell.

"You can talk," Sirius said, and I swivelled round to look at me. He had been lolled against the wall, smirking lazily, but when I turned to look at him, he stretched, like a cat, and went to stand shoulder to shoulder with James, looking angry and defensive. "When are you not cold, and horrible, as you put it, Lily? When you throw temper tantrums-."  
My mouth dropped open, and I looked at James. "You told-."

He shrugged, and my heart plummeted. Traitor.

"-and slap us, or just when you ignore us?"

I ignored Sirius, but stared at James. "So you told him? Boasted how you gave me a talking to?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Sirius said loudly.

"Lily," James said, sighing slightly. "I didn't tell Sirius. I just re-used one of his phrases?"

"So you often talk about what a bitch I am."

"Lily," Sirius said, as James began to splutter. "You're right. We do. But it's totally justified- and a lot of your actions don't seem to be at all. And if you think we were 'cold and horrible' the last few days, do look at yourself."

I really, really want to wave him away, but the words stick in my throat. Now both Sirius and James have told me what they thought- and last time, it seemed it did me no good. I search the tiles on the fall, my eyes roaming over the dust, completely unable to think of a good comeback.

"S-sorry," I said finally. "Really, yeah, sorry."

Sirius and James exchanged glances, and this time James spoke. "So, so you want me to just take you back?"

My eyes are filling with tears and right now, I just don't understand. The James I knew would jump on me if I every suggested friendship, or more. Not that I did... but he'd accept apologies. Always. He's smitten.

"Take me back?" I said, my voice cracking. "We were never dating."

"I meant as friends," James said.

Then I lift my eyes from the floor, and look at him. Like me, he's looking away, but towards Sirius, who's giving him little nods of encouragement. I get it then. Sirius has been convincing James not to go near me, and for once, it seemed to have hit home.

"You're refusing to be friends," I asked, slightly incredulously.

James cast another glance at Sirius, and then looked, almost longing back at me. Sirius made a strange snorting noise, and whispered something in his ear, and this James looked back at me, face set.

"Yeah, I am. And it was you who started it."  
I suddenly wondered how it turned into this, me pleading for friendship and James turning me down.

"That's good," I said, breathlessly.

"Good?" James said.

"Well, it's not like I have any interest in being your friend," I said.

James mouth fell.

And then Sirius pushed past him, and punched me in the face.

"A taste of your own medicine," he said, as I let out a yell, breathing heavily into my face.

The fall slid beneath me, and I stumbled backwards, hands over my nose, and I'm seeing stars again. Just for a moment, though, because next second, the world swims into focus, and I'm collapsed in a heap on the fall, Sirius standing awkwardly beside me, James grabbing at my hand.

"What the fuck?" is the first thing I said, sitting up, hand still pressed over my bleeding nose. "Was that?"

"I... you..."  
"Fainted, I know," I said, scrambling to my feet. "Episkey," I added, grabbing my wand and pressing it to my nose. For a moment, it felt very hot, then cold, before straightening.. fixed.

"I didn't punch you hard!" Sirius protested. "I dunno why you fainted!"

It was dawning on me, McGonagall's words echoing round my head. Anorexia. Anorexia.

"And you punched me, why?" I asked quietly.

"I- well-." Sirius trailed away, looking furious.

"Lily, are you all right?" James said quietly. He still hadn't let go of my hand. For some reason, I didn't shake it off.

"Yes," I hissed.

He swallowed, then cracked a small smile. "So... wanna go out with me?"

"No!" I said, shaking his hand away now. "I do not!"

He gave a wryly grin, and stepped away.

"What about Annabell?" I reminded him.

"We're just having fun," James said.

"Sure."

"Sure." He raised an eyebrow.

"Sure?"

"Sure."

"Why are you glaring at each other, and just repeated, sure?" Sirius asked.

"It's romantic," James said. "Our way of saying we love each other."

"I thought you were refusing to be friends."

James laughed. "Sure, I was, Lil. Sure."

"You're impossible!" I yelled. "Just, you- and you, Sirius- fuck off, okay! Got it?"

I ran for it again. Yet again.

#######################################

"I hate him, I hate him, I bloody well I hate him!" I half screamed, pummelling the sofa.

"You said," Nathan and Aria said together.

"Well, I do," I said, scowling.

"That's nice," Aria commented.

I groaned.

"You know, though," she said thoughtfully. "I thought you were falling for him. You kept staring at him."

There's something about the way she says it which is so honest and straight forward, I almost believe it. Dammit, I hope I haven't.

"No way."

"Well, he's hot enough," Aria said vaguely.

"Potter? Hot?" I shrieked. "No way."

"He's tall, with strong cheek bones," Aria said, like she was talking about the weather. "And his naturally messy hair looks cool."

"Naturally?" I snorted. "He messes it up!" I'd never noticed the cheekbones though.

"Good eyes too, hazel like melted chocolate."  
"Hazel like melted chocolate?" I spluttered. "Why not rotten pairs?"

"Sounds more romantic," Aria admitted. "You _could_ say hazel like rotten pairs, they're the same colour."

"I'll take the rotten pairs," Nathan said loudly.  
"I'd take melted chocolate," Aria replied. "Plus, he's sporty, and quite muscular and tall."

"He's not _that_ good-looking," Nathan interrupted. "I mean, he's- he's- well, you don't _fancy_ him, do you?" he finished, sounding quite aggressive.

"No, he's a bit too whorish, and loud-mouthed, for me," Aria decided. "But he's _hot._"

"Not much," Nathan said hastily, then lowering his voice by several decibels added, "how am I on the whore and loud-mouthed scale, eh?"

"A bit," Aria shrugged. "But I've nothing against whores, or loud-mouths."

"Oh," Nathan said. "So I'm whorish."

"Bit."

Nathan gave a small nod. "Annabell and that Lucie girl were my only girlfriends."

"Party flings."

"Oh, yeah."

Standing up, I walked slowly away, pondering what Aria said. Potter... hot?

His face swims into my mind, quite easily. I see a small, teasing smile on his face. It becomes smugger as he tries not to laugh, and he bites down on his tongue, which sticks out just an inch. And he does have high, strong cheekbones, and a tanned brown hair which goes nicely with the mass of messy black hair on his head, which flops about as he talks. Then there's his glasses, smudged and un-wiped, with thick black frames, giving him a slightly dorky look. Behind his glasses, his eyes are sparkling. They're not dark, you can definitely see the deference between the pupils and the iris. It's not exactly melted chocolate, it's lighter, brighter than chocolate... it's like a shining brown sun setting on a stormy day...

Oh. My. God.

It's like a shining brown sun setting on a stormy day? Throw up, please. When it's a stormy day, you can't even see the sun, idiot. And how does a sun setting look different from a sun at any other time, apart from it's colour, and as I'm imagining brown, when sun's aren't brown, why don't I miss out the setting bit. Or just never think that horrible, clichéd thought again. Ever.

Besides, his friends punched me. He's arrogant, and dating Annabell Jones. Not hot. At all.


	20. In the Forest

**A/N: Sorry I published a duplicate of the last chapter a few minutes earlier, it's been replaced now. No idea how I managed to do that, but oh well...**

**(slightly belated) Disclaimer: Nope, don't own Harry Potter. Wish I did. This counts for the whole story!**

"Lily," a voice- one which I seemed to have come to know annoyingly well- said behind me. "Look... can we talk?"

Talk. It's a nice verb, it just means "verbal communication". But accompanied by that weary sigh, and James' serious expression, it meant I was in for a long, painful discussion.

While I was hesitating, James grabbed at my arm, by hand tightening around it, and physically dragged me away.

"James!" I snapped, and started to slap at his arm, but stopping suddenly. If we were going to get into a furious argument again, there was no need for me to hand him the 'throw up tantrum' trump.

He let me go, so abruptly I staggered back. "Hear me out, please, okay?" he said quietly. "Please, Lily."

"I-." I wanted to tell him that I never wanted to go near him again, I really did, but just then I realised I was staring into him eyes. For once, they weren't twinkling, by wide and hopeful. He reminded me, almost forcible, of a puppy dog begging for a biscuit. Only... I glanced again, quickly at his eyes. They were brown. Actually a kind of nice brown. It was so hard to see though, with his thick glasses blurring them, dulling the colours.

"Lily?"

I jerked back into reality. "Yes?"

"I was saying," he said. "We really, really need to talk, Lily, please don't..."

"Fine, then, whatever," I said, wondering miserably whether he was expecting me to refuse, to yell at him. From the look of surprise that flitted over his face, I think so. Actually, I'm surprised he's bothering to talk to me at all, since I'm so angry, and ugly and fat.

"That's great, Lily flower!"

"It's Lily," I grumbled, but allowed him to drag me out into the grounds, and the wind beats against my face, disturbing me hair.

"Sure, Lily flower," he grinned. "Come on, let's go somewhere private."  
"Private?" I said, sniffing suspiciously. "You're not going to rape me, are you?"

"Nah. Forest?"

I tried again to stop my hair flying across my hair, but stopped dead. "The forbidden forest?"

"Yeah."

I groaned loudly. "James, it's called the forbidd-."  
Rolling his eyes, James dropped his bag to the floor, and produced a long silvery thing, and flung it round my shoulders. Half expecting a prank, I thrashed out.. but found that:

"Where are you, James?"

"Here," a voice said right next to me, and an arm slid round my waist. Squealing, I grabbed at it, and heard a chuckle as the hands grabbed mind. "Just invisible, and so are you."  
"What the hell?" I said, looking sharply down at my legs- or at least where my legs should have been. Only they weren't. It made me stomach churn, looking down at nothing but damp grass, just a pair of disembodied eyes.

"Invisibility cloak," James said, sounding pleased with himself. "Like it?"

"No, it's freaking me out." I remembered now, James showing it me, when we were about to go to Hogsmeade,

"Huh, if you wanna be freaked out," James said, half playfully, half warningly. If I'd been able to see him, I would aimed a blow at his face.

"I do no-."

For the second time, James interrupted me, and I shrieked. I was being lifted off my feet. Although I couldn't see, I feel the ground jerking beneath me, and sliding away, and I trashed out, and this time my hand connected with James' chest. He stumbled back, the invisibility cloak falling to the floor, and I realised he was holding me up, just a few centimetres from the ground. I continued to cling to him- I don't know why- and James fell back, winded, onto the grass. And because I was still clutching at him, my feet off the ground, he pulled me back too, and I fell onto his chest, in a tumble of limps.

Beneath me, James was breathing heavily, staring up, and I was sprawled against him, one hand on his cheek, as if to slap him, and my face in his chest. Tired, not realising quite what was happening, I just pushed my face further into his chest, close enough to feel his heartbeat. He smelt like ginger biscuits, fresh grass, from out tumble, and soap. Actually, he smelt _good._

Then, quite suddenly, I clocked in to what this looked like. Jumping back, like a startled rabbit, I pushed off his and scrambled, blushing bright red, to my feet.

"Sorry," I said, cringing,

James got up to, a big smirk on his face. It was amazing, how, even though he looked like he'd been electrocuted, and his glasses were knocked askew, he looked so damn... urgh, he was roaring with laughter. Just like Potter.

"That wasn't funny," I tried to say, but James just laughed harder, shaking his head. There was something so infuriatingly catching about that loud, throaty laugh, that I found I was unwillingly letting out sniggers too.

"Okay... okay..." James said, as he breathed to a halt. "God, Lily, your face."

I aimed a slap at him, still giggling. As I did, my bad slid to the fall, swinging open, and the contents scattered over the fall. Blushing, I dropped to my knees, and began to shove them in, all higgledy-piggledy. Seeing as my bag was normally cramped full and neat, I had to take them all out again- and it was then, right at the bottom of my bag, that I saw the book- _the fine witch's guide to staying slim-_ and my froze for a second. I had completely forgotten about it, yet it was good I'd been reminded of it, I needn't those spells. Just look at me, I did.

"Anyway," then James, becoming serious again. Phew. He hadn't seen that book; I knew he'd disapprove, he'd gone and told McGonagall about it last time. "The forest? Please?"

"If I lose my Head-girl-ship, I'll kill you."

"You won't," James scoffed. "Now, come. And don't scream."

"I'm expecting it now, so of course I won't," I said.

James swung the cloak over us both, and I pulled my rucksack up again. We were very close; I kept brushing against his cool skin, but leaping away as if it scalded me. Slowly, we walked to the edge of the forest, then began to pick our way through the roots and trees that immediately surrounded us.

It's dark in the forest, so that within steps I can't see a thing. I pulled the cloak off me, after stumbling on a root- and by now, there's no chance any one will see us. Of course, other things could see us, and that sends shivers down my spine, but they could probably smell us anyway. I don't like it here, but in the back of my mind, I know that whatever James is going to say, it's important.

But do we have to go right into the centre of the forest? We'd already ran into a group of centaurs who accused us trespassing their lands, but I pleaded ignorance, and finally they let us go.

"James, okay, want do you want to say?" I said, crossing my arms and cautiously leaning back against a tree.

"Well... are we friends again?" James asked, and I let out the breath I hadn't realised I'd been holding in.

"We had to come here, just for you to say that?" I burst out, but the moment the words leave my mouth, I get the significance of the question. Somehow, I ended up in the forbidden forest with a boy I'm supposed not to be friends with, and I was laughing like I'd never stop earlier! Having fun. Yeah, that's right- I was having fun, and the selfish thing was I wanted to hang out here, well, not here exactly, with James. Only I couldn't. It would just hurt him, and I couldn't be more than friends.

"And for this..." James whispered in my ear. He was closer than I would have liked, and his arms had slid round my waist. For a moment, I thought he was going lift me off my feet again, and I started to push away... only stopped suddenly, as he face loomed closer.

"That is the stupidest line I've ever heard, James," I hissed.

"And this is probably the stupidest thing I've ever done, as well," James said, and before I could protest, his lips were on mine.

This time it didn't feel like there was a slug in my mouth.

The kiss tasted of gingerbread, and his lips were so soft and warm. Kissing a boy like James Potter, the prankster, the loser, the bully, shouldn't feel like this. It shouldn't make the world go dizzy, and my heart do a strange leap in my chest. It definitbely shouldn't make me push my lips harder against his, but guess what? Like the idiot I am, I do exactly that.

It didn't seem idiotic. Not one bit.

My heart's beat faster than ever, and when he broke away, I feel like I'm floating on clouds.

"I love you, Lily," he whispered, and that's when the pink candyfloss clouds vanish, and I fall back into the cold, dark, scary forest again.

"Don't say that," I said loudly, backing away. "I'm not ready for- for declarations of love, or anything, James, why don't we just, just forget it?" I don't want love, or anything like it. The boy standing in front of me, with his messy hair, and huge grin, is in love with me, but I don't know if I'm with him. I've hated him so long, but my feelings have definitely changed... okay, ever since Aria informed me that he was hot, I had fallen for him. Not a bad record really, falling for a boy three hours before you get to kiss them. That kiss felt good too, and it's obvious I'm attracted to him, just a bit, but love..? No, love does not come into the picture. I can't have James looking at me, eyes full of, god damn it, yeah, he was warm for my form, and I _liked_ him. I liked him, yes, I did, but this relationship... With him in love and me in like... no, no, no.

He laughed. He _laughed_. "Lils, no, I've never been more turned on, and this place is completely deserted, so why don't we-."  
"You're wrong."

I swung round, and gasped as I found myself looking straight down the wand-point of a women with wrinkled, wind black hair, and a murderous humour in her eyes. Shit, shit, shittity, shit. And Lily Evans doesn't often swear, even in her mind.

"This place isn't deserted."  
"Yes." I said, dread overcoming me. "Yes, I figured that out."

Because all to well, I recognised her, from my skirmish a few days earlier, or rather, _one_ of the men standing right behind her, with her long greasy white blonde hair. If I hadn't, I would have guessed who they were though, from the fact that every wand was aimed at either me or James. Oh, yes, we were surrounded by those charming death eaters.

"Really, you only sound dumb when you say things like that," James quibbed. "Brings down the image of death eaters, as clever, pleasant people."

Had it been any other situation, I might have laughed.

"Cocky, aren't you?" said a death eater. "We'll see how cocky you after- crucio!"

James fell to the floor, writhing and shrieking so loud it pieced my eardrums, in terrible pain... and it seemed like I could only watch. I dropped desperately to his side, and laughing I heard a death eater say something, and I fell back, screaming, as if a thousand white-hot knifes were attacking my skin; I just wanted to die, after all, I was fat and pretending I was an auror when now I writhing on the fall, too, and in terrible, terrible pain.

Then I heard hooves against grass, and seizing every inch of will power in my body looked up. Now, I was limp, like a rag doll, but the pain was gone- and I could see blurry shapes charging towards us. They were men, and yet, and yet there were hooves...

before I blacked out. Again.


	21. Dangerous games

"Lily? Oh, thank goodness."

It is very disconcerting to wake up and have James Potter with his arms wrapped round you, as you lay in the damp grass behind Hagrid's pumpkin patch, his face inches from yours. For several moment, I have too queasy to talk, and it had nothing to do with my fainting episode.

"You weren't breathing," he said nervously, running a hand through his hair. "I- don't get mad- I gave you the kiss of life. Then you woke up."

Why did I have to be unconscious for that kiss of life? Oh, why?

"Why would I be mad?" I said, blinking.

James gave a nervous little snigger. "A few weeks ago-."

"Things change," I shrugged, and, realising, to my chagrin, that he'd unwrapped his arms around me, put mine around his neck. "You kissed me earlier.

"Yeah, I did," he said, starting to smirk. "You're my girl, now, Lily."

"You don't own me," I said, trying to sound cross. "We may have kissed, but, but- that doesn't make us anything more than a boy and girl who shared a rather disastrous snog."

That sounded way harsher than I meant it to, and James blinked. "Fine," he said, with the air of one who's trying very hard to be light-hearted and cool. "It- though- disastrous?"

"Well, death eaters attacked us," I said, wondering if I should apologise. "As snogs go, I mean- well, what happened."

"The centaurs saved us," James said, blandly, like he was reading a script. "The death eaters tortured you, and you fainted after about a second of it. I couldn't really see because I was under it for a few minutes while you're drama happened. I didn't faint though."

There was something in his tone, which made me look sharply up at him, scowling. "It was a curse, you must have been under a milder one... or is this your way of telling me how pathetic and weak I am?"

"No," James protested. "You've slapped enough for me to-."

I let out a hiss like an angry goose, and realised with a jolt, that I was still lying, flat out, on the grass, and my arms had dropped from his neck and were above my head. Perhaps the fact that James' eyes were resting on my chest explained why he was being so clumsy and awkward. Blushing, I scrabbled to my feet, and James stopped, like a radio program that was clicked off mid word.

"I don't know why you _keep_ bringing that up!" I said, my voice shaking lightly. "I mean, you were a git in the past, you know, too! And it was your best friend who punched me last!"

"I-." James smiled weakly, and fluffed up his hair, almost hopefully. My scowl deepened. I knew James was expecting me to swoon, because he looked irritable when I didn't react. I fact, I had to work hard not to smile and blush, but I didn't. "Look, Lils, darling-."

Yep, any other girl should have been on fire blushing now, but I only felt anger building up. The fact that my heart did a strange leap in my chest had nothing to do with his flirting. I was _not_ going to be another brainless, simpering marauder-fan, and I couldn't bear the way James was treating me like I was.

"Don't call me darling!" I snapped.

"Okay, sweety-tums," he laughed, though stopped seeing the look I gave him, and sighed. "Er, Lily, I didn't mean any offence, okay? I love you, Lily. Just- just lighten up a bit-."  
Lighten up? _Lighten up?_ I swear, I was fuming at the mouth, and James was happily oblivious.

"-and mean, and earlier, I was just talking about you're anorexic thing- I'm worried about-."  
"There. Is. No. Anorexic. Thing!" I said, half-yelling, half-hissing. James' mouth twitched. "For God's sake, stop pretending life is one big joke."

"Lils, my lurve for you is no joke," James said. I glanced sharply at him, unsure of whether he was joking or not. I hated it when he used the word 'love'. I wasn't ready for promises of love! It was just too intense! Way too!

"Shut up," I growled.

"Oh, but I don't think I will," James said, and leant forward.

That was what did it. The fact that I was clearly furious at him, but he thought he could just snog me anyway. Worse, I- I let him. Shocked and angry, I stood quite still as James tightened his hands round me, and pressed his lips into mine.

Our last kiss had been sweet, a split-second on candyfloss clouds, but this was long and passionate. His lips smashed into mine, and I reeled back. I wanted to protest, but every inch of anger seemed to be draining out of me... or rather, the anger was still throbbing away, but I couldn't stop. Opening my mouth to protest, his tongue was in my mine, exploring my mouth, and my brain was shrieking, _James, James, James!_

"I love you, Lily, you know that," James said, breaking away, his hands still cupped round my face.

"James.." I hissed. "Urgh!"

He kissed me quickly, on the lips, again, and this time, I did push him away. "I'm not just your snog-partner!" I snapped. "Stop doing that!"

"Aren't you supposed to beg me for more?" James laughed.

"What, did all your other snog-partners do that, then?"

Finally, finally, he seemed to get I was mad. Blinking a few times, he said, "Lily... what, are you jealous? I mean, I didn't go _that_ far with any-."

I hadn't been jealous, but now I all was. Had he shagged any of them, whatever he said? I could imagine it. That Marlene McKinnon, that Ravenclaw girl, was a notorious slut.

"No, I'm not," I growled. "Stop it! I bet you treated all of them just like me, though!"

"I didn'-."

"Let's straighten some things out," I said, looking anywhere but James.

"Impressive," James said bitterly. "The girl of my dreams dumps me after three kisses."

Don't smile! I took a deep breathe, and James' mouth fell open. "Oh, hell, you aren't really-. Lily, earlier, when I said about you fainting, I wasn't trying to anger you, you know, I really was just worried about your anorexia thing."  
"How many times do I have to tell you, I'm not anorexia!"

James put his hands in his pockets. "You haven't come to a meal for a week. If anyone offers you food, you run like a startled rabbit. And I just can't forget seeing you, sleeping on that dreadful, dreadful, dieting book..."

"Oh yeah."

"Yeah!"

It hadn't been a question- I had only just remembered _the fine witch's guide to staying slim_ lying somewhere in my bag. As soon as I had got rid of James, I'd look at it. Hadn't I made a list of slimming spells?

"Look," he repeated. "For God's sake, look, and stop kidding yourself you need to diet!"

He was waving a mirror at me.

"You're vain enough to carry a mirror around?"

"Girls do, why shouldn't I? And, just fucking look!"

I blinked, and looked into the slightly blurred surface of the mirror that he'd shoved under his nose. A girl stared back at me, pale and withdrawn, like a ghost, with huge, pleading green eyes. She flickered in the glass for a second, and she seemed deadly thin, like those pictures you see of poor, African kids with their ribs showing... but then the picture faded, and a different girl swam into view. She's bloated, disgusted, every inch of her face billowing out, two small eyes in midst her puffy her puffy face. I can only cringe away, mouth dropping, horror clearly showing on my face because she, me, is- there's only one word- _fat._

I tore my eyes away, and look at James. He has a small smirk on his face, and my heart did an odd leap in my chest. "See?" he said, eyes widening. "You're my beautiful girl, and you don't need-."  
"I'm not yours," I rapped out, my hands curling into fists. I've half a mind I punch him, but at the same time, I can't help remembering that I'd don't want to throw a tantrum. "And- I- never- will- be." As I choke out each word, the smirk on his face faltered.

"Lily, you totally fancy me, I'm smitten for you, kiss and make up?" James suggested brightly.

Don't slap him. Don't slap him.

"Shut up," I told him, harshly, jerking back to reality, cutting short James' lecture on how I had to eat one meal. "Just shut up."

"No!" James yelled. "You're- you're- I told Minnie but then you went and wiped her memory- you're anorexic!"

"I'm not! I'm not!" I yelled back, but my cheeks are suddenly burning, I know I sound like a damn two year old, and I wish I could draw back my words. "I'll- I'll-." I search around for a suitable threat. "I'll never speak to you again, if you tell." Still sound like a two year old.

James sighed. "I'm only doing this, you know, because I care."

That shut me up for a second. He sounds like a parent, only parents don't stare at you, a dreamy expression on their face.

"Well, thanks," I said, after a moment. "But, James, just stay quiet, okay? I'm only dieting till my auror tests. After that, burger, BBQ chicken, cake, I'll eat it!"

The thing is as I mention them something wells up inside me, like disgust, and I can't imagine myself stuffing my face with cake ever again. I might be almost slim now, I might have had the self control, but I need to keep the self control.

"Promise?" James said lightly, but I could tell he's not joking around. He's quiet, quiet enough that with the roaring wind, I can pretend I didn't hear him.

"It's terrible how these death eaters attacked, isn't it?" I said loudly. "I suppose they heard about me rescuing Hogsmeade, and saw that newspaper article and tried to get revenge. They always _do _seem to attack when we're together, don't they, James?"

His face clouded over, and he's breathing very heavily. "Fuck you, Lily."

But I'm finished with him, because it only took three kisses to work out that James is still quite the git. All the same, tears pricked me eyes as I saw James' stunned face. His black hair such a mess, and his eyes are wide and gorgeous. His mouth is silently framing words, and I know how I want to shut him up. By pressing my lips into his. Or maybe I could kill him... the quickest way would probably be to shag him. That _would_ be a fun way to kill him. After all, I'd get to see him naked.

No- I'm never speaking to him again- full stop.

"Get away from me," I snapped. "And I'm not swooning with that hair-ruffling trick."

James laughed. "Give me a chance, and I'll make you do more than swoon."

"Fuck off!" I screamed.

And that's when the Head Girl and Boy start brawling.

He grabbed me, and for a second, I thought he was going to try and kiss me again. Thrashing out, my fist connected with his face, and he roared with anger, pushed me to the floor, and stamped on my hand.

"I shouldn't have done that," James said, groaning. "Yeah, don't fight an anorexic girl... um."  
I roll over, fighting not to have stars blind me again, wanting to scream at him, but too weak. From the floor though, I can see his face, bruised, but so strong- and my stomach churned like I was about to throw up. Half of me wants for my wand to tighten round me wand and to knock him onto the floor, again and again, and the other half, which I'm silently cursing, wants to get to my feet and kiss him. Neither side wins; I'm just too tired. I actually struggle to my feet, give him one last burning look, and run for it. James doesn't run after me.

####################

Slowly, as if afraid it might burn me, I dragged the book from my bag, glanced quickly around, and set it on the table. As I opened it, my list of spell dropped from the pages, and I sat quite still, looking at them, enthralled and terrified, before turning to the page where the book had fallen open.

_Being witches, you are, of course, not confined to simple dieting. Mudbloods might believe that slimming is simply nibbling salad leaves, like the animal that they are, contaminated with blood of uneducated creatures known as Muggles..._

_Wow. I couldn't believe I had read that. I mean, how could I just meekly read something telling me I was a mudblood, when, when my best friend had said it, I'd never smiled at him again. I missed Sev... he might have understood. Then again, he might not even have noticed, like my two new best friends._

_Well, maybe I could. It was obvious why I had gritted my teeth, and kept looking at this book. One spell promised to cut your belly down in seconds. Just two words, "Aerographio Ruine". I whispered them, under my breathe, fiddling with my wand- but at that moment Nathan and Aria appeared and flopped down beside me. I snapped the book shut, and put it into my bag._

#################################

"No. No. NO."

"Lils, it'll be fun," Nathan wheedled. "Some punch, a dance or two, just a big laugh! You'll enjoy it."

Maybe I would have enjoyed the Christmas Eve marauder party yesterday, but today, there's no way I'm going in a million years. A marauder party... with James and Sirius as the hosts, not that, knowing them they'll be much of a host. I haven't told Nathan or Aria- or anyone- about my adventure earlier. Perhaps, the moral thing to do would be to inform Dumbledore there were death eaters on the grounds, but, well, I don't, and from the looks of it, James doesn't either.

"After all, we couldn't let you survive only going to one party in your school years," Aria smirked, her eyes sparkling behind her glasses.

I groaned, shaking my head. "No way."

"Perficus Totalus," Aria sang out, but this time I rolled to the side. Nathan sniggered.

"No, Aria."

"You let James body bind you!" Nathan said.

"It wasn't a choice," I replied. It had been a whole lot simper then, before I started noticing how nice his eyes were. Back then, I hated Potter- full stop.

"Lily, please come..." Aria wheedled. "Ten minutes."

"No."

"Ten minutes, and you needn't go anywhere near Potter."

"No."

"Just to nick some chocolate, and punch."

The fact I'd be expected to fatten myself was supposed to make me want to come...

"_No. _Definitely not."

"Urgh, you're never around these days!" Aria moaned. "You're always at that auror thing, or with Potter, even though you say you hate him! I don't know whether you want to be our friend or not, really!"

I squirmed under her gaze for moment, and shrugged. I _could_ keep away from James, could dump all the food, could hide in the corner. "For ten minutes," I sighed. "Just ten!" I added, when Nathan gave a roar of delight, and swung Aria round.

"I didn't actually think that'd work," she said happily, sliding through Nathan's arms and leaning casually against him.

"Oh, I hate you," I said, as Aria grabbed Nathan's hand, and linked her arm through mine. For a few moments, as my two friends dragged me along, Aria doing an occasional skip, I felt light and carefree again. Like a little, sweet, innocent seven year old, with big eyes, skipping along with her best friends forever. Aaaah.

"It's here," Nathan said excitedly, and Aria dropped her arm, though she was still just brushing against Nathan, and opened the door to the classroom. The moment I entered I felt my heart sink like a stone.

It wasn't _empty._ There was James and Sirius, both glugging firewhiskey, Annabell and her friend, Kirsten, who was shooting glances at Sirius, and a large gangly Hufflepuff quidditch player. That was it. Well, what could we expect, seeing as it was Christmas Eve?

"Don't worry," Kristen said, seeing my expression. "They will be more people soon!" She reached over to the table, and plucked up the firewhiskey bottle. "Want some?"

"No thanks," I said, just as Nathan and Aria said, "sure."

Then there was an excruciatingly painful silence in which I could feel James' eyes on me. Scowling, I stared at my shoes, refusing to look up.

"Evans?" I heard him spit out my name, and tensing up, I nodded. "What are you doing?"

Here.

"My so-called friends dragged me here," I snapped. "Trust me, I don't want to me near you."

"Ditto," James snarked. "Freak."

Ouch. That was Petunia's insult, and it hurt like hell. I was...

"Arrogant bullying excuse of a man," I snapped back.

"Geeky loser."

"Better geek than having a head so big I'm surprised anyone else can fit in this room."

"NOOOOOOOO!" Nathan wailed. "Please, you can survive being in the same room for one party, can't you?"  
"No, they can't," Aria said.

"I did not invite Lily," James said. "No way. She ruins everything."

Ouch... Only the saddest, saddest thing is my heart leaps when he said 'Lily'.

"Fine then," I snapped. "I'll go, _Potter_!"

"No, you won't," everyone apart from James said together and Nathan grabbed my sleeve.

"What ever has happened?" Aria sighed, when I stop struggling and collapsed against the wall, quivering slightly in anger. "Last thing I knew Lily was staring at James, and blushing coyly and looking away if he saw."

Why. Am. I. Friends. With. Her?

My cheeks flame, and Sirius added, "and James was writing long passages in his diary on how she was the ultimate riddle, beautiful but unreachable, but how with every second that passed he fell more and more-."  
"OY!"

Going the colour of beetroot, James lunged at Sirius, who ducked away, as everyone started laughing.

"You read my diary?" James spluttered.

So what Sirius said was true? Oh my god. A tiny dancing flame of blue hope leaps up in my chest, though I only print a darker glare on my face.

"Well, if you leave it open on your bed, you should be thankful I didn't show the Slytherins," Sirius laughed.

"Sirius Black, I-."

"Okay!" Kirsten said, jumping forward. "Seeing as no one seems to be coming, shut up, and who wants to play a game?"  
"A... game?" Aria said.

I hoped that at this moment I might be able to slip out the door, and away- maybe I could exercise, or look at that book again. _The fine witch's guide to staying slim._ James would be mad, but if I could find a quiet, private place to look at it, I'm sure that it'd be worthwhile. Only Nathan saw me trying to leave, and, rolling his eyes, dragged me back.

"Truth or dare? Spin the bottle?" Kirsten suggested, eyes sparkling.

Oh, God. That sort of game... Only me and Remus seem to understand her, however, everyone else just stared blankly back.

"Muggle game," she huffed, and quickly explained the rules of spin the bottle. "Wanna play?"

"Sounds a bit too girlie," Nathan said catiously.

"It sounds wild," Sirius said at the exact same moment, and Nathan gulped and shut up. I knew Nathan practically worshipped the marauders.

"I'm not sure about this," I said, but Annbell pulled at my sleeve, and I, slightly unwillingly, sat down.

"Right," Kirsten said. "We'll spin the bottle to see who goes first."

I wasn't used to these sorts of things, not like Sirius who was lolling in his place, smirking. I remembered with a jolt that the last time we'd spoken he'd punched me in the face. Kisten set the bottle spinning, and it slowed down... on Annabell.

"Great," she huffed, crossing her arms, though I saw her eyes flick over to Nathan. "Er.. truth."

"Who did you spend five and a half hours on your hair for?" Kirsten asked quickly.

"Padfoot, here's a girl about as obsessed with her hair as you!" James said.

"Forfeit," Annabell said, going red.

"I dare you to- to stick your head in the bin," Kirsten said instantly, and everyone laughed at her horrified expression.

"Do you have any idea how many hours I spent on my hair?" Annabell wailed.

"Five and a half?" suggested the Hufflepuff quidditch boy . Annabell ignored him.

"No," Annabell said. "Just no."

"That's the forfeit," Nathan said, grinning. "You have to, right, Kirst?"

Aria scowled, but Kirsten nodded.

"Fine," Annabell said, going red. "Urgh... this is mortifying, you know."

Taking a deep, rattling breath, she stomped over to the bin, peered nervously down into the midst of stinking, rotten apples, and what looked like the left-overs of some sort of curry, shut her eyes, and tipped the contents all over her head.

"You look like an alien!" Sirius laughed, and she blushed bright red, and muttered a cleaning spell- but not before Kirtsen had summoned a camera and snapped a photo. "I hate you," she said.

"Thanks," Kirsten said. "Now you can choose someone to truth or da-."

"Kirsten."

"Should have known," she said, rolling her eyes. "I choose dare."

"I dare you to hurl a rotten egg at McGonagall, then go up to her and say it was a late valentine, and would she marry you."

Kirsten went pale, then nodded. "Fine. After the game. Er, Nathan. And, see, Annabell, _I_ don't keep grudges in truth or dare!"

"Truth," Nathan said confidently.

"Okay, who do you fancy?"

_Squeak._

"Pardon, didn't hear that?" Kirsten said cheerfully.

"No one."

"Oh, yes, and I forgot," Kirsten said, leaning back, smirking. "I have a mild truth potion on me. Nathan, one gulp will do."

Going very red, Nathan drank a little.

"And who do ya fancy?" Kirsten sang out.

Nathan clamped his lips together, as if fighting to stop them bursting out- but he couldn't stop himself. "Aria," he said quickly, as he mouth shot open, and he went scarlet.

"Knew it!" Sirius shouted. "You and Aria are perfect!"

I blinked. Even though, I'd seen them for several years, I somehow hadn't quite realised... I mean they were always just friends. Aria smiled at Nathan as he glanced at her.

"Um, James," Nathan said quickly. "Truth or dare?" he added, seeing the confused looks.

"Dare," he grinned.

"I dare you to- to- sing a pop song, standing on the table of the Great Hall at breakfast tomorrow." Everyone burst out laughing.

"Sure, Nathan. Sirius?"

"Dare. I think it's marauder code to say 'dare'."

"I dare you to join me on the table, and do a ballet, singing your undenying love for Slughorn."

"Oh, I can't wait for tomorrow," I giggled- mistake.

"Yeah, okay," he said lazily, and fixed his eyes on me. "Lily?"

The pen I'd been holding clattered to the floor, and I stared, unseeing, at Sirius. Oh my, oh my. Everyone was looking at me, still giggling, and my heart was pounding in my chest. I knew all to well what my dares, or truths, for that matter would be. Ever since James had started asking me out whenever I played a game like this, all dares and truths were consistently based round, 'I dare you to snog James', 'I dare you date James', 'I dare you strip naked in front of James'. It was my obvious weak point, and everyone exploited it to the full.

"Truth," I said. Hopefully, there wasn't too much Sirius could ask about James, perhaps I'd be lucky enough to be asked about my 'most embarrassing memory', or something.

"Have you ever fantasised about shagging James?" Sirius smirked, handing me the truth potion. I groaned, because, because _I had!_ Only once, but if I took that stupid potion, I'd blurt out 'yes' and probably treat them to the tale.

"Forfeit," I choked out.

"That means yes!" the hufflepuff quidditch boy said, laughing.

James' eyes seemed to be boring into the back of my head. Honestly, I probably should just have said 'yes', rather than take up a dare.

"Okay, I dare you-." Sirius paused for dramatic empathises, or perhaps while he thought of a dare. "To share a broom cupboard with James for seven minutes. Or longer, if you decide to shag, we won't stop you."

##################################

There are moments when you don't know whether to laugh or scream, honestly, and this was one of them. Everyone around me, apart from James, burst out sniggering, and I just sat there, blinking, and glanced at James. He was gaping at Sirius, a grin edges round the corners of his mouth. Did that mean he wanted to share a broom cupboard with me? In my state of blank shock, I realised that that had made me grin like mad. Oh, hell...

"Don't try and pretend you don't want to, you're grinning like the Cheshire Cat," Kirsten said sternly.

I sniggered too, I don't know why. I looked hopefully at James, smiling lightly, and he shrugged and got to his feet. Annabell was looking at me, eyes narrowed, but when our eyes met, she smiled.  
"One thing," he said lazily. "If I'm in a medical emergency, can I come out? Lily Evans' temper is deadly."

I blushed, and said, "if I'm dying due to non-medical reasons, let me out as well. This is quite likely, you know."

"No to Prongs, make Lily heal you, I saw- I mean we saw, since you dragged me to the library to look at the lovely Lily-book- her reading tomes of healing books. Lily, nah, a good shag could cure you," Sirius said.

"I hate you, Black," I fumed. "Maybe I'll refus-."

With the same lazy arrogance, he aimed his wand at me, and I could only let out an angry shriek before I was sent shooting through the air, down at corridor, and slammed into a door- twice, before it opened and I fell inside. James hopped in beside me, but he clearly hadn't realised quite how _small_ the cupboard was, because he tripped over a bucket and fell on his face.

"Nice," I said, grinning.

Now the door was shut the only light was the crack under the door. I heard James huff, and he flopped down- on me.

"Get off!" I yelled, trying to stand up.

"I'm trying," James replied, searching around for something to grip on, to pull himself up.

"Ouch! That's my boob, James."

"Oh, sorry," he said, pulling it back as though he was electrocuted. In retrospect, I should have let it stay there. This time he found a bucket hauled himself up. I know it was a bucket, because buckets in shelves aren't the best thing to grab onto, and next second we were being showered by metal cleaning equipment. "Ah."

"I really get why they call this seven minutes in heaven," I said sarcastically, as I sat down painfully on- something that dug into my bum. I think it was the tail of a broom.

"They do?" a voice said inches from my face. I would have liked to jump back but I was already pressed against the wall. "Well, being with you, Lils, is heaven, whatever the situation or place- oh, shit."

Somehow, he had managed to knock his glasses from his nose, and from the loud crunch, and yell of pain, it sounded like he had stepped on them.

I groaned. Bits of broken glass on the floor was just what I needed. "I didn't know you enjoyed being slapped so much."

"Well, if it's your touching me, it'll be my deepest jo- oh, great."  
There was a thud, and a splatter of something onto the floor, and suddenly the cupboard stank of magical mess remover. "Now I'm covered in this stuff!" James wailed. "Can't these people do up lids?"

I began to snigger, and I could practically feel James scowling. "It isn't funny! I'm covered in glop, and my glasses are broken- well, I suppose."

"But it doesn't matter because being with me is _always_ heaven," I said slyly.

"Whatever," James said, and grinned, and then, we were both laughing, like we would never stop. I slipped off the broom, and fell over James, and we just lay, sniggering harder than I had in a while.

"You'd think," James said, trying to help to my feet and instead grabbing my boob again... was he doing it deliberately? I didn't stop him this time. "That if they wanted to shag, they'd give a place that was a bit nicer, wouldn't you? It would be horrible to lose your virginity here!"

"You're a virgin?" I asked curiously, once we'd stopped laughing. James stirred uneasily below me.

"Nooo," he said, dragging out that word. "I, er, no, I'm not."

I nodded dully, staring into the darkness, forgetting he couldn't see me. "I wish I hadn't," he said quickly. "I mean-."

"Who was it?" I cut across him. I tried not to care, after all just because he'd loved someone else before didn't mean he didn't love me... and I didn't want him to love me anyway!

James sighed. "Cathy Middlington a few times. Um, and Marlene McKinnon, and Janie Ross. That's it, I swear!"

I believed him, but I still felt hurt. "How many times?" I said, after a moment.

"Cathy twice, Marlene just for the one summer, and Ross just once!" James said, speaking quickly, as if if he prattled it would weaken the blow.

"You're still friends with Marlene," I said quietly, fiddling with my sleeve.

"Yes, _friends_," James said. "But she's smitten with Padfoot now, and he can't take his eyes off her-."  
"HEY!"

We looked at each other, then burst out laughing again. "Should have known those guys would be listening in," I chuckled.

"They're nosy enough," James agreed.

"Wait, where's my wand?" I said, looking hopelessly around. "Lumos? Lumos?"

My wand lit up at my feet, and heaving a sigh of relief, I grabbed it, pointed at the cupboard door (which I could now see quite clearly due to my wand; no idea why I didn't think of this earlier) and said, "silencio."

"Brilliant," James said, searching for his wand too. "You know what, with light, this isn't a complete hellhole." He flopped back, a contented smirk on his face, which vanished when he sat on a piece of his broken glasses. "OW!"

"Reparo," I said, pointing at the glasses, and they whizzed back into the frame. Grinning gratefully, James put them back on.

"I've changed my mind," he said. "This place is a hellhole, all the way."

"Yeah, but seven minutes in hell doesn't sound that great."

"Oh, but I'm not in hell," James said, smirking at me, again. The fact that his hair was dripping with cleaning liquid did make it seem slightly less sexy than normal, with him sticking and all. "I've got an angel by my side."

I blushed and rolled my eyes. "I'm no angel, Potter, you ought to know that by now."

"You're my angel," he said, firmly, taking half a step towards me, carefully making sure he didn't trip this time.

I was scarlet in the face now, and James had noticed it. I saw sincerely wishing I'd never lit the room up.

"A... ginger angel?" I joked, and James inched closer. I was trying to look anywhere than him, while not being impolite.

"Potters always want to get into redhead's pants," James said. "It's the Potter curse... and the Potter charm. Ginger angels are the best."

How cheesy is this? I was very hot and sweaty now- and the cheek of him! Boys shouldn't say they want to get into your pants, if they want to get into your pants, but all the same, despite my face matching my hair, I kind of liked it.

"What about angels who love screaming and slapping?" I breathed.

"I like fiery women, but you're not like that really," James grinned, looking happier the more embarrassed I got. "Girls have fantasies where they shag me-."

"I didn't! That truth was.. I mean... okay..."

"All the time," he finished. "But redheads like me most so they pretend they don't want to shag me, and yell at me instead."

"And how _are_ things on Planet You Wish?" I said, regaining my composition with an effort.

James tilted his head to the side, pretending to consider. "Well, I'd be in broom cupboard with one fiery-tempered redhead, who is red in the face, and not slapping me. It's quite obvious this redhead fancies me, and so said redhead-."

I was inches from him, and he was flirting, and grinning in a way that made him look quite adorable, despite the cleaner dribbling down one side of his face. I didn't stop to debate whether he was an arsehole or not, or whether I liked him really, or whether it was fair to be in a relationship while he was so smitten. Nah, I did the only conceivable thing a girl could do pressed up against one very hot boy in a broom cupboard, and said,

"Does this?" before I pulled him forward by his tie, and kissed him.

Hard. On the lips.

Imagine a bomb exploding inside you. Emotions smash at you so hard you're reeling back, and you drag your friend away, terrified, adrenaline pulsing through you, going limp with relief and delight as you escape, alive.

Or imagine a cleaning potion is exploding against your nostrils, and you feel like throwing up. You feel giddy, weightless, as if you're flying, and James' tongue is in your mouth, and it feels good.

There's no candyfloss clouds, no lilacs, sweet pinks. This is raw and passionate, and every inch of my body is stinging but I actually don't care.

I strained myself forward, but then I slipped through James' arms, and leant, breathlessly against him.

"You kissed me," James said blankly.

I wanted to say something witty, cheeky, flirty and kiss him again, but everything clever has drained out of my mind, and I just said, "yeah."

He looked, rather incredulously, down at me, as I collapsed against his chest.

"Confirm that you kissed me again," James said. "I think I died and went to heaven."

"Yeah, I did kiss you," I said.

"You kissed me," James repeated. "Lily Evans voluntarily kissed me."

"We have kissed three times before, right?" I said.

"Umm. I mean, I kissed you." He grinned weakly. "I thought we were going to fall apart."

"Umm," I agreed.

"Until that kiss, that is," James said. "Yeah, I get why they call this seven minutes in heaven... you know, Padfoot did say that we could stay in here for longer than seven minutes if we wanted to shag."

"I thought we agreed that this is not the greatest place for sex," I said. I hesitated and added. "And not yet, I mean, I really love you but I don't know if I'm really ready.."

James nodded slowly. "That's, I mean, yeah, I don't mind waiting, Lily."

It was obvious, however, from the calculating, slightly surprised look on his face, that he'd expected me to sleep with him after the first day of dating. It was just... I was still a virgin, though James may have slept with other girls numerous times, but I wanted to be sure. I didn't want to end up pregnant, or something. _That_ would be really great for my life as an auror.

"No, really, I don't," James said loudly. "Just being with you is enough, Lily."

"Good," I said, grinning.

"You're my girl now, Lily," James grinned back.  
"Nope, I'm your girlfriend," I corrected.

"The difference?"

"'Your girl' suggests an uneven relationship, where one of your groupies hang off your arm simpering."

"I can't see you simpering, Lily," James said.

"Well, I not going to," I told him. "So try again? Duh, snogging."

"Oh," James said, and wrapped his arms around my waist.

"James," I asked, grinning. "Er, do you want to go-."

But at that moment, the door of the cupboard swung open, and we toppled out, blinking in the sudden rush of light. Nathan, Aria, Kirsten, Annabell, the Huffepuff boy and Sirius were all gaping at me, like I'd grown another head.

"Merlin's beard," Sirius said.

James arms were still wrapped around me, only now we were lying on the floor. Shaking the hair out of my eyes, I stood up, ignoring the crowd, and said cheerfully, "James Potter, want to go out with me?"

He looked up into my eyes, also ignoring Sirius' wolf-whistles. "Right now, I can practically see the halo."

"I'll take that as a yes," I replied.

**A/N: And that is what you call a long chapter. Yes, I know the truth and dare/ seven minutes in heaven stuff was the meaning of cliché but... what's Lily and James without some cliché. REVIEW!**


	22. Dares and Christmas Fluff

**A/N: Fluff ahead... beware!**

"Wake up! Oy, wake up!"

"Ariadne, it's five in the morning, or didn't you notice? Ever heard of sleeping in?"  
"But it's Christmas Day!"

"Fine, but I'm not watching Lily snoring while I'm up. You wake her too."

"I'm awake," I said, stretching. "And Annabell has a point, Aria, it is early."

Aria rolled her eyes, and sat, cross-legged, on the floor, before starting to tackle her presents. Suddenly I too felt wide awake, and I jumped down, and groped around for my presents.

"Well, if you too are going to be unwrapping..." Annabell said grudgingly, and started on her own pile, which was a whole lot bigger than both mine and Aria's.

Mum and Dad had sent my some Cadbury chocolate, which I hurriedly disregarded, making a face, along with thick novel, that looked far more promising. Aria had given my something which resembled a golden snitch, only it was silvery white, and it cracked open to reveal a moving, laughing, smile photo of me, Nathan and her.

"Thanks, Aria," I said, tears blurring my eyes as I looked at it. "I love it."

Placing it open on my bedside table, I stared at it for another few seconds. It had been taken in sixth year, and I was leaping about, my red hair flying out behind me. I was grinning, happy, and I wish I could say I looked fat as well, because then my dieting would have been for something, only I don't. I just look like a normal rosy-cheeked, slim sixth year, celebrating after exams.

Shaking my head, I turned back to my pile. From Nathan, I had- groan- more sweets, brightly coloured bean-like things, only fizzled and bubbled as you eat them. I handed round, managing to avoid having any by pretending to be immensely picky about the flavours, then sliding them into my pyjama pocket. My little cousin, Janet, had given me a muggle rag doll, which, smiling, I put by the snitch photo, and other cousin, Micheal, had given me a Doctor Who manual. Laughing, I dumped it on my bed. Annabell stared it, fascinated.

"It isn't moving!" she said. "And what are those creatures?"

"Muggle pets," I said, because I'd forgotten Mike's lecture on Doctor Who over the year.

"Weird," Annabell breathed, and returned to her pile.

I just had one more package left, and picked it up hesitantly, hopefully. It was long, and rectangular, wrapped in scarlet paper Over the last few years, Petunia had stopped sending me presents, instead sending angry little letters telling me I was a 'freak'. Those letters always put a damper on Christmas... but maybe, just maybe, after moving out, she'd decided to offer an olive branch?

Taking a deep breathe, I ripped the paper of it, and out rolled a... broomstick. A broomstick.

I groaned. Somehow I didn't think Petunia would send my a broom.

There was a note attached to it, and I unpinned it, a dull feeling in my heart.

_Lily,_

_This could come useful with your exercising and stuff. Flying is really slimming, you know, and it gives us strength. This is quite a good broom, but second-hand, a shooting star, actually. It'll be fun to play quidditch with you- nope, you haven't got a choice._

_Lots of love,_

_James XXX_

"Let me guess," Aria said, looking at the broom. "Potter sent you that."

"Yeah," I said.

"Cool," Annabell said, sitting among a pile of clothes, shoes, chocolates, paints, books, and shredded paper. It was obvious she didn't think much of it, but I had the feeling she wouldn't have if James had given me a... well, a broom which was really, really good. Until now, I would had shared the opinion. I slipped the note into my pocket, a smile on my face.

####################

I couldn't miss breakfast. I just couldn't. Kirsten appeared, looking nervous, holding an egg in one hand. Sirius smirked.

"Is that rotten, darling?"

Kirsten blushed and scowled. "Yes, it is, now shut up... I'm going to throw it."  
I tittered, as Kirsten stomped forward and hurled the egg straight into McGonagall's face.

"I feel sorry for McGonagall," I said, but the fact that I couldn't stop laughing did make the statement less genuine. "What?" I added, as James shook his head. "I mean, can't be the best start to Christm-."

"RICHARDS!" yelled McGonagall, and everyone (but Kirsten, that was) blinked, glanced at each other, and collapsed laughing. "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!"  
Kirsten took a deep breathe, and whispered, "it was a late valentine, pro-pro-professor. Will you, er, marry me?"  
Then she ran from the room, so fast she blurred.

"She cheated," Sirius said. "She didn't go down on one knee!"

"Well, unless I'm very much mistaken," Aria said. "You and James are due to provide some entertainment... on the table?"

"Oh, yes, I forgot," Sirius said, without the slightest sign of embarrassment. "Come on, James."

"Great," James moaned, and leapt up on the table.

"POTTER! BLACK!"

"_I feel pretty,  
Oh, so pretty,  
I feel pretty and witty and bright!  
And I pity  
Any girl who isn't me tonight!_" James began to sing.

"That's James' pop song?" I laughed.

"Suits him, doesn't it?" Aria agreed.

"_Roses are red_

_Violets are green-."_

"Oh my.." Nathan snorted. "Sirius..."

"_You might have given-me-a-detention_

_But I don't think your (that) mean!"_

"IT MAY BE CHRISTMAS BUT YOU ARE NOT GETTING AWAY WITH THIS!"

"Silence!" Dumbledore said, clapping his hands together.

"_I feel charming."_

"Yeah, you _feel_ charming. You're not really."_  
"Oh, so charming."  
It's alarming how charming I feel!  
And so pretty  
That I hardly can believe I'm real_," James piped up.

"Just because Lily's snogged you doesn't make you 'pretty'," Sirius broke off to inform him. "Anyway... _Sunflowers are yellow_

_Jasmines are white,_

_You like pineapple,_

_And that makes you my shining light!"_

"Trust Sirius to like someone because of food," Annabell said.

"Look at Slughorn," I spluttered.

He had gone very white, and was staring at Sirius, like he'd seen a ghost.

"Black! Please don't-."

"Wonder how long it'll be till McGonagall murders them," I wondered. "Sheesh, James' Head-Boy-ship is in mortal danger.."  
_"__See the pretty girl in that mirror there:_" James continued.

"No."  
_"__Who can that attractive girl be?"_

"Lily, probably, knowing James."  
_"__Such a pretty face,  
Such a pretty dress,  
Such a pretty smile,  
Such a pretty me!"_  
"James? Pretty?" Nathan snorted. "In a million years."

"That's my boyfriend you're talking about," I reminded him.

That's when McGonagall broke. She leapt up, and charged at James and Sirius, who gave a yell of shock, and ran for it, Sirius screaming, "love you, Sluggy!" as he left.

"And I think," Nathan said. "That it's time to leave."  
"Yeah," I said, relieved, turning away. "Let's go."

"You sure?" I heard Aria say slyly. "Asha's staring at you, Nathan."

"And what would I want with her?" Nathan scoffed. "Didn't you hear the truth last night?"

I'm not sure who kissed who, but I turned round irritably, and saw that Nathan and Aria were in a liplock.

"Oh," I said. "Er... guys by the tie.?"

They ignored me, and the rest of the hall which was gaping at them, and pressed together. Wow.

"Nathan?" I repeated weakly. "Aria? You know, people are trying to eat."

"Yeah, and you can talk," Nathan said, finally breaking away from Aria.

"Don't," Aria advised, and pulled him forward by the tie.

"Right..." I said, and backed away. Over on the other side of the room, I saw Asha's looking like she'd swallowed a lemon.

###################################

"You're a great singer, James!" Note sarcasm.

"Thank you."

"I liked the song," I teased. "It suited you perfectly."

"Yeah, James is a real pretty boy," Sirius said. "James, I think you're getting dumped!"

"No way on earth," I said.

"Good," Sirius said. "Or I'd have to punch you again."

"You know you haven't apologised for that yet," I said.

"Yeah, I know."

I rolled my eyes, and said, in a fake angry voice, "well, if you're going to be like _that_," and flicked my hair, before starting to strut off.

Behind me, there was a yell. "OW, LILYKINS, PRONGS WANTED ME TO SAY, OOOOW, SORRY!"

I turned round, and stared, sniggering, as James hissed desperately in Sirius' ear, looking torn. To empathise his point, James kept punching him. "Honestly," I laughed, when James realised I was watching. "You do know I was joking?"

"Oh," James said, going red. "Yes. I knew that."

Me and Sirius laughed, though Sirius was rubbing his ribs. Despite my laughter, though, I felt kind of shocked. I mean, I don't normally act like a spoilt drama queen... do I? The only answer I could find was that I did. Otherwise, why would James take me joke so seriously?

I looked at James, who was blushing and trying to laugh at himself. He had been the one who'd taught me the lesson, I realised, the one that had changed me from an angry, red-haired, geeky drama queen to an angry, red-haired, geeky girl, who could sometimes act like a drama queen. That smirk made me stomach churn, his kisses made me float to heaven, his presence made me comfortable, happy, warm inside. He was nice, and my boyfriend.

I remembered my old crush, with a jerk. Olly Thomas was someone I had fallen for because of his nice-ness, and I think me and him could have worked together. Hell, if James ever asks me, I'm not going to pretend I think Olly's a jerk. Had Melissa not been his girlfriend, had he been interested in me, I do think that we could have ended up together, and I wouldn't have looked at James. But he was, and in real life, it wasn't meant to be.

Me and James were meant to be instead.

We both changed, matured, if you like that word. James' ego deflated, he stopped being so loud and bloody arrogant, he stopped hexing people for fun. I know that James wouldn't body-bind me these days, even for a joke.

And I changed too.

I grinned at James, with his messy black hair, and his sparkling brown eyes, and he gave me one of his trademark sexy smirks.

"Thanks for the presents, anyway," I said, my brain going temporarily blank.

James turned slowly. "You liked it?"  
"Loved it!"

"Lily Evans loved a broom," Nathan said, incredulously. So he'd unattached himself from Aria. After what... an hour? "Oh, James, you really can work miracles!"

Sirius strolled up to us, smirking. "It's taken him seven years, though."

"I haven't fancied her for seven years," James protested.

"Just for six years, 364 days," Nathan piped up. James threw him an irritated look, and Nathan went red. "Oh, sorry," he mumbled.

Mine and James' eyes met, and I stifled a laugh. Nathan acted like a thirteen year old with a crush whenever any of the marauders were around. Even Peter could make Nathan blush, and blurt out an apology, or agree to something in seconds. If he hadn't been kissing Aria an hour earlier, I would have wondered if he was gay.

"I have liked you for a long time though," James said.

Sirius made a gagging nose. "No flirting here, please!"

"Yeah, James," Nathan laughed.

"Yeah, James, no flirting," I said.

"You didn't say anything about kissing, though," James said, and kissed me on the nose. "Anyway, who wants to play quidditch?"

"Me!" Nathan said quickly.

"I'll join you," Sirius said.

"Me? I don't play quidditch?" I said, as everyone stared at me.

"You're wrong," James said, and took me by the hand. While the others hurried to get their brooms, James whispered, "you'll enjoy it, Lils, and it'll be great for your duelling."

"Umm," I said, smiling. "My tests are so soon, though, James! I can't really waste time... I mean, they're in two days!"

"Cruel," James said. "Putting that so soon after Christmas. Anyway, you know you want to come and play."

"I'll play quidditch," I said firmly. "Just for you, James."

##############################

"Lily! Pass! Pass!"

I wobbled forward. I wished I could pass to James, but I hand was pinning the quaffle to my broom, the other clinging tightly round the handle. I needed two hands to pass. I suppose this was worthwhile... I needed the exercise. But apart from that...

Sirius appeared out of no where, and made a grab for the quiffle.

Panicking, I shot up- ie. the wrong direction- and chucked the ball desperately over my shoulder. A smug grin on his face, Sirius caught it, passed to Nathan, who nearly fell off his broom in excitement when he threw the ball between some trees.

"He scored?" I asked James.

"Yeah," James said. "Due to my amazing talent, we're still ten points in the lead though."

"Ten!" I exclaimed. "That's amazing... there's no way they can catch up... what?"

"We caught up," Sirius said.

"Damn!" James said, just as I yelled,

"That's impossible!"

"And we're ten points in the lead," Sirius told me, shooting again. "You really need a keeper."

"That doesn't make sense," I said, trying to head towards Sirius. "You just get one point when you throw the quiffle through the trees, right- what?"  
The end of my sentence was drown in a roar of laughter.

"Quaffle, Lily, quaffle!" James chuckled.

"It's very annoyed having a quidditch fan as a boyfriend," I huffed.

##############################

As Christmas Days go, it really wasn't that bad. No Petunia was a bonus. I know she is my sister; I know I should love her, but we've just faded away until we're just bitter enemies. That hurts, of course it does.

Another bonus was, and a few weeks ago I never thought I'd say this, James. My boyfriend. I really do think he's heaven sent, really, as he excused himself and me from dinner, saying we were going to our room. Everyone obviously thought we were shagging, but I found I didn't care.

We were sitting in our room, laughing, tucking into the carrots and sprouts James had found for me, along with a big bowl of salad that was surprisingly nice.

"Thanks, James," I said, smiling at him.

He helped himself to another tomato, but when I spoke, he looked up, seeing genuinely surprised. "For what? Being with you is heaven, Lily-angel."

"For eating nice food instead of stuffing yourself with turkey," I said.

"Ah," his smile faltered. I really wanted to tell him just to go down and eat Christmas dinner, only I wanted him here. "Lily, I really don't mind."

"You go down," I found myself saying, despite myself. "Honestly, James, I know you want Christmas dinner, go down. Please."

For a moment, I thought he was going to take up my offer, then he shook his head, and kissed me hard on the lips. That did it. This was the perfect Christmas day. Utter perfection.

"I love you, Lily," he whispered.

I didn't feel overwhelmed, or awkward this time. I looked him straight in his lovely hazel eyes and said, "I love you too."


	23. Choosing dreams

"Look, I'm really glad you're together and everything," I said, checking my watch. "But I need to go! Yesterday was such a waste of time-."

"Spending time with your friends was a waste?" Aria said quietly.

I groaned. "No! Look, Aria, you don't understand. Look, my auror tests are tomorrow! And I still can't do the stupid patronus!"

Aria gave me a smile. "I'm sure you'll master it soon enough."

"Thanks," I mumbled. "Well, I've got to be off, bye."  
"Bye," Aria replied. "Hope it goes well."  
I nodded irritably, and started to run, but was stopped by James, who loped, smirking into view.

"What?" I snapped, and James blinked. I knew I was being too angry and dramatic, but my tests were tomorrow- _tomorrow!_

"I want to come too," James said firmly.

I glared at him. It felt like our relationship had taken a step back, back to the days when I hated him. "James, no," I said.

"I'm coming," he repeated.

"Why?" I snapped.

He sighed. "How many times do I have to tell you? Every second away from you-."  
"You're worried I'll manage to kill myself," I deduced, and James laughed. "For God's sake James, I can take care of myself."  
He seemed on the edge of arguing, but my glare grew darker, and he said, finally, "be back _soon_, okay?"  
"Will be!" I chirped, and hurried away.

#################################

Maybe I should have told James that the auror session wasn't until one- that I had three hours to do nothing in, but of course I didn't. James would have wanted me to waste time, have fun, and I couldn't. I wanted to do this more than anything in the world.

I met the little, black girl, Natasha- the one who wanted to be an auror- again, just before I left. She smiled nervously up at me, her white teeth shining.

"Hello, Lily," she said, her voice quavering slightly.

"Hello, Natasha," I replied, smiling.

She looked up at me, eyes wide with admiration. "Where are you going?" she asked. "Lily, do you want some chocolates?"

I looked at the exquisite chocolates that she was offering me, and instinctively took a half step back.

"Don't you like them?" she said, and I could hear the hurt in her voice.

"No! Er, yes.." I protested. "It's just, well, I'm trying to get slim."

She blinked, and pushed the chocolates onto the table. "I want to be too," she said, with surprising force, for such a petite girl. "If you can't eat chocolate to be an auror, then I don't want them," she explained simply, seeing my expression.

"No!" I yelled. "Natasha, don't be crazy! Take them! Take them back." I pushed them towards her, feeling sick at heart. What had a done? Had a convinced a little girl to become like me, afraid to eat?

Her eyes lit up as I pushed them back, and she grabbed at the box, stuffing a chocolate into her mouth. I let out a sigh of relief, looking at her big, eager eyes. For a moment, I was quite envious of her, happily eating, laughing, dreaming. My dream had crashed into a thousand pieces, splintered at my feet, and I was still fighting to put them together again.

I could, and I would, though. I was going to be an auror. I wanted, even needed, to stop Voldemort, stop the whole world splintering.

#####################################

I can do this. My body is screaming in protest, but I continue, panting, exercising. Finally, I flopped back against the wall, gripping my wand, taking deep breaths. Now I draw my wand, and heart pounding in my chest, said, "expecto patronum!"

And for the first time, something happened. I concentrated, unrelentingly, on the feeling of James' lips on mine, that giddy, giddy bliss. From the end of my wand, shot a glimmering, silver animal- a doe.

"Wow," a voice said behind me, and I turned to see Tyler standing, grinning, in the doorway. "Impressive."

My patronus flickered and died.

"Thanks," I said.

"How long have you been here?" Tyler prattled. "I thought I'd be the first here."

"Not long," I shrugged. I don't tell him I've been here for three hours.

"Can you wait till the tests?" he asked. "God, I'm terrified I'll mess it up, you know, but I'm working hard, I think I'm ready."  
I'm about a million miles away from ready, but I nodded my head obediently.

He stands next to me, and we fall into a practise together, silently working, shooting our patronuses into the air.

"Five minutes till the session starts," Tyler said, after a while. "I'm going to grab something to eat; here, have a sandwich, Lily."

"Thanks," I muttered, looking at the mustard-covered, fatty-ham sandwich he shoved into my hand, and putting it to my mouth. I can't, I just can't. "Hmm... I'll go and get some water," I added, hoping that he doesn't decide to come with me.

He doesn't, and the moment I'm out of the room I abandon the sandwich in a nearby bin, and scuttle off to get some water.

This is our last session, and I'm quaking in my boots every time Moody looks at me. On the outside, however, I'm cool, precise, determined, and even Moody can't find fault with my performance. As I conjured the last spell perfectly, Gillian saw me, and gave me small nod, and a smile. I don't respond, I'm too busy staring down at the my wand, before I looked up at Moody, and saw him nod.

**############################**

"Lily... _Lily..._ _LILY!"_

"What?" I said, snapping out my reverie.

"Can't a boy talk to his girlfriend these days?" James asked. "Lily, you can conjure a patronus now. You're going to rock these tests."

"And what if I don't?" I said, in a small voice. I had never thought of what would happen if I messed up, not until now. It was an impossible idea, I couldn't bear to dwell on it.

"So what if you do?" James asked. "You'll still have your perfect NEWT grades, and Head Girl badge. And you'll still have me." I felt my face curve into a smile. "You're not going to starve, Lils," James told me earnestly. "I mean all sort of jobs would be hampering to have you- and if the worst came to the worst, you could live with me. I've got enough money."

I pulled him into a hug, but deep down, I knew James didn't understand. I wanted to be an auror so much... and as for the 'you're not going to starve' comment, well, I already was. Starting to, anyway.

"Thanks, James," I said. "But, oh, God, I want to be an auror so much it _hurts_."

"Why?" James said simply.

I blinked, and pulled away from him, looking calculatingly at him. Or at least, that was the impression I was trying to give out. Being an auror was my ultimate dream, it always had been, but I couldn't for the life of me put that dream into words.

"I- I- want to fight Voldemort," I started.

James shook his head. "You can fight him in other ways. My parents are, and they aren't aurors.."

I look him, shocked. I want to ask but at the same time I don't want to know. If James tells me that I've been slaving away for nothing, I don't think I'd see the point of living any more.

"There's other reasons," I said.

He doesn't speak, just smiles at me, inviting me to talk. I shook my head. "Nah... I can't explain."

"Well, okay," James said, though he sounded disappointed.

"What about you?" I asked suddenly. "What are your dreams, and all that?"

"Me?" James said, putting a hand on his heart. "Huh, I'm an arrogant toerag. Arrogant toerags don't have dreams, Lily."

"Oh, get over that," I snapped. "James, you're an angle."

"Yeah, the horns are just there to keep the halo in place," James grinned. "But, seriously, I don't know."

I stared at him, confused. I always knew what I wanted, from when I was four years old, though my dreams changed as I went into the wizarding world. It was completely foreign for anyone not to have that drive, that knowledge of who they were, and where they were going. I couldn't understand it.

"Back when I was six, I wanted to be a dragon," James said. "Then I wanted to look after animals, then I thought a cook, then I changed to being an entertainer... then a professional quidditch player, but now I'm not so sure."

"You must have _some_ idea, though," I pressed. "I mean, when you lie awake at night, what do you dream of? What makes you smile when you're down? Or shout if someone mocks the idea?" I said, as if I was talking to a baby, coaxing, lengthening words. "Come on, James!" I finished, bossily.

He shrugged. "Quite honestly, once I was about fifteen, my only aims were to live happy-go-lucky, play pranks, and shag you."

I blushed, and scowled. "Can you please stop trying to pressure me to shag you? I will- just not yet."

James laughed. "Sorry, Lils."

"Anyway," I said. "Don't you have the slightest inkling of your dreams?" I couldn't help jumping back to that topic. It held a strange fascination for me that I couldn't explain.

James rolled his eyes. "I want to have fun and you," he said simply. "If one dream breaks, I let it, and just choose another one."

I liked that idea. Choosing dreams.

"But, now, since you're so persistent, after Hogwarts, I want to join the Orde- oh yeah."

"What?" I said. "What do you want to join?"

"Nothing, nothing," said James, smoothing over his mistake.

I scowled, hands on hips. "James Potter, _what?_"

He let out a mock sigh. "It's a big secret. A big secret, Lily."  
"A secret which you are going to tell me," I said. "Now!"

James sniggered. "You do know, you look adorable angry."

He grabbed me, and kissed me quickly, making me mind go blurred, as I swooned. "James," I moaned. "You're distracting me."

"This is the day," James said loftily, casually putting his arm round me. "The day Lily Evans says that my flirting is distracting her, as in she's going all blush-y, and sweaty, and best of all, swoon-y."

"I hate you," I said, slapping at his face. "Really, I do," I added, seeing his satisfied smirk.

James pressed his lips into mine again, his tongue doing fancy things in my mouth.

"Okay," he said, as I jerked away.

"Yes?" I said.

"Wow," James said.

"Wow what?"

"You forgot!" James said triumphantly. "You forgot about the order!"

Damn it... damn it... damn it... I HAD!

"I did not!" I lied.

"You did," James said. "But anyway, I reckon I can trust you."

"Thank you so much," I said sarcastically.

"Well," James leant close, and muttered. "The Order of the Phoenix, it's called. It's dangerous; my parents are known to be part of it and so they're always on the run now." I stared at him, surprised, starting to apologise, but James cut me off. "They'll manage, don't worry. Anyway, Dumbledore set it up.. The Order, I mean, and they fight against Voldemort, try to stop him rising."

I pulled away, my heart beating very fast. "Great," I said angrily. I want to find some other reason to be an auror now, only I can't. "That's just great."

James blinked at me, clearly confused, and I shook my head. "It doesn't matter, anyway," I said. "I'm going to pass my tests, and become an auror anyway." Besides, I convinced myself that I do have other reasons. Deep down, I want to take the official job, not join some weird, dangerous club. "Nothing on this Earth is going to stop me passing my auror tests. Nothing."

James looked me straight in the eyes, and grabbed me hand, tightly, before saying jokingly, "oh, I don't know, Lily, I reckon if I kissed you long enough before the tests, everything would drop out of your head."  
"You _wish,"_ I laughed.

**A/N: This fic is nearly finished, I predict (ooh, I sound like Trelawny) about three to four more chapters... next chapter, she will have her auror tests.**


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